Not the Girl I loved
by Rebeliz777
Summary: There are scars that run deeper than what we're ready to admit. Can a marriage survive a betrayal without permanent consequences? Re-uploaded. Faberry. Warning. Abusive Quinn. Abusive Quinn.
1. Prologue

**Warnings: ****Abuse, domestic violence****. **

Prologue

…

Small, that's how she feels as she sits on the large dining table by herself. She is short in stature but she never really cared; only now it's not her height that _makes her_ small and sometimes insignificant, it's her entire life altogether.

She feels unattached, not only from the world outside but from herself as well. Nothing feels right and Rachel can see that nothing played out as it was supposed to after all. Her faith was always misplaced, her feelings never enough and forgiveness was never an option, it seems.

She holds a glass with red wine in her hands, although the experience of drinking seems foreign, her skin doesn't feel like hers at all and it hasn't for a while. She feels empty, trivial and betrayed.

She's wearing one of her wife's favorite shirts and it should feel _right_, it should feel good to have her wife's perfume all over her but it doesn't, and it hasn't for a very long time. Every pore of her body screams the rejection, the goosebumps in her extremities beg her to take off the cotton item and she starts shaking –uncontrollably- the wine in the glass almost spills as fear creeps into her like fog at down.

The fear is something she never managed to hide well, even after all those acting classes and years of experiencing it first handed.

If she had only been brave, if she had only had the power to walk away, to leave while she still could go without the permanent scars that now will always stain her existence no matter what she does, if she had only done something, _anything,_ she wouldn't be a personal slave in a life that shouldn't be hers.

But in the end it was her who didn't want to leave, who stayed, who had _faith_.

The house looks immaculate and it sickens her to no end to think about how hard she still tries. Fresh roses are in the vases, the furniture is dusted, windows and floors are spotless and shining, fresh and clean air envelops the entire house and still, she feels sick to her stomach and beyond exhausted, both physically and mentally. The house is flawless and her wife's favorite meal has been cooked but nothing feels right even though it seems to be.

Three kids later and she finally is about to _do_ something. She dropped them at her parents' house to spend the night with the weak bravery that a few papers in a yellow envelop had given her a couple of hours ago.

It's going to be bad and that bravery is nowhere to be found anymore. A war under the roof of their house, it will all come down in the same place they spent the last decade creating a family. Nothing will hold them back; there will be no excuses to stop, to be quiet or considerate and the thought alone is terrifying.

The divorce papers are on top of the fridge, Rachel will wait until her wife has finished her meal to give them to her. It will be for the best, she hopes.

Faces we see, hearts we take guesses. She was her first love, her first kiss, her first girlfriend and many other firsts followed after that. No one wants to think there is evil in the people that they love; no one is capable to see darkness when all they can do is love.

People often surrenders, refuses to see what is right if from of them when a heavy cloud of love fogs their eyes and their minds, sometimes they see but they don't acknowledge it in fear that whatever is happening will come to an end. We are used to ignore the bad and praise the good, it's a perseverance mechanism that every human being possesses. It helps us all to cope.

In Rachel's case it was both, she couldn't see because she was in love. Everything about their relationship was perfect, meant to be. When they got married she could see it, she saw everything clearly but she had faith, faith in their love, in their family, in a future that now will now never come.

Her wife is not entirely to blame, Rachel accepts that but neither is she. Their marriage, their problems, the abuse and the tension comes down to both of them; they chose to stay together even though it was obviously the wrong choice. The divorce? It had been difficult, the most difficult decision of her life.

She sips the wine, letting the bitter taste to help her swallow the lump in her throat. Never in her life has a decision caused so much pain as when she walked inside her lawyer's office to file for a divorce three weeks ago.

Mr. Lane didn't ask many questions as a history showed itself on her face because her wife hadn't been careful enough the night before and the angry bruises on both of her eyes were telling enough, the bruise on her torso and arms had also been photographed and filled. She felt embarrassed, meaningless, that day she was nothing more than another statistic in abused women and now she would become another statistic of single parents and failed marriages.

The night plays out in her mind, fresh in memory and jumping at any given opportunity, just like her wife intended it in the first place.

The morning after it was a deciding moment and Rachel finally had the guts to file for divorce after six years of having the idea dancing in her head.

She knew her wife would do whatever it takes to have their children with her and that's where Rachel really felt scared. Her wife was one of the best lawyers in town, her firm being the most known in all the East Coast, she obviously knew what to do as far as the law was involved.

But divorce is no longer just an idea and even though the word and everything that accompanies it scares her to death, she stands firmly and determined, heartbroken but decided. She's not changing her mind this time.

She is aware that no one will ever want her again, nor she wants to be with anyone else for that matter, she is well aware of the pain that her children will have to go through because as bad as her wife is with her she has never shown that side of her personality to their children.

If anyone would ask the three kids about their mommy they would always answer with words like 'funny', 'amazing', 'best mom ever' and more of the sort, and Rachel knows they'll resent her in some way for the decision she's made.

With the glass of wine in her hands her mind wonders one more time to the past and no matter how many times she tries she can never remember when or how everything started, how she became a weak woman, another victim and in many ways a slave and even a professional liar to her family, a friendless person. Yet, she still loves her. After going through hell and back, and gone to hell again she doesn't have a better excuse, she can't lie. She's still in love, scared to death but madly in love of a memory.

She's dependent and to an extend she's aware of it, it's the reason why she's still in that house. Rachel knows that her wife loves her as well, so much more than she led on and that's why they work, that's why they're still together after all. They love each other and after the divorce they'll be nothing without the other.

And that's why she's terrified, because she knows what she represents in her wife's life, what their children represent and especially because she knows her wife and she knows what she's capable of and all the extends she will go to be close to their kids.

She sips the wine again, the bittersweet liquid sliding down her throat slowly. Her parents don't know, they aren't aware of what is going on, not because of lack of interest but because Rachel is an amazing actress after all –her Tony award proves it- and that's how she prefers it due to her parents protectiveness of her, she is conscious that her parents wouldn't have let her stay with her wife if they knew of their situation.

If she had only had the courage to picture a life without her, if she had only let her parents know or anybody; if she had only been able to live without her she wouldn't be shaking, her hands wouldn't be sweaty with each passing second that brings her wife closer to home.

The soft sound of a car pulling over makes her jump from the chair, almost knocking it back, her heart starts racing as the glass shakes with ferocity in her hands. She swallows a sob when she realizes that she's rushing to the sink and throwing the wine, washing the glass quickly and drinking water to hide the smell on her breath.

She wants to cry, run and hide but a part of herself also feels relieved that her wife has come home soon, that her wife is choosing to spend the night at home and not out there, wherever it is she stays and does when she doesn't make it home for dinner.

In a masochist and insane way, Rachel feels glad when she hears the car closing and a set of keys fumbling on the front door. The sounds are familiar and comforting in a way that tells her that she's not alone, someone still wants her, loves her.

The fear creeps again and it's definitely stronger than the gladness once she sees a cloth on the dining table. She rushes to get it just as the door opens and her wife walks inside.

Quinn Fabray still carries herself with the same amount of control and superiority that she had ten years ago when they met in high school.

The blonde doesn't spare her nervous wife a look as she drops her keys and suitcase on a nearby chair or as she takes off her expensive coat and throws it on the back of another.

When Rachel rushes to get the coat, Quinn finally looks up and stares at her intently. She can almost smell the fear on Rachel's actions and she follows her as the smaller woman hangs her coat on the hallway closet with care. She hates the way Rachel's hands shake when she returns but doesn't mention it, in a way she's come to expect it.

She stares at the brunette and disappointment quickly rushes through her, not in her wife but in herself, and when Rachel tries to swallow a lump in her throat she sees red.

"Hi" the smaller woman manages to speak even though the tension is enough to cut through iron at the moment. She feels judged, insignificant and low.

Quinn is perfect in her eyes; she has the physic of a supermodel and built muscle where it should be. Rachel can easily see why girls throw themselves at her wife and she wonders for the millionth time, why did Quinn marry her in the first place?

"Why are you staring?" Quinn hisses the question before rolling her eyes and huffing, consciously ignoring the welling tears and shrinking state of the brunette.

"I'm sorry"

"My shirt looks nice on you. I like it when you wear my clothes" she states and a small smile escapes her as she loses herself in the image of her wife, the woman she loves.

"It smells like you. I was missing you."

The 'I was missing you too' never leaves Quinn's mouth but it stays stuck between her teeth and she lowers her gaze instead.

Rachel almost jumps back as Quinn walks closer to her but before she can even react the blonde has a hold of both of her arms in a tight grip and soft lips are pressing against her tense ones. As expected, Quinn doesn't lose her grip until Rachel has returned the kiss.

"Don't-" Quinn shakes her head before she finally turns around and looks up the stairs, bluntly pushing Rachel away. She has all the power she can imagine between these four walls, all she ever wanted materially, half of her dreams are yet to be reached and all of them revolve around the woman standing behind her, fearing her. If she could only turn back time.

"Where are the kids?"

"My parents stopped by and took them to spend the night. Is that okay?"

Apart from the deadly cold stare, Rachel doesn't receive an answer. She knows her wife adores her kids and don't finding them home is just asking for trouble.

The emptiness in her stomach is one step from making Rachel sick but somehow she manages to smile again, push the shame to the back of her mind and walk to the oven to get her wife's dinner.

"I made your favorite" she smiles, wishing against hope to get approval that doesn't come.

"I can see that" Quinn is already sat at the head of the table, her white shirt folded up to her elbows as she sips the white wine that's been served for her.

As Quinn starts eating, Rachel allows herself to smile despise all odds because Quinn always loved her cooking, even now.

"How was your day?"

"It was alright. Some idiot almost made me lose my patience but nothing out of the ordinary there" her hazel eyes momentarily find Rachel's shy ones and the brunette feels ashamed again, the pun definitely understood.

"What happened?"

"Lana, Santana's secretary? She lost some papers on a case and as you can imagine Santana lost it and made the girl look in the entire building before fire her but the dumbass couldn't just leave and that's when _I_ lost it. At the end we had security remove her from the building but not before causing an entire scene"

"I thought Mary was Santana's secretary?"

"I fired her about a month ago, I swear Santana has a thing for dumb girls with no job experience whatsoever"

"Maybe she's just looking for an unfound talent"

"Maybe, but that wasn't all, after lunch I had to sit and watch how a wife's client beg the guy not to take their kids. Quite a scene she put up, with tears, sobs and muffled cries of desperation and all. Ridiculous!"

"Are they getting a divorce?" Rachel softly asks receiving a nod from her wife, who's still eating. "They won't share custody?"

When Quinn looks up and smirks at her direction, Rachel's skin grows goosebumps and she sits up straight in her chair. After ten years of marriage she has come to know her wife pretty well and she knows exactly when Quinn is being malicious, like she is right now.

"It won't be a fair share, the woman doesn't really have much money to raise three kids and my client is a well-known producer in town, it won't be a financial issue for him or even a struggle. They singed a prenuptial agreement so no one gets half of anything."

The threat is there, Rachel can smell it.

"So what happens now?"

"Easy, I'll present the case, the jury will agree with us, they'll see that the woman is an unfit parent and practically broke, and my client will walk away with his three kids and his fortune untouched"

"But that will be unfair"

"How come?"

"Do you really think it's okay for a woman to lose her children in a custody battle?"

"They're not just hers and I will rather have my kids with food on their table than with an unfit parent that can barely feed them"

"You mean your client"

"Same analogy" the blonde shrugs and continues eating, like what she said isn't actually a threat or like she actually has no idea of what is waiting for her above the fridge in a yellow envelop. But she knows, she knows everything.

"Why does he want the kids? If he's as successful as you say then he's not home quite often"

"So?"

"So, my question is why? Why does he want the kids?"

"He wants to show her a lesson. She's nothing without him, just some useless excuse of a human being that doesn't have the courage to stand up for herself, she's not the woman he married all those years ago and he just wants her to wake up. He wants her to fight back."

"Show her a lesson? By taking away her kids?"

"Their kids!" she's not talking about her client, Rachel knows it but she can't drop the discussion, not even when she knows that she's not going to be the one standing when it's over.

"The guy has money, a nice girlfriend who treats him good and has a personality of her own. He loves his kids and he wants to give them everything and anything they want and need and he wouldn't be able to do that if he doesn't have them with him, now would he?"

The quirk eyebrow is a tell and Rachel's breath hitches because she realizes that Quinn knows, she knows what she is going to do, she knows about the divorce. How?

"Money isn't everything"

"What do you mean?"

"Money isn't everything in a marriage" her voice comes strangled and Quinn sets her fork on her plate to really look at her.

"And you would know that, wouldn't you?"

"I do" she locks eyes with Quinn and for a moment she thinks about backing down, pick up the plate and wash it, get away from the blonde but it's too late. Rachel should know better than to have an opinion, Quinn's taught her better.

"Without money you have no place to live, no food on your table, no education for your children, tell me Rachel. What _do you mean_ by money isn't everything?" her voice echoes in the house by the force of it and for a second Rachel is frozen but then she remembers, when Quinn asks a question she expects an answer.

"What about love?" she feels so stupid and naïve for saying it but her stare doesn't falter and Quinn lifts her chin in the air as she sets down her glass of wine after taking a slow sip. Her superiority is visible, Rachel is nothing compared to her, _nothing_.

"What about it? You are happy if you have what you need to live a good life. Don't you have a good life with me, with us?"

"I do"

"Then why would you mention that you're not?"

"I didn't"

"You should be congratulating yourself" Quinn says in an irritated tone and Rachel can't ignore the sudden panic that rises within her.

"What?" her voice shakes along with her entire body.

"You always find a way to provoke me when we're alone."

Quinn's eyes don't leave hers as she drinks the last of her wine and puts the glass on the table before she stands up and walks towards Rachel.

She wants to run, she should run but for some reason she stays on her chair, her heart beating so hard inside her chest that she can hear it in her ears. She's the lamb and Quinn is definitely the lion.

In a moment of sanity Rachel wonders if Quinn would be able to get her before she can reach the front door.

She knows that she can. She always can.

It terrifies her.

"I'm sorry" the apologize falls out of her mouth out instinctively and shaky and she squeezes her mouth shut as Quinn grabs a hold of her arm and roughly pushes her into the living room and onto the large couch. The blonde crawls on top of her, breathing extremely hard on her face as she rubs herself on her wife.

"We should make the most out of this alone time, don't you think?"

Rachel cries softly and nods her answer, giving her wife the green light to do whatever she has in mind. She swallows the sobs as Quinn undresses her, she squishes her eyes shut as her wife's mouth kisses her shaking body.

"You like it, don't you? You've always liked me doing this to you" her fingers are teasing her inner thighs as she undoes her pants with her free hand.

"You like me manhandling you like this, especially when we do this, don't you love?"

"Y-yes" Rachel shudders and her breath hitches as Quinn enters her with a swift thrust of her hips.

"God, you still feel as good as when we were seventeen. I love you"

"I love you too."

And it's always declarations of love that make Quinn snap out of whatever state she's currently in and tonight is no exception.

"Did you tell her the same when she was fucking you?" all thrusting had stopped as Rachel chastises herself, even though she knows that she didn't do anything wrong.

"Answer me!"

"No, I didn't"

"Did you think about me when she was buried deep inside of you? Huh!"

"I'm sorry" Rachel cries and Quinn reassumes her thrusting, this time Rachel losses her breath and all sense of intimacy is lost when her insides start feeling like they're being rip to pieces.

"Fuck, you disgust me! You fucking disgust me!" she pulls out and gets away from her naked wife on the couch, "I hate what you did, I hate that you let her touched you like you did!"

"Please" Rachel begs but Quinn has her pinned to the floor already and before she can utter a second word a hard slap meets her face and for a moment she sees fire behind her eyelids but she doesn't have time to think about it when a second and a third slap hit her rapidly.

"Did you actually think that I don't know? That some _nobody_ would keep this away from me? She came to my office the same day you went to hers, _darling_. She told me everything, she showed me the pictures, she even helped me burn them but she still did all the paper work because I told her to go ahead and help you."

Deep down Rachel had allowed herself to believe, but even deeper down she knew it was worthless.

"I know you got the papers today, where are they?"

So she gets the papers, reads them in silence as Rachel observes from the floor where she's still crying. Quinn shakes her head here and there, and when she's done she picks her wife up from the floor and helps her standing up by pulling her hair.

"Do you really think I'd give her the satisfaction to see us getting a divorce? That I'd give her the chance she has so desperately been wishing for since we left high school to make a move on you? Do you think you've seen the worst in me, love?"

She grabs a hold of Rachel's chin and lifts her up as she throws the papers on the floor. Her lips ghost over Rachel's as she stares in her eyes.

"Don't do anything stupid again, I won't leave you and you won't leave me. I love you and you know why I do what I do. Snap out of it, damn it! When are you going to snap out of it? When?!"

A part of Rachel, as small as it is makes her believe that Quinn is ashamed of everything, that there is hope to hold onto to.

"She will never have you, never. You're mine as I'm yours, alright?" the desperation lacing Quinn's tone is enough to make Rachel's heart ache because she did this, she was the one who broke them all those years ago.

"Let's go to bed?" she asks and Quinn pecks her lips as she wraps her up in a _warm_ embrace as they walk up the stairs. She won't leave this place, she's tried, hasn't she? She won't ever leave Quinn's side.

…


	2. PART ONE: Twelve years ago

Hello, everyone!

This story will be divided in two parts, the first one will be told by Rachel's point of view and the second will be from a third point of view altogether. I also want to point out that I'm reposting this and it deals with severe domestic abuse on later chapters, so if you are not up to see where this goes and what you'll find here then I say _go back now _because this isn't a happy story_._

Thanks for that amazing response guys and for kicking my butt into posting this again.

…

**PART ONE**

_Twelve Years Ago_

_Senior year-High School_

…

Our relationship didn't have a great beginning. I was geeky and she was popular, I liked argyle and had an immense affinity for knee socks and excessive accessories that did nothing for my looks and she, well she had an amazing sense of fashion and still does to this day.

I lived my first two years of high school being single and she was switching girlfriends at every opportunity she got until _Elizabeth_ came along and then she was no longer a 'stud' but a domesticated kitty.

It was our senior year and by that time I'd already memorized every symmetrical line of her face, I learnt to recognize the sound of her laugh and voice at an impressive distance. I knew what every smile meant, every look and every mannerism and she wasn't even my friend, needless to say I was more pathetic that I already was because of her and she didn't even know that I existed.

Elizabeth on the other hand was a sweetheart, everyone wanted to be her friend and not because she was popular –although that played a factor as well- but because she was that kind of person that just makes you want to have close, not to mention she was gorgeous to the eye and had the third highest GPA in our school, and was the President of the Student Association, she was High School royalty.

Quinn wasn't far behind; she was the best student of our class, beautiful beyond compare although her attitude wasn't always the best. She was known for her quick tongue and insults that fell out of her mouth effortlessly. She became famous –as famous as one can be in High School- for the way she raised her eyebrow and stared at people. _The look_ became something everyone was afraid of but wanted to see at least once.

They were an odd couple, people didn't understand how someone like Elizabeth could give the time of day to Quinn but _I _could.

It wasn't because of popularity, it wasn't because they were top game and meant to be together or even stupid High School rules, no, there wasn't any ulterior motive behind them, they were truly in love and anyone who dared to look close enough would have been able to see it but no one bothered, too busy making up rumors on their own.

It was the way Quinn would kiss Liz's cheek while she listened to whatever story the brunette was telling. It was Liz's sweet way to feed Quinn her lunch while she sat on the blonde's lap. It was the way they touched each other, tucking their hairs behind each other's ears and the soft caresses on hands and arms while they shared a class.

They loved each other and everyday it broke my heart because while Quinn was in love with Elizabeth, captain of the Cheerleading Squad, beautiful brunette with eyes two different colors and body to die for, I was irrevocably in love with Quinn. I had convinced myself that I would never have a chance and that's why I never saw it coming.

…

Complete and utter fear, that's what the girl in front of me has always been able to provoke. Santana Lopez might not have ever been mean to me directly but her reputation presided her and she wasn't exactly the kind of enemy that you wanted to have. In my case, I didn't want her around at all since I didn't have any real friends by my side at any times.

"Midget" her bored tone always scared me more than when she was screaming in Spanish. She was Quinn's best friend, second in command in the Cheerleading Squad, second best student of our class and completely terrifying but even I couldn't deny how beautiful and sexy she was all the time, not that I could notice anyway with her piercing dark eyes staring at me.

She might have seen the scared look in my eyes because her eyes relaxed and a small smile formed in her lips, "chill out, I'm not going to kill you. It would be nice to get some credit every once and a while, y'know?"

I nodded, although the tension never left my body. She told me how she wanted to perform for Glee Club, a singing club we were all part of, popular and geeky kids singing, laughing and getting along for two hours every week and then went back to ignore each other in the school's hallways.

I was always one to help, eager to make friends because I had none and quickly invited her to my house. I didn't know she would appear at my door step hours later with Brittany, another cheerleader and none other than Quinn Fabray.

…

At first I was petrified, I couldn't speak, couldn't remember why I had opened the door but Brittany didn't wait for an invitation and I was home alone. Santana followed her after flashing me a sweet smile and lingering eye contact.

I knew Santana and Brittany weren't just friends and I had never seen two girls kissing before that afternoon, but I didn't find it odd and I couldn't not stare, I didn't even want to look away and the door wasn't even closed yet.

"Hi" that voice was coming from the girl that had yet to step inside my house and I jumped at the chance of talking to her. I invited her in, reciprocated her gentle smile and subtly rubbed my sweaty hands on my skirt.

I couldn't believe she was in my house, talking to me, smiling to me. My legs were turning into jelly and she was leaning casually against the door frame of my kitchen looking at me with an amused smirk adorning her lips.

I was done, captivated, in love. She wore a leather jacket that afternoon, the same I had seen on Elizabeth's shoulders countless of times, it belonged to Quinn and a part of me, a big part of me wanted to wear that jacket. I didn't know why, I couldn't explain it, I just wanted to be with her so bad that sometimes I felt blind and deft towards everything else when she was in my radio.

"You have a lovely home" she said and I kept drowning, I couldn't stop.

"Thank you, my daddy is in charge of decoration and he takes his job very seriously"

"Well, he does a lovely job" her brow furrowed in the most adorable sight of confusion and she asked. "Daddy is the big one, right?"

"Yes, he is"

"I heard you say that once in Glee" I didn't know what to say, all my mind was racing about was the fact that she had heard me talking, she remembered something I had said months ago.

I offered her a drink, which she accepted with another disarming smile. We got to work after that. Santana didn't really know what she wanted to sing about so we spent three hours sitting in the living room carpet going through all the sheet music I had to offer.

Quinn's smile never left her lips; it was all jokes and games between the three of them. I was seeing a side of the three most popular girls in school that not everyone got to see in their lifetimes, I felt honored and for the first time, I felt included.

But although Quinn was the funniest and dorkiest of the three of them I quickly noticed that she was also the one that made the calls and the other two didn't put much of a fight in what she had to say or wanted to do. I wondered what it'd be like to have that kind of power when you are so young, but I was never going to experience that.

When Santana finally picked a song it's an understatement to say that we were all tired and beyond fed up of listening to classical songs.

"It was about damn time, I was about to lose my head over here"

"Oh, shut it blondie. You love my raspy, sexy and tempting singing voice" Santana teased Quinn.

"You wish."

After that a –playing- fight unraveled in my living room between the two best friends. Brittany sat next to me, drinking what was left of her fourth seven eleven and explained to me how that was just typical Quinn/Santana behavior and how they loved each other even after the punches they were delivering.

I was laughing, enjoying myself with people that I never thought I would. They were just girls, different, most attractive and definitely more popular that I was but at the end of the day they were just girls.

By the time we ordered pizza for dinner I was no longer feeling like I didn't belong, I felt like an extension of their little group and they were treating me as such.

"So, she just broke up with you?" Santana interrupted a shrugging Quinn.

"I'm glad she did. We weren't going anywhere, things have been so awkward for the last few months that I just couldn't wait for her to do it. I didn't want to be the one that did it" I had gathered that Elizabeth and Quinn's relationship was over but I never thought they hadn't been okay since a few days ago.

"And you just let the bitch go like that, why didn't you break up with _her_?" for a moment I truly believed that Quinn was going to correct Santana and defend her ex but she just shrugged again.

"She always said I was mean and whatever, if I had broken up with her I would have been proving her right"

"You and fucking pride" Santana shook her head but Quinn didn't respond. They were done talking about it.

"When are your parents getting home, Rach?" I loved the sound of my name in Quinn's voice, I loved it then and I still love it now.

"They won't be coming home tonight; Dad had a conference to attend in a different state so they'll be here by Monday morning."

I heard a gasp, Quinn close her eyes like expecting for a punch that never came but she turned around to look at her best friend with a pointed look while all I could do was stare.

"This is Rachel's house, if you want to do anything, _propose_ anything, she's the one you need consent from first"

"Come on" she whined in a childish way but Quinn just gave _the look_ and she rolled her eyes before crossing her arms above her chest.

She reluctantly told me her bright idea and even though I had never drunk before that day, I quickly gave her the green light because that meant that they were going to be staying and I didn't want them to leave just yet.

Of course it wasn't the best idea that I had had before that day and I knew it as soon as I started to lose control of my body. I didn't care, I wasn't completely drunk but I wasn't near sober either but I didn't care, I just wanted to dance.

It was dark; we had forgotten to turn on the lights. Brittany was giggling somewhere and I didn't even know where exactly I was but I didn't care.

"You are a terrible dancer" a voice said before I was flushed against another body softly and carefully. A part of me wanted to correct her but I smiled, recognizing the teasing in Quinn's tone. When I opened my eyes I found her smiling back at me, her eyes trained in mine, her soft hands holding me steady. She took the wine cooler from my hands and put it away.

I wrapped my arms around her neck, rested my head on her chest and told myself that I had to remember that moment forever because it was everything I was going to get from her.

We danced and she sang in my ear the lyrics of a song that I couldn't even place and then she kissed me, her lips pressed against my own in a soft and innocent kiss that made my head spin harder. My knees gave up on me but she didn't let me fall.

"You made my knees go week" I stupidly said and she laughed.

"You're corny"

"Only for you" I didn't feel embarrassed and she was laughing.

"You're drunk"

"Right on, baby" she laughed even harder and pecked my lips one more time, like she couldn't resist to kiss me like that. Like she had been waiting to kiss me for a long time and she was finally getting her chance.

I remember thinking that I wasn't enough, the brutal need to tell her that I was not as beautiful as the other girls in school hit me but I didn't say a thing.

"You are so adorable, it's a mystery to me how I've managed to stay away from you for so long"

"What?" I wasn't in the right mood for heartfelt conversation and those sounded like big words I didn't want to understand at the moment.

"I like you" she whispered against my ear as if she was telling me a top secret.

"I like you too" I whispered as well but I'm sure I didn't actually whisper it because she jumped back lightly and laughed again.

What she did next disarmed me completely. She kissed my forehead, rubbed my arms to keep me warm and told me that I needed to get some sleep. She helped me up the stairs, helped me get changed and tucked me under the covers.

"Stay" I asked her. It looked like she was about to tell me no but then she laid beside me, slipped her right arm under my head and cuddled me close as if we've done it many times in the past when it was actually the first time she was hugging me.

…

When I woke up the next morning she offered me a bottle of water and some aspirins. I was let down that I didn't wake up in her arms like I had thought I would but after I finished the water she got into bed with me again and I let her, I even snuggled close to her and she hugged me like it was a common occurrence, like we weren't experiencing something different.

"What you said last night…"

"I mean it" she cut me off and pulled back slightly to be able to look me in the eyes. "I meant every word"

"So, you like me" I couldn't get over the surprise of it. I didn't believe it. How could she like me back? Me?

"_Like_ is such a small word. I'd say my obsession with you borders on creepy" she blushed and ducked her head, and I found her adorable.

"I like creepy" she laughed and the tension left her body just as quickly as it had come.

"Did _you_ mean it?" she asked, letting me see for the first time her vulnerable side.

"Yes, I have for while"

"How long? Tell me" she snuggled even closer, her lips kissed the side of my mouth and I melted.

"Sixth grade, you pushed Finn away from me because he kept trying to touch me"

"Oh, yeah, I remember. I hate the kid back then, I couldn't stand him touching you or anyone else for that matter, I wanted to punch him, I still want to punch him now actually" her expression was thoughtful and something inside of me tingled. She sounded possessive and I liked it. I just didn't know what the signs were back then. How could I?

"You liked me since then as well?"

"Fifth grade," she said, pride shining in her hazel eyes; "you were crying because Karofsky has said some mean things about your dads. I told you not to cry and you ran away crying even harder, I promised myself in that second that I will take care of you and I have ever since."

I thought about how every Glee kid had been slushied by the Cheerleaders and Football team, how I was always left out of the group of victims and I understood what she's saying.

"In school?"

"Yes, those guys are seriously wrong in the head. Have you seen the new big gulp slushies?" I shuddered just at the thought of them. I hadn't been hit with one but I could only imagine what would it would be like to be hit with a wall of ice in the face.

"Why do they do it?"

"Stupid power representation of who's the boss and who's not, who's on the top and who are the losers. It's stupid and completely archaic. I see enough tears in my house as it is, I don't ever want to see you crying like that in School" I trusted her, believed her completely even when I didn't have a reason to and I was just getting to know her.

"Thank you" I whispered and she smiled.

"Would you go out with me?" she asked, a cute smirk adorning her face as she waited for an answer. Like I could ever tell her no.

I never thought much of it, although any intelligent person would have. I only knew weeks later that everything had been a set up, it was all a plan to get to me, Santana didn't even sing at Glee Club. At the time I felt important because she had gone through that entire problem to get to me, making her friends help her but in reality it hadn't been and I should have seen it.

….


	3. Twelve years ago, 2

Chapter 2

_Twelve Years Ago _

…

I was in love, happy. My smile was enough to illuminate an entire room, my dads were glad to see me act like a normal teenage girl for once and even though I didn't have friends, I had Quinn and she was more than enough.

She never changed; she was still the cold, manipulative and demanding person with everyone else but not to me. I always wondered how she was able to be crazy in love with me and still hate the world. More than once I considered the idea that she had a switch somewhere in her body that made her act that way but I never complained, never asked her to change.

"Hello, beautiful" her husky voice was something I was still getting used to.

"Hi, baby" we weren't exactly a couple yet but we had been dating for four weeks already, little out goings to the mall and the movies and somewhere along the way the pet names just stuck.

"I got you something" she smiled and pulled out a black box from her backpack and gave it to me.

"You didn't have to"

"I wanted to and it's just a little thing" I took the box as she shrugged, trying to take importance away from the fact that she was giving me the first gift I've ever received in my life from someone beside my parents. She was so cute.

A necklace with her name on cursive letters was in the box, it was gold, I could tell when I saw it the first time.

"Quinn, this is…"

"You like it?" she was nervous, insecure.

"This is beautiful, I love it" she let out a breath, huffing and then smiling. She looked relieved.

"This is nothing. Rachel, I want to give you the world."

I believed her, we were seventeen, months from graduation, we were barely growing up but I trusted her and her confidence.

She put the necklace around my neck and I kissed her when she was done. It was our first kiss in public, the make out session in my bedroom didn't count right now but she looked proud, happy to have me in her arm and I felt deserving of her but only slightly since the insecurity of not being enough was still dancing in the back of my mind.

"Thank you, I love it" I said, touching the necklace and making a mental note to never take it off.

"It looks perfect on you" she kissed my nose and smiled brightly at me, "you're adorable" she said before she took the books from my arms and faced me with a collected expression.

"Go out with me" we had been going out but the way she asked me there, I knew it was different, special.

"Of course"

"I'll pick you up at seven. I'll talk to your parents, ask for permission and everything, you'll be proud of me" her excitement was contagious and completely adorable; I could tell that she had been planning it for a while and I was easily drowned into her enthusiasm.

She dropped me home after school just like she had been doing since the day she stayed the night, but I wasn't complaining and I admit I was very effortlessly sold to the idea of dating the most beautiful girl in Lima.

I was happy, she made me giddy, she turned me into this crazy love stuck teenager that couldn't wipe the smile of her face at any time.

"Baby girl, is that you?" my daddy's voice was gentle and happy, he was glad to be home making dinner and I was glad that he was around so I could tell him all about Quinn and our date that night.

"Hi daddy, you're home early" I kissed his cheek on my way to the fridge.

"There wasn't much work to do in the office but tell me about your day, did Quinn drop you of?"

"She did, daddy she's amazing."

Looking back I know that what I felt and what she felt in those days was real, there were no dark secrets to be kept just yet, it was truly the start of something exciting, lasting.

My dads were and still are my biggest supporters, they never questioned my sexuality, they just accepted me and let me know their concerns about the life style I was about to commit to but other than that, they stood proudly beside me, always having my back.

…

The entire afternoon was a blur of madness. I was about to lose myself, I took a shower, shaved my legs, put a mask on and tried every single outfit in my closet until deciding for something that seemed fitting for a date, _a real date_ I had to keep remind myself, with Quinn.

I still managed to be ready and waiting for her ten minutes before seven in the living room with my dads. I was freaking out, of course I was freaking out. She was going to meet my dads that night, she was going to talk to them, probably answer a few questions about her intentions and what not because I had warned her that my parents were very traditional in that aspect.

I couldn't sit down, even after my daddy asked me to and barely run towards the door when the bell went off at seven o'clock.

I remember clearly seeing my dads as excited as I was, maybe even more. Now I understand that it wasn't just my first time bringing anyone home but theirs as well.

I opened the door. She wore jeans, a v-neck shirt and her famous leather jacket. She looked casual, almost carefree if it wasn't for the single lily in her hands and the too sweet smile that adorned her lips. I was the luckiest girl back then and I knew it.

"You look beautiful" her voice, raspy and a tad insecure made me step forward. I don't even remember what I wore that day because all I could focus was her but I'm almost sure I wore a dress.

"You are…"

"Let her in, we want to meet the girl" my dad cut me off and both Quinn and I chuckled at his interruption.

"I heard you mentioning how lilies are your favorite flowers and my mom has them in the backyard so I thought I'd bring one for you" I took the offered flower and took her hand.

"You like them as well?"

"I love them"

"Now I love them even more" I was cheesy and she had told me that several times but I couldn't stop, not when she was around. "Come on, let's take you to meet my parents."

She was nervous, her hands were sweating and she was trying a little too hard to look aloof. I was getting good at reading her but I never let her know, for some reason I didn't think that she'd appreciate something like that. She was too private sometimes.

"Good evening, sirs" she said as soon as we crossed the living room frame, her jaw was setting out of nerves and her shoulders kept dropping with each deep breath that she took.

"Dad, daddy, this is Quinn Fabray"

"Leroy Berry" my daddy shook her hand a little too roughly for my liking and looking straight into her eyes he said, "you can call me Mr. Berry."

I instantly knew that he didn't like her but I couldn't pin point why. She was being so attentive, so polite that I didn't understood his reaction and the only thing that stopped me from being rude was that I knew he was a good people reader and he was often right about his assumptions. I thought I'd talk to him later about it, I thought he would push.

"Pleasure to meet you Mr. Berry" her tone was rougher as well, unwavering and a little irritated.

"I'm Hiriam" my dad tried to break the tension by rolling his eyes at my daddy to make his disapproval known. "And you can call me, Hiriam" he winked at her and Quinn's smile instantly returned to her face while I gave my dad a thankful nod.

"Pleasure to meet you… Hiriam" she blushed, the word leaving her mouth as if it was something foreign and unacceptable. I thought she was the cutest thing I'd ever seen.

I sat next to her on the couch and interlaced our fingers, silently telling her that I was there, that we were going to do it together. She squeezed my hand lightly and I knew she understood.

When my daddy called her name, obviously about to start an interrogation that should have been scary, Quinn winked at my direction just like she always did. I knew right there that she wasn't going to let herself be intimidated by my daddy and a part of me loved her rebellion side.

"Why are you here?"

"I wanted to ask for your permission to date your daughter properly, sir" I saw the excitement on my dad's face and I would have joined him but I was staring lovingly at the girl by my side.

"You've already been going out though, why this sudden interest in ask for permission?"

"I know it's important for Rachel that I do so, sir so it's important for me too. I don't want to sneak around with her"

"But that's exactly what you've been doing so far" he didn't like her and he was trying to step over her, he was trying to break her but she never falter, she never broke his gaze and she answered his questions with marvelous calmness.

"We haven't been sneaking out sir, there hasn't been anything to hide. I care deeply for your daughter and I have for a while"

"But you only decided to come here by her suggestion?"

"I suggested that I wanted to meet you and your husband, I respect you two and admire for your great courage. I wanted to introduce myself to let you know that I'm not just some girl dating your daughter but a person that would take care of her and put her first in every possible way. My intentions are pure and I have nothing to hide."

There was no room for more questions and my daddy didn't have another angle to attack but that didn't stop him from making his dislike for her any less known.

"Rachel needs to be home by eleven" he said before he left the living room and went upstairs straight to his room.

My dad tried to convince her that daddy was just being over-protective but I knew that once he had made his decision he wouldn't change his mind. I resented him so much. She was the first girl that I took home, the first person that I loved and he didn't even give her a chance.

I was heartbroken but when Quinn and I were alone in her car I did everything I could to reassure her, because how could I not try when seeing her hurt killed me like it did?

"He hates me" he ran her hand through her golden locks, she looked devastated.

"He doesn't hate you, he just needs time to see how wonderful you are. He's always been a bit too overprotective"

"He hates me" she said louder and I realized that she wasn't just whining about it; she was accepting it.

"He doesn't hate you"

"He doesn't approve of me so he might as well hate me" she started the car again, driving with unnecessary speed. "This wasn't supposed to be this way, they were supposed to like me. I was supposed to have their blessing tonight so I could ask you to be my girlfriend properly. God, I feel like an ass!" she punched the wheel, completely ignoring the way I was looking at her.

I guess that that was the first moment when I imagined a future with her and oh boy, did I want it. I wanted it so bad, I wanted to be and have everything with her and for her.

"I'm so sorry , Rachel" she took my hand and kissed the knuckles of my fingers making me shiver, "I still want you to my girlfriend and I'm still asking but his blessing would have mean a lot to me, to us"

"He's not a bad person" I felt the need to defend my daddy, even if I was still angry with him.

"I know he's not and I promise you that I'll do whatever I have to do until I get his approval"

"We don't need his approval"

"You say that now and in a way it's true but it can't hurt to have him on our corner and I'll make sure that he's on our corner."

I didn't read between the lines, how could I? I was seventeen, she was my first love and every single word that came out of her mouth was religion for me.

She took me to a house just outside the city limits, told me that it was her grandmother's and that it was unoccupied at the moment. I was speechless, she had arrange the whole place to look like a romantic old movie and I was on the edge of happy tears because I thought that she must have loved me so much to go through all of that trouble.

I guess she did back then, loved me like that.

The living room couches were pushed to the far side against the walls and the entire space was set with white blankets and fluffy white pillows on the sides. There was a basket with food, rose petals and lilies. Everything looked perfect, so perfect that at one point I thought that I was dreaming.

I had never been on a date at the time but even I could tell that what she had done for me and our first 'official date' was far and beyond.

"What do you think?" she asked smiling, the hint of vulnerability edged in her beautiful eyes.

"This is… God, Quinn. This is perfect, it's beautiful; how did you do this?"

"I have my ways" she kissed my cheek and winked at me, "only the best for you"

We sat in the middle of the pedals, blankets and pillows, she was holding my hands, caressing me with her thumbs, pulling me closer.

"I have a present for you" she confessed, the smile on her face was even bigger than before.

"That's not fair! I haven't gotten you anything!"

"No, baby, it's okay. This is more like a surprise, really. Not a present."

I haven't seen the flat screen pushed to the front and the dvd player next to it until she went to put a disc on it and then came back to me. I gasped, shocked out of my mind.

The movie on the screen was my favorite movie of all times. I had mentioned it in Glee Club but I always assumed that no one paid me any attention when I started to talk about musicals and Broadway, only Quinn had heard and not only that, but remember it.

"How did you know?" I threw myself in her arms, hugged her and kissed her in my happy stupor. She was giggling, her arms holding me in place when we fell backwards against the mountain of pillows.

"I always listen to you, especially when you talk about what you love the most"

"Funny Girl is my biggest love" I kissed her again and she laughed. We laid on the blankets, watched the movie and hugged through the entire length of the movie.

We hadn't had the opportunity to cuddle ever since the night in my house and we took advantage of the privacy that the empty house provided us then. She was soft and warm, I felt comfortable in her arms, protected somehow. I felt at home with her.

We didn't watch the end of the film and I don't know who started it but suddenly we were kissing, making out, our hands were travelling down our bodies, always making sure not to cross a fine line of course but still bordering on it.

She was sucking on my lips, biting my chin softly, kissing my neck and I was letting her. I didn't know if I was doing alright but she wasn't complaining and I saw that as a good sign. She was patient, giggled when I didn't open my mouth and she had to tap my lips with her fingers, and told me how to use my tongue when we were kissing. She had done it before and she was so good at it, and she was the first girl I was kissing.

"You are so beautiful" she whispered against my lips. I still remember the tickles her skin caused.

"Thank you" she giggled and pecked my lips one more time.

"You are something else, you know?"

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No, God! No. It's the best thing about you; you're so different from all the dumb girls in our school, so independent, so intelligent. No one has to tell you how to be because you already know who you are and you are so freaking adorable, your innocence is something I treasure. You have no idea what you mean to me."

I was in love and she loved me back. I was the luckiest girl.

"You are perfect" I breathed out.

"You are mine. Please, tell me that you are mine from now on, that you'll never leave me" her desperation was nothing more than undying love or at least that's what I told myself, that's what I believed.

"I'm already yours"

"Would you be my girlfriend, Rachel?"

"Yes, a thousand times yes."

…


	4. Twelve years ago, 3

Chapter 3

_Twelve Years Ago_

…

We had been together for five months when I realized that being in a relationship with Quinn Fabray was in fact the biggest challenge that I had faced in my young life until then.

She was gentle, patient, understanding but she was also pushing, demanding and a dictator in her own way. Whatever she said went and I didn't have a say in the matter and it had only been five months but I was still very much in love with her and she loved me back just as much. At the time our love was pure, no matter what laid beneath the layers of fake.

I had been surprised when I found out about her unique condition but I had heard rumors around the school before so I sat still while she told me about it on a medical level and what it meant for her. I never thought about leaving her but that had been her biggest fear and she told me so, making me promise that I'd never break up with her because of her condition.

It never even crossed my mind but I understood why she'd be so scared. I remember thinking how alone she must have felt with dealing with her condition and how difficult it must have been to grow in such a conservative town like Lima. I assured her in the best way that I could and of course, I promised her that I'll never leave her.

For the last three months though Elizabeth had been a constant push and pull between us. She was always flirting and Quinn never did anything to stop her, I was getting fed up but then she would tell me that I was her girlfriend; that Elizabeth only wanted to cause trouble and I believed her and never doubted her even though I desperately wanted to tell Elizabeth off.

Our first big fight happened because of sex, surprisingly. I had never been intimate with a person back then, I had never even been kissed before she came into my life so five months weren't exactly that long for me and her advances always seemed pushy although restrained.

Her hand had reached my inner thigh and I freaked out, I pushed her away and told her that we needed to cool off, which had gave her the green light to bring up an entire list of reasons why we should do it and what a case of 'blue balls' she was becoming. She went on and told me how it wasn't a big deal, that sex is just another part of life and when I still said no, she just left without much as a goodbye.

Her departure had been the worst, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop thinking about her and what it would be like. I was about to call her and ask her to come back but I didn't.

I was a virgin and the stories of Quinn Fabray in bed were legendary in school, I was afraid she was going to leave me for someone who was willing to put out for the most beautiful girl in town but at the same time I was completely shattered by her reaction.

I didn't go to school the next morning, I was too busy sulking, thinking about all the possible scenarios and realizing that my virginity wasn't exactly that big of a deal, that I was going to lose it eventually and why not to the girl I loved the most.

"Knock, knock."

The door to my room was opened, my dads were still in their offices when she popped her head inside. She knew were we kept the spare key, she had memorized my fathers' schedules.

"Baby, can I come in?" I was angry, she left me because I didn't open my legs for her. She made me feel like an idiot, like some frigid tease and I wasn't trying to be any of those things.

So I stayed quiet and she got in anyway. I sat up on the board of my bed when she sat down on the edge. I didn't want her to touch me, I was hurt and didn't feel like she wanted to be with me after the night before.

"Baby" she tried to hold my hands but I didn't let her, I pulled away and even put a pillow between us. But she moved the pillow away and held my hands anyway.

"Rachel, baby. You have no idea how sorry I am" her voice cracked, her eyes pooled with unshed tears and my own anger was evaporating like fog at the mere sight.

"Let go, I don't want you close right now" she pulled at my hands and I remembered her throwing the book from my nightstand against the wall and kicking the door before she left the night before. I was terrified of her.

"God, I'm so sorry. I never wanted you to think that I'm pushing you, not like this, not for sex. Rachel, I love you" she was trying so hard to keep her voice in check but it kept cracking. It kept showing me her true colors.

"You scared me"

"I know, God! I'm so stupid. Rachel, the look in your eyes is something that I'm never going to forget. Baby, I'm sorry. I love you, you have to believe me"

"You have a funny to show it."

The change was instant, that if had blinked I wouldn't have been able to see it. The sorrow disappeared from her eyes and her features turned cold, icy.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly what it means, there's no between the lines there" her fists were pressing against the mattress, her face was turning red. She was angry and I saw it but how in the world could I have known? How could I have pin point what everything meant? What every little reaction was concealing. I couldn't.

"I made a mistake, I'm a human being, Rachel. Just because all those losers in school keep talking about me like I'm some kind of fucking leader to them doesn't mean that I don't have feelings or desires. I'm allowed to make mistakes too! Last night was a mistake that I deeply regret and I'm currently apologizing for but you can't see it, can you?"

"You were pushing when you know my limits well!"

"I was trying to be intimate with my girlfriend! Is that a fucking crime?"

"You know I'm not ready for sex!"

"You act like I was trying to stick it in or something, my hand was on your thigh!"

I fell silent without an argument. I knew she was right and that we both had overreacted. She had been patient and I knew it, she was growing desperate and I also knew it. But I was scared and she didn't want to acknowledge it because she wanted to take the next step so badly.

"You are being so crude" she took a deep breath and sat down again, this time closer to me.

"Baby, I love you. I'm sorry for yelling, I'm sorry for last night but baby…" she whined, her right knee was bobbing up and down making the whole bed shake with it.

"What?"

"Baby, we love each other. We've been together for five months, I'm never going to leave you and you are never going to leave me, right?"

To be honest, her words scared me but I didn't think any deeper into them. She was trying to apologize by bringing a future that we always dreamt of having and we were seventeen, I didn't know any better and she was far more ahead than me. By that time she had seen things that I hadn't even dreamt of seeing in my worst nightmares.

"Right" I answered and smiled when her face brightened.

"Can you help me understand why you don't want to have sex with me? Is it because of my condition? Because I would never want you to be uncomf…."

"No!" I stopped her, suddenly feeling like an insensitive idiot for making her doubt herself like that.

"Then you don't want to?" that wasn't the problem at all. Every time I kissed her I felt a pull in my stomach that was never seated and I knew it was because I wanted her to touch me farther, longer.

"No, is not that"

"Do you find me attractive? Do I make you want to do it?" she was beyond confused, I could see it in her eyes, she was insecure. Whenever we made out I had to focus deeply as to not get naked and ask her to take me, but I couldn't tell her that. I was never crude in my speaking.

"You are beautiful, of course I want to go further with you"

"But you don't find me hot"

"Quinn! Of course you are hot! You are the hottest girl in this town, don't ever say that again"

"Then what is it? Tell me, please"

"Why is it so important?"

"Because you're my girlfriend and you don't want to be with me like that"

"I want to, I do. I just… I'm scared"

"You don't have to be afraid" I looked away, trying to hide but she didn't let me and we ended up lying in bed while she held my hands firmly against my chest. She was practically on top of me but I wasn't fighting her. "I think I understand why you're afraid, I mean you are a virgin, right?" I remember feeling my face burning up like a Christmas tree. I felt mortified.

"Quinn" I begged and tried to get away but she kissed my cheek and held me in place.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, baby. I love that you're a virgin, I love to be this lucky and be with you right now. I do but baby, I've been going through hell the last couple of months"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't take this the wrong way but you drive me crazy, every time I see you in those skirts I have to control myself to be cool and every time we're making out and you make those little sounds" she took a deep breath and buried her face in my chest, I felt sorry for her while feeling like a complete ass at the same time. I never saw it that way, I never thought about what our little explorations might do to her, I was only thinking about me and what it meant for me that I never found the time or care to think about her wants.

"I don't want to rush you into anything that you're not ready for but give me a little credit here, would ya? I don't even know if you're gonna be ready any time soon but it doesn't matter because I'm here, okay? And I'm sorry for last night and earlier, I love you."

She looked sincere, guilty and regretful. We kissed and I let her hug me because I felt like we have just put the whole deal behind us and that's exactly what I wanted to do all along.

"I want to be ready" I whispered into her chest minutes later. I wanted to be and I wanted her to be my first.

"Don't worry about it, I guess five months without getting off has finally messed up with my brains" she laughed when I hit her lightly in the stomach.

"You are so crude, I don't think Santana is a good influence on you"

"Santana's not a good influence on anybody" she was still laughing, amused that I had gotten so red in the face with her comment.

"I meant what I said, I want to be ready with you" she held me closer, kissed my lips and said the magical words that made everything tumble down.

"I know you do baby, but let's not talk about sex anymore. I'll wait for you forever if I have to."

I didn't want to stop talking about it and we didn't, and yes it was the most mortifying talk I've ever had but she gave me the answers I didn't know I wanted. I could never really talk about it with my dads because they either got too literal or too mortified that I asked about sex so she was my first step into actually knowing everything.

"Does it hurt?"

"What?" she pulled back, confused by my question.

"When you… you know, when you get aroused" she chuckled and then laughed until she finally saw the look in my face that said I wasn't joking.

"Oh! Okay, mmm" she was blushing and my stomach was fluttering, she was so adorable, is. She still is. "It doesn't hurt when I'm hard. Ouch!"

"Don't be so crude"

Rubbing at her arm she continued to explain, "alright, it doesn't hurt when I'm _aroused_, it hurts if I don't take care of it, you know?"

"Take care of it?"

"Jerk… by giving myself a helping hand, y'know?" she was biting her lips, waiting for my reaction, blushing all the way there right with me. At least she was finding the interrogation as embarrassing as I did but she didn't deny me the answers and she didn't make fun of me for asking such things.

"Will it hurt?" she wrapped her arms around me again and kissed me before looking into my eyes.

"First times are always a bitch, especially for girls"

"Are you big?"

"Hell, yeah!" if I hadn't been so scared of the image that popped in my head I might have laughed at her quick answer.

"How big?"

"Not like huge, more like buff. I have eight inches on me which it's just above the average size, y'know? My doctor said so."

I nodded, finally understanding what we were talking about and thinking about things that I shouldn't have been. It was something that it was going to happen, I knew she was going to be my first, I _wanted_ her to be my first but I needed more than just honesty and she saw it.

"If you ever consider giving me this part of you, I will never hurt you, Rachel. This, I promise you" she kissed the corner of my lips, sealing the promise the way I was needing to hear.

…

I gave it so much thought, read many articles on the internet and even watched a couple of videos to prepare myself properly. It took me two weeks to shake off the nerves and then three more to actually accept that I was going to say yes. I was convinced that I was doing the right thing, I believed that it was my call and to some extend it was. I chose her and I chose when and that gave me the last push I needed to take that one last step.

_She loves you and you love her, she will take care of you. She is the love of your life. _It was the mantra I kept repeating over and over in my head while I stared at my reflection in Quinn's bathroom mirror.

It was the perfect opportunity, her mother went to visit Quinn's sister, Charlotte and it was my parents' anniversary that weekend so they went on a road trip together. Nothing was stopping us that night and eventually nothing did.

"Baby, are you ok in there?" she asked from outside the door, the worrisome in her voice couldn't be hidden. "Baby, I'm sorry if I was pushing this again, it wasn't my intention. We don't have to do anything tonight."

But she hadn't been pushing; she didn't even bring it up. It was me who thought about it, it was me the one to tell her I was ready. When I opened the door and tried to kiss her she stopped me before my lips touched hers.

"No, I'm sorry Rachel. I don't need any proves of your love, I'm sorry for pushing this on you"

"You weren't pushing, I was just giving myself a pep talk" I caressed the back of her neck, like I always did when I wanted her to relax and it was working.

"If you need a pep talk then you are not ready, baby" her hands gave my hips a gentle squeeze as her lips finally pecked mine.

"I'm ready" I said.

"Are you completely sure?" I didn't give her a verbal answer instead I kissed her deeply, letting my lips do the talking for once.

I was still nervous, my hands shook as she kissed me but she was gentle; her kisses weren't desperate but soothing. Her hands were controlled, her movements well placed. I felt loved, taken care of and among everything else, respected.

We had a purpose that night, we both knew where it was going to end and her bed was nothing but our little nest of love. Her kisses were hot, her breath intoxicating in a drowning way. I wanted more, I wanted everything and she was willing to give it to me.

When she took off my shirt I didn't have the immediate reaction to want it back, I wanted everything off. Our clothes were only getting in the way of our skin touching and I resented them greatly.

Her eyes never left mine as my last article of clothing was thrown to the floor, then her hands made a new exploration all over my body and although shaking, I willed myself to be in the moment, enjoy it and commit it to memory and she was nothing but perfect.

My breathing was becoming more erratic with every passing second and I truly felt like I could pass out when her mouth kissed or sucked on a new intimate place. I focused on the stars on her ceiling for a few minutes, trying not to become a moaning mess and make a fool out of myself but she understood that I needed a minute to recollect myself because she pulled back and removed her own clothes, giving me much needed time to breathe in air to my agonizing lungs.

I didn't see it at first but I felt it, pressed against my thigh as she lowered her body on top of mine once again.

She waited until I opened my eyes to say, "I love you" and kissed me softer than ever before. I remember getting lost in that kiss until the point where I didn't even know where I was or what was happening until she moved her hips and I felt her pressing against my core.

And suddenly I was just another teenager, I wanted her with a new found passion, I was aching for her and it was obvious that she wanted me just as much. We didn't have to wait any longer but yet, she didn't hurry to do anything.

She wasn't crude, she didn't mock me, she didn't even comment about how turned on I was. It was real, everything was real back then.

"Do you trust me?" she softly asked me.

"Yes" my answer was nothing but a breathing exhale and then I watched her stand up from her bed. She lingered in the edge of the bed, letting me see her because she knew I was scared and the sight did nothing to calm me down. I hadn't seen any and I didn't have anything to compare it but she was big, buff like she had said she was.

I watched her opened the black envelop and roll down a condom on her length before she came back to bed with me.

"I'll be gentle, I promise" but I didn't care anymore, my head was fuzzy and I _needed_ her inside of me, anywhere near me.

_Of course it hurt_, it hurt bad but the pain wasn't as lasting as pleasure was when it overtook me.

I don't know what I was expecting but I know that she gave me a perfect first time. She waited, she stopped when I asked her to and she held me close when we were done.

I had an orgasm, or at least I thought I did. Later encounters made me doubt because each time we did it after that night it just got better.

"You don't know how long I've waited for this" she confessed before kissing my lips again and while I kept wondering why I was holding back sex when it felt amazing.

"How do you feel?" she asked, the room was dark, her voice the only thing interrupting the peaceful silence that overtook after our breathing went back to normal.

"Empty" I pulled back a little; I wanted to look at her face when I asked, "how was I?"

She chuckled; her blushing cheeks made her look so incredibly irresistible. "You were perfect, you feel incredible. I can't wait to do that again with you, I love you."

"I love you, too."

I don't regret it and I never did. We weren't faking anything back then. We were in love.

…**.**


	5. Twelve years ago, 4

Chapter 4

_Twelve Years Ago_

…

It was one particular morning after lunch when I felt disgusted with myself. I wanted to cry, the overwhelming need to scream was very present and I just wanted to push her off of me but instead I opened up my legs a little further away and let her finish.

Unfortunately, she knew how to work me up, how to take me to that special place where all I could see were stars and all I could feel was her.

The table's legs kept scratching the floor as her thrusts became wild. Long gone was the sweet and gentle lover that took my virginity in her bed a couple of months ago. We were _fucking_ in an empty classroom before Glee Club started.

She came seconds after I did and stayed inside as she laid on top of me to regain her breath and as soon as the orgasm came it was gone. I was angry, hurt and mostly I felt like a toy. She was using me.

"Step back" I pushed her and watched as she got rid of the condom as I tried my best to clean and cover up.

"Is something wrong?" she inquired as she pulled up her pants and tucked herself in. I was livid and tears of anger quickly started to spill out.

"I thought you wanted to talk!"

In her defense, she was panicking. "Baby, don't scream. Someone might hear us" she checked the door to see it was locked before coming back to me with the intention of kissing me.

"Stay away" I stopped her advances.

"What's this all about?" she was at a loss and her eyes deceived her.

"You can always jerk off at any given time you want in school, Quinn! But don't ever, ever! Make me do this with you in school grounds again!"

"I didn't force you to do this, Rachel. Don't make it sound like I forced myself on you or anything. My God! I would never make you do something that you don't want to, you know that"

"This is all we do lately. Fuck, shower, fuck, shower. Dinner, fuck. Movie, fuck. I'm sick of it, I'm not a fucking doll, Quinn!"

She was speechless for a moment and then she looked completely devastated. "I didn't know you were feeling like this, why didn't you tell me this sooner?"

"Because!" I didn't know and I couldn't give her a reason.

"I don't want you to feel that way, ever. Rachel, I'm so sorry. Don't cry, baby. I thought you enjoyed it as much as I did, now I feel like a complete inconsiderate bastard"

"No" I finally let her get close enough so she could wrap her arms around me, "you're not but we don't even go out on dates anymore. It kind of depresses me"

"I'll make you a deal" she smiled and her mischievous smirk was too tempting to deny.

"Okay"

"I'll make it up to you if you promise to tell me these kind of things, alright?"

"I'm not trying to make you make up for anything or…"

"Listen, baby. I just don't want you to keep things from me. Let me know when I'm doing something wrong, let me know if I make you feel insecure, let me know if I'm being an idiot. I know I have to be able to tell these things by myself but I can't read your mind so you have to let me know, okay?"

I understood, I knew what she was saying, what she was asking and her words just pulled me closer. She truly cared about me and I had been such an idiot for doubting her. Well, that's what I thought anyway.

"No more sex until you are completely sure that I deserve it, deal?"

She was smiling, willing to commit, to change and be better for me. I didn't even have to think about it when I said, "deal."

I kissed her, combed her hair back with my fingers and straighten up her shirt before we left the room, hand in hand. We didn't really fight anymore, those were our kind of arguments. I'd put something out there, she would say the perfect thing to be said at the moment and I would moon over her.

It was easier; nothing was holding us together, not really. Everyone could have said that our love was the only thing that kept us going and it was, it really was.

Weeks went by after that day and she never pushed for anything, she never even brought up the sex issue and I thought she was great, I thought she was trying. She was patient, she was respectful, she even went home with me for dinner with my parents and just lowered her head whenever my daddy fixed her with a glare.

I was still a little hurt with his actions, he wasn't even trying and dad always had to be intervening between them. He was determined to hate her, to not trust her. I should have known better than to dismiss his truthful advices.

But while daddy hated her with all his being I was more in love with her than ever before.

…

Noah was throwing a party for his birthday; his mom and little sister were out of town visiting his grandmother. Everyone in school knew about the party, everyone wanted to be there but only a few of us were lucky enough to be in attendance.

I told myself that I didn't need to make Quinn wait for longer. I was going back to her house after the party and spend the night with her. It was going to be a perfect end of the night with my perfect girlfriend.

It was after Glee practice when I heard them talking. I had stayed back to use the bathroom and Quinn went ahead with our bags, she said she'll wait for me in her car. It was hours before the party, hours before everything changed for the first time.

"It's not fucking right!" I heard Santana screaming and curiosity won on me and I hid behind a post.

"It's not your fucking business" Quinn hissed in response. They couldn't see me, Quinn's car was close to the gym door and I was standing right beside it.

"Come on, Quinn. It _is_ my business, you're my best friend and I don't want to see you getting heartbroken when this comes to light"

"I'm not going to. I'm the one getting the best out of this if you haven't noticed"

"She's going to be devastated; she's going to leave you. Just stop."

"She's not going anywhere, alright? And you're not going to say anything either, are you?"

Santana's expression was one I've never seen before. She was hurting, angry, confused but she still nodded and said, "you know I won't. I just want you to acknowledge that she doesn't deserve what you're doing. She is a great person and an even greater friend"

"You think I don't know that?"

I was confused, curious and definitely wanted to know more but it was wrong to eavesdrop on them so I kept walking, like I had been a few seconds ago and made my presence known. Quinn was angry, I could tell but she still offered me a small smile and kissed my cheek.

"You riding with us?" I asked Santana but she quickly dismissed me with her hand.

"Not today, tiny. I have to get ready for tonight" she winked at me and walked away without saying anything to Quinn.

My girlfriend glared at her retreading form before we got into her car. I, on the other hand was thinking amused about Santana and her flirty wink. At first I didn't think any of it, she was Quinn's best friend and I wasn't the most beautiful girl around. Santana could never want me and the thought never crossed my mind.

"Are you alright?" I rubbed Quinn's arm as she drove us home. She was obviously upset but she shook her head.

"Yes, Santana can be a bit overwhelming sometimes" she smiled and it was a sweet and honest smile, "but I'm alright. She just… she just has this power to get to me so quickly and it's a little unsettling sometimes, that's all."

She never shared too much about herself, so the fact that she was telling me that made me feel special. She was slowly but securely letting me know her and I appreciated every effort she made.

"Well, she knows you pretty well. You've been best friend all your lives"

"Yes, I love her too much and I take what she says into consideration every time but I don't like being told what to do, especially not when it comes to feelings, y'know?" I didn't, I wasn't following, I didn't know where she was coming from but I still wanted to be there for her.

"Yeah"

"She knows too much about… the past and that, I can't. She's family, y'know?"

She was struggling to speak and I scratched the back of her neck, offering what little support I could but being glad that she was taking it anyway.

I knew she was talking about her father but she was always so careful not to mention him, she never brought him up and hated the thought of him so I didn't push, I didn't ask. I didn't want to make her even more upset than she already was.

"She loves you just as much. She wants the best for you" she looked at me, really looked at me and nodded.

"I want the best for her as well, y'know? She's my sister" she shrugged and giggled, "second sister, cause y'know I already have one"

"I love you" I was still scratching her nape when she leaned in and kissed me.

"I love you square, always will."

I was happy, she was letting me in, she was trusting me and her father's subject could be dropped down for a while. I had faith that she would tell me about him eventually and oh boy, she did.

…

Puck's birthday party was a success from the beginning. When Quinn parked her car two blocks down the music could be heard all the way. We were talking about anything and everything, she was no longer feeling down and the thought of Santana's words were pushed to the back of my brain even though I still wondered.

As soon as we approached our Glee friends the tension was forgotten, Santana was talking amicably with Mike who was showing her a new dance move he learned on YouTube that day. Santana was doing a poor job to mimic him, much to everyone's humor.

I never though much of Santana, I didn't spend my days thinking about her or what she was doing. I didn't even know her that well and she always made an effort to stay on civil manners with me, however she never perused a friendship and neither did I before that night.

Mercedes complemented me on my outfit and smacked Quinn's ass on our way through. My girlfriend just giggled and informed me that Mercedes was already drunk and that she wasn't the only one. Kurt and Blaine were making out in the loveseat to the side, I couldn't see their hands and at that point I didn't want to find out where they were. Tina was laughing uncontrollably as Mike and Santana kept dancing in front of her while Artie made a video of them with his new cell phone.

When Noah came to say hi, Finn and his girlfriend Susan came with him. I remember thinking how adorable Noah looked with his birthday hat on and how wet his kiss on my cheek felt. He was an adorable man child that I felt deeply connected with and not only because we were Jews. I regret never giving him the chance to be a friend like he wanted to be at one point.

Santana finally stopped dancing when Brittany appeared out of nowhere and pushed her down to the couch and sat on her lap. I had to sit on Quinn's lap as well, modestly of course because I wasn't about to give everybody a free show like Santana and Brittany were currently doing.

We had so much fun, our friends were unique in their own ways and my own family away from home after I finally started to hang with them. I admit that being in a relationship with Quinn helped me a great deal in having new friends. She helped me to come out of whatever shell I was living in until she came along, she helped me to become a more confident and forward person. She was also the one that stripped me from all those qualities as well but at the time, I was grateful.

I saw Santana looking at me and Quinn more than once, and the guilty look on her face every time she smiled at Brittany and I wanted to ask her about what I heard so bad that I was waiting for the moment she'd stand up so I could follow her.

"I'm gonna get some!" an excited Noah announced in our faces and quickly kissed Quinn and Santana's cheeks, "take care of my crib, ladies" the grin on his face was contagious and both girls nodded their heads at the same time. He disappeared up the stairs and Quinn kissed my neck suggestively. I granted her more space, I wasn't holding back anymore and I was letting her know.

"Am I reading these signs right?" she asked close to my ear before she sucked my earlobe into her mouth.

"You just might be" I was about to bring our lips together when we heard the smashing and breaking of glass coming from somewhere close the front door.

Santana was on her feet and running immediately, Quinn took her time and pecked my lips one more time, "I think she might need some help" she said looking at Blaine, Mike and Finn and then left to find what the commotion was all about.

Tina took to talk to me and if I could have only understood a word she was saying I might have had an answer for her. Maybe I wasn't paying much attention anyway because I could hear Santana screaming and more glass shattering before everything died down. Blaine and Mike came back to the couch a few minutes later but Santana and Quinn didn't.

People was starting to leave so it wasn't difficult to make my way towards the kitchen where I found Santana sitting on the far island with a bear in her left hand and looking more than pissed.

"Hey" her piercing eyes followed me until I was a feet away. She swallowed, her hands shook and I still couldn't see it.

"Wanna dance?" she jumped from the island and I took her offered hand but I didn't make a move to leave the kitchen. She was looking for an excuse but I didn't know for what.

"Maybe later, I actually wanted to talk to you"

"Oh! Okay, cool. I mean, whatever" she was putting up a front; she wasn't looking at me in the eye. She was hiding something, something big.

I decided to cut down right to the chase, she was obviously uncomfortable and I wanted answers. "This afternoon, you were telling Quinn something in the parking lot. What were you talking about?"

Her eyes met mine then, she was taken aback. "What did you hear?" she cleared her throat as I looked around for Quinn but couldn't see her anywhere.

"Tell me what you were talking about, please"

"I don't have to tell you anything"

"Yes, you do" she frowned and her eyes fell down on our still joined hands. I let go but her hand didn't move from midair and she slowly closed it in a fist.

"Look, whatever you think you heard you should be discussing it with her, not me"

"You said that someone is going to be devastated when she finds out. What did you mean?"

"Rachel, look…"

"Just tell me, please"

"Let it go, please" she attempted to leave me in that kitchen but I didn't let her. When I took her hand I thought I heard her gasping but I wasn't focusing, I just wanted to know what Quinn was hiding.

"Tell me what's going on?" I pleaded. In a moment of trepidation her whole body moved forward and I thought she was going to kiss me but she stopped herself and took a step back leaving me completely shocked and frozen in place.

"Where is she right now?" we both made a show of looking around but Quinn wasn't anywhere to be seen. "Do you see her anywhere?" I didn't like her condescending tone and I knew something bad was about to happen. My heart started to beat so strongly inside my chest that I could barely understand how I was still breathing. "Where do you think she is?"

I didn't know, I couldn't tell and Santana was taking too damn long to tell me where to find my girlfriend and what she knew.

"The guest room in the last door to the left on the second floor, Quinn knows it well. Why don't you see if you can find her there."

Throat suddenly dry, tears willing up and confusion eating me up whole, I went upstairs and to the far end of the hall where the last door to the left was.

The sound coming from inside was unmistakable. Moan after moan vibrated from behind the door and I sat on the floor, on a side of the door with my back resting against the wall and my knees pulled up to my chest.

I couldn't believe it, I didn't want to believe it. Quinn, _my_ Quinn would never do that me. The thought didn't make sense because she loved me and we were supposed to be together _forever_. Her words not mine but I was starting to believe them. She said it so why would she cheat on me?

I was lost, I didn't know what to do, what to say, where to go and whoever was inside that room with my girlfriend had just shouted her name. I was frozen, it was like someone had punched me in the gut and left me on the floor to recollect my breath without a care if I would or not.

Was that how it felt to have a broken heart or was I just dying? I really couldn't see the difference. I wished I had never met her, I wished I hadn't talk to Santana. A part of me wanted to just erase the last five minutes of my life. I didn't want them. I wanted to forget, I wanted to ignore them and go back to being happily ignorant.

Suddenly everything that surrounded me was silence. The bed had stopped squeaking and the moaning was no longer there. They had finished and were probably laughing at me in that moment; I would never really know what happened in those minutes I sat alone in the empty hallway of Noah's house.

Maybe Quinn got up, got dressed and didn't even look at her lover again but maybe she did. Maybe she held her like she held me and kissed her forehead while whispering how much she loved her, like she did with me. Maybe she made promises of forever with that person as well.

All those questions were answered in a second though, when Elizabeth came out of the room. She was there before me, she loved Quinn and was loved by her before me, they had history and they obviously weren't over like I thought they were.

She saw me; panic ran through her eyes as she closed the door and looked at me. I stood up from the floor, tear stained cheeks and trembling lips. She at least had the decency to look heartbroken herself.

"I'm not a slut" she beat me to speak first. I didn't think she was but she felt the need to clarify it for me. "Or innocent. When you tell your friends about this, or your parents; anyone really, just remember that I'm not a slut and that I never was. I just never stopped sleeping with her but you must be aware that I know my reasons well, but I can't speak for her."

And she was gone. As fast as the wind comes she went and I was left standing in the middle of an empty hallway, without any idea of what to do. I was seventeen, a child in many ways still.

Now I guess I can understand her reasons, in fact I do but that doesn't take away the sting of betrayal. She still intervened in our relationship, still was the reason why everything changed.

When the door's handle turned I knew what I was going to do and it was killing me but all those feeling were quickly overpowered by anger and I became blinded by it.

Her eyes almost popped out of her skull when she saw me. Her hair was a mess but she had washed her face and neck, she had tried to trick me and I didn't know how many times she had succeeded before and the thought only made me feel worse.

"Elizabeth?" she shook her head so quickly that her hair flew around with it. She was going to deny it and I knew it.

"What?" she chocked and cleared her throat. "Liz, what?"

"I just saw her walking out of this room, don't bother to deny it" I closed the door and walked inside. The sheets were ruffled, obviously Quinn had stayed behind to do the bed and she had done a poor job with it. I knew how bad she disliked to do beds, every time I came to her house I had to redo her sheets, out of habit more than anything. How stupid felt everything right there!

I sat down on the edge of the mattress. It was a comfortable bed, I noticed with my heart on my throat.

"Baby, it's not what you think" she took a tentative step towards me.

"Care to enlighten me then?" she took my words so literal that I had to raise my hand to stop her ranting from coming, "I'm interested in what you have to say, I really am but I really don't care about your sex-capes with your ex-girlfriend at the moment"

"We weren't" she was quick to spit out but I didn't even try. I was defeated, I felt stupid, humiliated and so ashamed. What did Elizabeth have that I didn't? What did she do in bed that I wasn't able to do? I was inexperienced, Quinn was my first but I never thought that I was bad. Maybe I was a frigid little girl and she didn't tell me out of fear of hurting my feelings, maybe she just didn't care.

"Were you talking then? Were you making fun of me or you just focused on making the most out of your time together? Does she give you your valued blow jobs you always want?"

There were things that I wasn't keen on doing and I had made a fantastic job at making my point clear, too clear it seemed that she needed someone else to do it for me.

"No, Rachel. Please let me explain"

"You were maybe telling her how your frigid girlfriend was cutting you off, right?"

She cried, tears poured from her eyes making them look even lighter. "I am so sorry" she said from three feet away from me on the floor. She was kneeling down, sobbing and I still felt the need to hug her beating beneath the layers of anger that surrounded me that night.

"She means nothing, not now"

"Did she ever?"

"Once, long ago but not now, not when I have you"

"Had"

"What?"

"You had me, Quinn. You no longer do, thus making it past tense."

She jumped to her feet, suddenly frantic. She came to me and I pushed her back but that didn't stop her from keep coming towards me. We ended up having a fight in the middle of the room. We struggled until the palm of my hand finally connected with her cheek. The sound was enough to make us both stop.

"Don't you ever touch me again, Quinn. Ever."

I could no longer hold back the tears and I cried my way down the stairs as Quinn called my name and begged me to stop. I crushed against someone and when I looked up and saw Noah I told him everything because I just needed to get it out.

I didn't see them, I didn't see everyone standing beside us while I spoke, I didn't see everyone turning their backs on Quinn and offering me a shoulder to cry on but I did see how Finn and Mike threw her out. I heard her screaming my name, telling them that they couldn't keep me away from her, that I was her girlfriend.

It broke my heart to watch as they forced her out of the house but I didn't do anything to stop them even though I wanted to.

I was hurt and deeply wounded but I couldn't stop loving her and I didn't.

I did have the will power however to stay away from her and with new found friends like Santana and Brittany, it was easier to pass each day. My daddy was delighted of course, not because she had cheated on me but because he didn't have to see her anymore. He isn't as selfish as he might sounds to be. He was just relieved that Quinn was no longer in my life. It was as if I had taken a terrible burden off of his shoulders.

Every morning I found a new letter taped on my locker door with a single lily, a new bouquet of roses when I got home and serenades in every Glee Club meeting. It was the most difficult thing to do to ignore her and keep myself away from reading her letters.

It was exhausting, mentally and physically. Every night she knocked on the front door of my house and I had to cry quietly as I heard my daddy throwing her away from our property.

But I missed her too much; I needed her voice and laughter in my life more than I was leading on. I had become so accustomed to have her around that her absence was immensely felt. I needed her well thought advices and calmed attitude to ground me. I needed her arms to hold me through a particularly cold afternoon and soft kisses when I woke up from a nap. I needed her more than I had ever needed anything before and I was tired to pretend that I didn't want her anymore.

_Once a cheater, always a cheater_. My daddy couldn't stop repeating that line whenever he found dad and me talking about her. It was clear that he thought she wasn't good enough for me and he didn't want her close.

I didn't need him to remind me though. Every day in school I had to see Elizabeth and remember her words, her regret. Regret that she still carried with her whenever she saw me in the halls.

In all teenage fashion I felt like my life was ending, I wasn't worth of anything. My first girlfriend had cheated on me after I literally gave her everything that I could have treasured until that moment. I had given myself to her completely, in body and soul and she still hadn't appreciated me. The knowledge that she didn't care broke my heart every time I allowed myself to think about it and it was too often.

It was a sunny afternoon when I was in the library; committed to History homework and trying to remember dates that I didn't care about, "Rae?" that Santana came for me.

She wasn't the cold and manipulative person anymore, at least not for me to notice. My concept of her had changed drastically since Noah's birthday party and it just kept getting higher the better I knew her.

"Hey, sorry. Are they closing already?" I started to pick up my books and when I was done she easily took them from my hands and offered me her free arm to take.

"You know they are"

"What time is it?" I was lost and she was worried but she didn't need to say it out loud to make it known. I had stayed in the library like that too many times to keep count on but I wasn't in the right state of mind to care about anyone else' opinion.

"It's time to go home, Rae. I can give you a ride home"

"You don't have to"

"I want to."

She always talked to me softly, I thought she believed that I would start crying and kicking like a little kid if she even attempted to raise her voice. I thought she was just being cautious and that I was the first friend that had been heartbroken and needed her support.

She was oddly sweet and caring but I didn't appreciate it the way I was supposed to or the way she wanted me to.

I saw her when we stepped out of the front door of school. Quinn looked devastated. She had bags under her eyes; it looked like she didn't care about anything anymore and in all honestly I thought I was looking at a mirror. She was wearing jeans and a jersey and I knew how much she hated to leave her house with a jersey on.

"Rachel" she breathed out my name like I was the answer to her prayers. My stomach felt hallow and the tears were about to fall.

"What are you doing, Quinn?" Santana's question wasn't even acknowledged by her or me.

"Rachel, please. I can't go another day without speaking to you, please. Please, just hear me out, please" her voice was cracking, talking was hurting her and I could tell because I had the same knot in my throat since that night and it wasn't pleasant.

I squeezed Santana's arm and thankfully she took the hint of kept walking but Quinn wasn't leaving and she was slowly breaking me.

"Stop walking, Santana. Please, just two minutes. Hear me out, please"

"She doesn't want to talk to you, Quinn. Have some damn pride."

I thought how heartless Santana was being but her best friend was begging and the sane part of my brain that was still functioning correctly told me that Santana just didn't want to see Quinn humiliated, not in the open parking lot of our school.

I got inside Santana's car but Quinn knelt by my window and started crying and knocking on the glass as if the movement her wrist was making hurt her deeply. She just didn't care about consequences anymore and I wanted to reach out and help her, help myself in the process but I looked away.

Santana picked her up from the floor and dragged her a few feet away from the car, enough so I wouldn't hear what was being said. They talked and I saw Quinn begging Santana for something. When they turned around Quinn walked behind Santana and stood by her side as she got into the car.

"No matter what" she said and for the first time in over a month I looked into her eyes and kept that connection, "I love you and I never lied about it. I am so sorry for the pain that I've caused you and I hate myself for ever making you cry. Please, don't ever forget that I love you, I love you"

"That's enough, Q."

Santana had to push her aside to be able to close the door and then took us away from school. We didn't speak; the sounds of my sobs too loud to even make an attempt at it.

It was harder on her than it was on me, that much I was sure about. Santana and Brittany were the only ones talking to her in Glee Club, the rest turned their backs on her, taking my side on things as if it was a friendship competition, making it their business as well.

"She's never going to stop trying, you know?" Santana casually said as she parked outside of my house.

"Did she ask you to put on a good word for her?"

"No, but I'm going to anyway"

"What did she ask you for then?"

"To not leave you alone, to be there for you. To support you" there was obvious pain in her eyes and I saw it but I didn't think any of it.

"What else did she say?" I wanted to know instead.

"She loves you. In her messed up world, she truly loves you. I've never seen her like this over a breakup, you're not just another girl and you know it."

She took my hand and stare at it for a few seconds before tentatively interlace our fingers together, as if she was experimenting with the feeling. Her hand felt strange, her fingers weren't the fingers that I wanted to have in my hold but it still felt good, reassuring and I still didn't think any of it. She was a friend showing me support, nothing more.

"I'm not saying you should forgive her or anything like that but consider hearing her out, just that. Just consider giving her a chance to tell you her side of things"

I took my hand away, breaking our connection and her eyes finally snapped up to look at me, "there is no side of things, she cheated on me and I caught her"

"And she was so stupid for doing that to you" she swallowed, she wanted to say more but she swallowed her words, "I have to go" she said instead.

"Thank you for the ride Santana"

"Anytime" she smiled a watery smile before leaving and in a moment of true clarity I finally accepted that she liked me and probably had feelings for me, although I didn't want to know what it meant at the time. I couldn't deal with Santana and Quinn at the same time.

….


	6. Twelve years ago, 5

Chapter 5

_Twelve Years Ago_

…

It wasn't fair and the guilt was eating me alive. Santana became more than a best friend, she was like the sister I never had and that's as far as my feelings for her went. I didn't want to hurt her any more than I already was. I didn't want to give her any false hope but that was exactly what I was doing by trusting in her.

It had been two months since I broke up with Quinn and I couldn't take it anymore. Graduation was approaching fast and she was growing desperate. We couldn't let go and it was telling.

I knew that the minute I talked to her I would forgive her because I didn't have any other choice, I was still in love with her and she made a mistake but we all saw her pay for it. She was devastated and as heartbroken as I was, if not more.

It didn't take the sting away, of course it didn't. I never wanted to see her hurt or to see all of our friends treat her poorly.

Brittany and I had travelled to New York for our auditions at Julliard, Santana went with us and I watched her send texts the entire day. I didn't have to ask who she was texting because it was obvious. Quinn and I had talked about my audition for months, she helped me choosing the right song to dance that showed off my best aptitudes and was present through endless practice days at my house.

Coach Sylvester also made the trip with us and she was very civil about everything, not once making a comment about how we could have failed.

Quinn got into Columbia and so did Santana but I only congratulated one of them.

Everything seemed bigger, more important. We were taking life-changing decisions, choosing a path for the beginning of the rest of our lives. High school love drama seemed so trivial, it just told the history of whom we were as kids and we were growing up, we were stepping into adulthood.

Santana and Brittany were together, which is why I felt like I needed to give them their space because Santana's gravitational clock seemed to point only at me whenever we were in the same room and Brittany wasn't as clueless as everyone believed.

It was exhausting to avoid Quinn in school and then try to avoid Santana without actually doing it at the same time.

By then I still hadn't read the letters Quinn kept sending, I still stood back and watched my daddy sending her home when she knocked on our front door. I received the lilies though, I loved the lilies and I knew where she got them from so I knew how special they were.

It was nice, I admit it felt nice to have someone to fight that hard for me. To have someone not giving up on me and little by little she was sneaking her way in and I was starting to stop fighting against the inevitable. I was tired and Santana kept looking at me like she wanted to pour her heart out and I wasn't ready to have that, not then and not ever.

I was still hurt but I wasn't angry anymore. I tried to get back to my normal routine but it was proving impossible to do anything without seeing Quinn doing the same thing with me. It was so hard to try and let her go. I had let her in so deeply into my life that the most mundane things brought tears to my eyes because she wasn't there.

It was Prom day and the excitement was almost electrifying around school. Everyone wanted to go, to be a part of it while I just wanted to go home and sleep curled with my favorite pillow.

Santana had offered to take me, well it wasn't actually as cold as it sounds. Her proposition was close to perfect actually but I couldn't go with her when I had an idea of what she felt for me.

Quinn had tried to invite me as well. She kept sending me texts, telling me how it didn't have to mean anything, that it could just be prom and nothing more but nothing could meant anything with her and prom was a night that we would both remember for the rest of our lives.

"What you eating there?" Santana sat beside me at the lunch table. Brittany wasn't with her and I noticed that the cafeteria was almost empty. I had spaced out, again.

"Vegan pasta, have some" without thinking because how could I, really; I gave her some to try with my fork and the grin on her face was a little too big to ignore but I had already done it, I couldn't take it back.

"It's actually… not terrible" she laughed while chewing. She was refreshing, easy and nothing but a bolt of light to have around.

"Well, thank you"

"You cooked this?"

"No need to sound so surprised, Santana"

"I'm not, it's really good. Maybe you could teach me how to cook that"

The insinuation wasn't lost. I couldn't give her what she wanted but I refused to hurt her by denying her my company. It was selfish because I wanted her by my side just as much and because I knew that giving her space was the smart thing to do. "Of course, one of these days"

"So, have you thought about what I told you?" she grew incredibly nervous. She was picking at the hem of her cheerio's shirt, rocking back and forth on her seat and biting her lip.

"What exactly would that be?"

"Prom, will you go to prom with me?"

My heart sank in my chest at hearing the tentative question. I knew that I wasn't the one supposed to be hearing such a heartfelt invitation.

"I wouldn't want to intrude in your date with Brittany" her face fell; guilt took over her features so fast that if I had blinked I would have probably missed it. It was like she had forgotten that she had a girlfriend.

"You wouldn't be" she suddenly smiled and I remember thinking how adorable she looked in that moment. She was trying so hard and I was having an even harder time trying to separate my mixed feelings for her. "You see, I have a plan" she smartly announced.

"I'm all ears" she grinned at my disposition and I loved the toothy grin she showed me before she went on to explain. "Although I have a bad feeling about this"

"It's brilliant, you see. What if you go with me, as friends of course" her face fell for a mini second but she continued, "and Quinn takes Brittany. No, don't interrupt just yet, because you see as a friend I wouldn't want you to miss on something as important as Prom and the same goes for Quinn. You know she's kind of my best friend as well"

"And we end up ruining prom for you and your girlfriend in the process" I felt like a charity work and that wasn't what prom was supposed to feel like.

"No, you wouldn't"

"I don't want to intrude on your date tonight, as for Quinn she can invite anyone in school to go with her. She can take Elizabeth for all I care" I wasn't angry –or at least I think I wasn't- but in that moment I realized that I didn't know anything about what was going on with Elizabeth but I didn't want to anyway.

She was looking at me quietly, she looked defeated, like she had just taken her last shot and still didn't make it. She whispered, "I want to go with you. Forget about Britt or Quinn only for tonight and go to prom with me"

"Okay" I didn't think, I just spoke and once she smiled that toothy grin again I couldn't take it back. I was going to prom with Santana.

For some unknown reason I took my time with getting ready and now I can admit that I was actually excited and a little nervous to be going with Santana.

I heard the car outside before my dad came running to my door to inform me that there was a pretty lady outside of our house trying to make up her mind and ring the bell.

It wasn't a common occurrence to be in the presence of a nervous Santana but lately I had been seeing that side a lot and it got to a whole new level on prom night.

I stood behind the curtain with my dad. He was squealing, of course; as she checked her purse for the hundred time in less than five minutes but all I could think of was how nerve wracking it must have been for her, although I couldn't quite understand it back then.

I didn't know how or why she was interested in me. She had Brittany, who was the living concept of beauty and grace, and I was just the geeky friend they were supposed to be helping out but there she was, looking like she might pass out because of how nervous she seemed to be taking me to prom.

I watched her pick up her phone and she was careful enough to walk all the way towards the limousine to speak and when she made her way back she was mumbling something under her breath before she stood in front of the door and took a deep breath.

My dad ran up the stairs when the doorbell finally rang with the promise of bringing down the camera and I answered the door.

I was wearing a strapless white dress, my hair down because I wanted to cover as much of my chest as I could without ruining the look and light make-up to complement it. Santana's expression made me blush for the first time in months. She ran out of words when I opened the door and then she smiled a proud smile that made me feel confident and she leaned in to hug me.

I was a sucker for hugs, still am actually so her impulsiveness was welcomed and her hug returned.

"You look wonderful" she said as soon as she pulled back, "wow, it's… you… you are so beautiful" she breathed out, like she couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth either.

"You look stunning as well, Santana" I pulled at her hand lightly and got her inside the house where my daddy was already coming down the stairs behind my very excited dad.

She was so chivalrous; she shook my dads hands, complement our house and even made a joke with daddy that he found funny and I couldn't help to feel like I was being betrayed by him. He never smiled when Quinn was around and he most definitely never found anything that she had to say funny.

Santana was quickly introduced to family stories and memories from pictures hanging in the hallway. Daddy was happy, he accepted her immediately. He just needed five minutes with her to like her and Quinn was around for seven months and he still never even tolerated her.

"I want a picture in the stairs" my dad practically yelled and ushered us to pose for him.

"Are you okay? You haven't said a word since I got here" she whispered low enough that my dads couldn't hear her.

"I am, thank you for tonight" and I was grateful, I really was but my feelings towards Quinn weren't going anywhere and I couldn't not feel betrayed on her behalf even when she wasn't there.

It wasn't Santana the one who was supposed to pose with me for Prom pictures, she wasn't supposed to be holding me and her hand wasn't supposed to be squeezing my waist. She wasn't supposed to be the one taking me to Prom and I loved her to pieces but her face wasn't the face that was supposed to be in those pictures.

I felt incredibly guilty for thinking that way but I couldn't shake it away.

I knew the limousine had been Quinn's idea even before Santana told me. We picked most of the Glee guys on our way to school. It was a fun ride, a drama free moment before we all got down to see Quinn and Brittany arrive in her Audi.

She looked every bit of gorgeous as she was supposed to look that night. She wore a maroon suit that made her look powerful and feminine at the same time, her hair was picked up in a bun and her make-up was dark. She looked extremely sensual and if it hadn't been by the look on her face, she would have even looked confident.

She tried to call my name but I was pushed forward, I don't remember by whom.

Everyone was still mad at her but Brittany was pulling her hand towards our table and no one stopped her from sitting down. Everyone ignored her while she stared at me, even me.

She was begging me to look at her, to give her a chance, to talk to her and I didn't know if I could do that. I didn't know if I was ready to take her back. I knew she had been trying, she had been trying so hard but somehow it wasn't enough. Santana kept me well informed about Quinn's life even though I always made an effort to not ask a thing about her.

"I love this song!" Brittany declared at some point and practically dragged Quinn towards the dancing floor. It was obvious that the last thing on Quinn's mind was dancing but she complied and amused the blonde.

"Didn't you get the memo?" Santana smiled as she handed me a drink.

"What?"

"You are supposed to have fun tonight, not mop around while you stare at your ex"

"I wasn't staring" I sipped the drink too fast which threw me into a coughing fit that Mercedes and Tina found hilarious.

"But you were mopping" I couldn't argue with that and I didn't. "Come on, dance with me."

And again, I knew that she wasn't supposed to be the one asking me to dance and her hands –although nice- felt weird as they locked with mine.

We dance for a couple of songs and I was starting to have fun when I saw Brittany getting closer to us. She didn't even give us a chance to let go of our hands before her lips were kissing a stunned Santana. I refused to look up and catch Quinn's eyes although I could feel her looking at me now that we were so close.

I barely felt Santana's hand slipping away from mine before I realized that she was gone and Quinn and I were left standing alone. I don't think it was Santana's idea but somehow I never believed it was Quinn's either.

She was careful and took my hand as if she were afraid that I'd vanish in her hold and I let her because her hand was the one that I was supposed to hold that night, her hand didn't feel weird, it felt perfect and it fitted. We fitted together.

"Please" she begged and gave me a gentle squeeze. I could feel my heart beating so strong in my chest. I was out of breath and she was only holding my hand, begging me to not let go. "Please, dance with me."

I let go then, stepped back on instinct and finally looked up into her eyes, "I can't"

"I promise I won't talk, just dance with me. Just this song, please."

It had been two months since we last touched each other, two months since we were that close and as we danced that song it felt like those two months hadn't happened at all. She was home for me and I let her hold me, I lost myself in her arms and the smell of her perfume. I held her and she held me back, and we danced.

It didn't last long –nothing good ever does- as Noah walked pass us and pulled us towards the little altar on the far corner designated for Prom Pictures. He was closer to Quinn than he was to me, and even though he had taken a neutral stance between us, I knew that deep down he just wanted Quinn to be happy again.

Quinn kept her promise of not talking until it was obvious that we were going to have to take the picture together because everyone else had their own dates.

She hadn't let go of my hand and I didn't even notice because it came natural, holding her hand was like breathing because she was supposed to be with me just like I was supposed to be with her and I was just understanding that.

"I want this memory with you" she softly said, "do you want this memory with me?"

The vulnerability was palpable and it didn't look good on her. She was a power person, someone who was supposed to be respected, listened and followed; and I was turning her into an insecure little girl and I didn't like it. _I _didn't like it.

I didn't answer verbally, I just nodded my head and she grinned so wide I thought she was going to start laughing out of so much joy she seemed to be feeling. She placed her hands on my hips and gave a gentle squeeze instead.

We stood under the altar and she, with her hand still on my hip pulled me closer to her side. She looked wonderful and I was glad that I had put on a minor effort on looking good that night because she looked proud as I placed my hand on her upper abs and smiled for the camera.

Brittany was smiling, happy but Santana offered a tight smile, small enough that only I saw it. Quinn was radiant and she was smiling, it was a picture that I hadn't seen in months but I still wasn't completely convinced and I tried to pull away when the picture was taken.

"Please, just one more song" she looked so hopeful that I didn't want to be the one that killed that shining in her eyes.

"No talking?"

"No talking."

I should have known that she wasn't going to waste a second opportunity to say something like that and she didn't.

"You look so beautiful tonight" I pulled my hands back from hers but didn't step back at once.

"You said no talking" I knew that as soon as I opened that door I wasn't going to be able to close it and I wasn't sure if I wanted it close or not anymore.

"I'm just giving you an honest compliment"

"I don't want it from you" I looked around, desperately trying to find someone to take me away from her. I was panicking.

"If you could only give me a chance to try"

"I don't want to"

"But you have to, please. For us, you can't just throw away all that we had, still have. You can't deny that"

"I wasn't the one who that threw away anything!"

"But please, please. Let me make it up, please"

"I don't know if you can. How do you even think of making this better?"

"I love you" there was so much conviction is her voice, like she believed that that was everything we needed to get back on track. "I love you and that's all I know. We can do anything, we can be anyone, we can have it all, together"

"Quinn"

"Please, Rachel. Baby, I wasn't thinking. I let my body took my decisions and I wasn't thinking. I love you, please."

She was cupping my face with both of her hands by that point and I was induced in her voice, in her tears and I let her kiss me for one second before I pushed her back.

I couldn't forgive her that easily, I couldn't forget what she did and 'I wasn't thinking' wasn't an apology. I didn't want to love her but there I was crying because I never stopped and I didn't think that I ever could.

"Don't touch me, Quinn" I wanted to get away, I didn't want her near me because I was falling, I had tripped and I was falling; and her lips were to blame.

"Rachel, please" she held my arm the moment I turned around and pulled me back. It was enough to wake me up of my stupor and fight against her until I was able to get away.

I was running, crying and desperately wanting to forgive her but not knowing how exactly to do that. She was following me, I heard her calling me and then I heard her screaming, she was fighting but I didn't turn around to see with whom.

I ran to the bathroom and locked myself inside a stall. I was sobbing, my chest was heaving and I felt like someone was pocking me with a thousand knives everywhere. I knew I shouldn't have dance with her but I had wanted to, I let my feelings take the best of me and now I was left more confused than ever.

I didn't have the strength to stay away from her for much longer.

"You need to calm down" I heard Santana's voice as the door to the bathroom was thrown open.

"I can't, I need to find her. Santana, I need her to forgive me" Quinn was crying, sobbing and I was hidden not even ten feet away from her.

"What you need is to calm down, you're both very upset right now"

"Did she like the limo?" Quinn asked as a new sob ripped through her, her voice was rough and raw from crying.

"I'm sure she did" Santana wasn't doing any better and at that moment, while I pulled up my feet from the ground I didn't know who I wanted to make feel better. They both were hurting and it was because of me.

"Did you take a picture in her house?"

"Yes, we did. Leroy took it and he told me to get her home by midnight"

"Leroy? He told you to call him Leroy?" I was right because I heard how betrayed Quinn felt at that moment.

"He did" Santana sounded apologetic. I had told her about my daddy and Quinn's relationship before.

"She hates me, doesn't she?"

"She doesn't. She's hurt and she has every reason to be"

"Please, Santana. I know I messed up, I know I deserve hell for it but I love her. I can't… I don't… I need her and I need you to understand that, please. Just, please"

"Give her a little time, try to understand her as well"

"I have, she's all I think about. That's why I've given her space, I've stayed on the edge, watching from afar but it's becoming impossible to stay away. Please, help me out. I'm about to lose my mind, I don't know what else to do, what to say. I'll give her anything, everything. I'll do anything she asks me to do, I promise. Santana, please. You know more than anything that I need her, you know I need her and I love her. I love her to death, please!"

"I'm not the one you need to convince here, Quinn" they were quiet for a moment, the faucet came alive and I pictured Quinn washing her face while Santana waited by her side. "Take Brittany back to my place, she was supposed to spend the night. I'll drive Rachel home, alright?"

"I'll drive her"

"Quinn, you can't. Just take Britt home and I'll be there in few."

I didn't hear any response, so I waited until the door clicked closed to get out and find Santana by the limo. Just when I was in the limo in the ride home I realized that Santana never promised Quinn anything.

I didn't know what to do, how to feel or react. My dads weren't home when we got there, they were travelling to New York for a circle of conferences and their flight was at midnight.

Santana looked conflicted, didn't know what to say, she didn't even look at me on the entire ride there and a part of me was thankful for that because I didn't know if I should have mentioned what I heard in the bathroom or not.

I was confused, a complete and utter mess. I didn't even know what to think anymore.

I did what I had never done until that night. I went straight to my dads' liquor cabinet and pulled out a bottle at random. I didn't even know what it was.

I remember watching Santana sit on the couch while I walked around gathering glasses and water. She wasn't supposed to be there and that was all I could think about. She didn't stop me when I poured the liquor in the glasses or when I took it all in one drink.

I chocked, of course I did but that didn't stop me from pouring myself a second. Ignoring the burning sensation and the sudden feeling that my stomach was on fire, I swallowed the second glass and sat down beside her.

"You're not going anywhere tonight" I told her with every selfish cell in my body.

"Aren't I?"

"Please, just stay" I asked her.

"Give me a reason why I should. I have plans with Britt tonight" she picked at a little thread on the couch arm and didn't look at me.

The worst part was that I knew what she was asking, I knew the meaning behind her words because I had seen the way she looked at me, I had noticed before but I wasn't brave enough.

"Because I need you"

"Of course you do."

We changed into shorts and shirts. My clothes were small for her but she still managed to look as stunning as always.

"We should drink something less brutal than tequila, don't you think?" by that moment I didn't even know my dads owned tequila.

We decided on vodka.

"Who are you texting?" we weren't talking, I didn't really wanted to but her fingers were constantly typing.

"Brittany says it'll be a difficult night for her"

I knew what she meant but I still asked, "how come?"

"Quinn has just opened my father's liquor cabinet. Just like you did a couple of minutes ago."

I never wanted to have Santana in my house like that or for Brittany to be stuck with my ex-girlfriend because we couldn't work out our own problems alone. There was no need to involve them in any way but still, there they were, separated because of us.

"Why are you doing this?" she suddenly asked me and at first I honestly didn't know what she meant.

"I'm not following"

"Why do you keep denying yourself that you want to be with her?"

"I'm not denying it"

"You're delaying it"

"That's more accurate, yeah" the drinks were still being served, my eyelids were getting heavier by the minute and her questions never stopped coming.

"You still love her, don't you?"

"Love doesn't go away overnight"

"It's been two months"

"And it feels like yesterday I was kissing her for the first time."

It was funny, the way alcohol made me even more talkative than sober. In my defense, I didn't want to tell her anything at all but she kept asking all these questions and I kept drinking that tricky vodka that made me vomit answers that Santana wasn't meant to hear.

"You know where this is going to end, right?"

"I do"

"Then why wait?"

"I don't trust her yet"

"But you love her, shouldn't you just forgive her and go back to what you had"

"It's not that simple"

"Simplify it for me, would you?"

"I die every day, Santana. I'm tired of not looking at her. I miss her, and not just her kisses or the way her arms feel when she's holding me. I miss her voice, her mind, her wit. I miss her every day and it kills me to not be able to have her like I always wanted. Like I did."

She swallowed, we both heard it, we both knew what it meant. We both knew she was hurting but she was such a masochist and I was such a giver that night.

"Forgive her, then"

"Not yet"

"But you will. So I ask you again, what's the point in waiting?"

"Things could always change"

"But feelings can't"

"People do, I'm waiting to see if I can change"

"She won't give up"

"We don't know that"

"She loves you. You're the best thing that has happened to her. She's won't give up"

"She'll do it again" she snorted, giggled and stared at me with the hope that I would look around and stare back. I didn't.

"She can't be that stupid. If she ever gets you back, there is no way that she'll be as stupid as to mess things up again. She can't."

"I gave her everything and she still did"

"We all knew she was an ass even before you came along"

"I trusted her"

"I know you did but she's willing to do anything, everything. Whatever you ask of her"

"I just want _her_."

There were no more questions for the following minutes but only staring. Thinking back there are a lot of things that I could have done differently that night. I could have gone home alone for starters, I could have made my presence known in the bathroom, I could have kissed Quinn back while we danced. I could have forgiven her that night and avoid us all a lifetime of resentments but I didn't.

I was drunk, well I could still see straight, think clearly and speak almost as good as when I was completely sober but the room was spinning and everything started to seem funny. I was talking way more than usual as well, so yeah, I was drunk but not wasted.

It was dangerous, I knew it was but danger meant adrenaline so when I finally caught her staring at me I stared right back. She didn't flinch, she didn't even blink, she just looked at me for a while. What I would have given to know what was going through her head in that moment.

"You look so serious"

She shrugged, sipped her drink again and smiled lightly, "I have my moments" she casually said.

"You looked stunning in your dress tonight"

"I thought you were never going to mention it but thank you" she smiled as her cheeks turned a shade darker. She was blushing.

"You always look stunning actually"

"I know" I rolled my eyes at her smug smirk and threw a cushion to her head.

"Hey, San?"

"Yeah?" the air was ticker, tense. We had talked about so many things and suddenly we were almost too comfortable in the silence that the sound of my voice was actually a shot of electricity and one of us was about to get burn.

"I have a question" and I did, I'm positive that I had something that I wanted to say to her but I was distracted, the world was spinning and she looked too vulnerable. Everything was a blur.

"I have a few" she said back.

"I was going to ask something"

She turned to face me, our knees touched in the middle of the large couch and she was looking straight into my eyes when she said, "you can ask me anything you want, tiny. Anything at all"

"I like that nickname" I smiled stupidly and suddenly Santana was the best thing in my life. It was the alcohol but at same time it wasn't, "I like how it rolls out of your mouth without any malice, I like it because I think you say it because you find me adorable"

"Do you now?" she laughed, her shoulders shook and she placed the glass on the coffee table before coming back to me and give me her undying attention.

"You're cute and the nickname is lovely" my tongue was getting heavier and my words started to mumble together, "I had a question for you but I don't remember what it was. Do you remember?"

She wasn't drunk but she looked so lost, so enamored that I would have been blind to not see it. She looked at me the same way Quinn did when we were laying together and talking.

"No, I don't" she spoke the words softly, almost as if she was making the biggest effort to speak. She looked pained and her fists were preventing her from reaching out. She was trying so hard but I could see it and I still didn't acknowledge it.

"I like your smile. You don't smile very often and it's cute, a little dorky but sweet. You should smile more" word vomit, I was vomiting all over her.

"Would you like that?"

"Yes, I would love to see you smiling every day. More and more, every day"

"I like your smile too"

"I know you do"

She didn't look surprised at all. "Do you now?"

"What are you thinking?"

"About you"

"What about me?"

"I like you, Rachel"

"I like you, too"

She lowered her gaze, took a deep breath and shook her head. I was beginning to feel sleepy but way too into our conversation to just let it slide.

"As a friend" she finally said and cleared her throat.

"Best friend" I declared with a laugh.

Chuckling, she wiped at a single tear and nodded, "yeah, best friend."

I knew what I was doing, I knew how she felt even before that night but I couldn't give her what she wanted and I was selfishly accepting the attention because it made me feel better.

She didn't speak for a few minutes and I served myself another drink. She watched me swallow the burning liquid and smiled when I coughed right after.

"I need to tell you something" she declared and sat closer.

"A secret? I love secrets!"

She huffed but still smiled, "you need to lay down first because I feel like you're about to drop dead or something"

"Don't be dramatic, Santana"

"You're rubbing off on me. This is your first time drinking, well second. I'm surprised you almost lasted the whole bottle though"

"I just lost my drinking virginity with you"

She laughed and helped me lay down, "how inconsiderate of me for not asking how you feeling"

"Yes, where are your manners?"

"Well?"

"The world is spinning, my arms and legs are numbed and you look attractive. What's the verdict?"

I watched the knife go inside her chest, metaphorically of course but I seriously could almost see it as it ripping through her before she spoke, "you're drunk alright"

"Spill."

She sat on the carpet floor, close to my face while I was lying with my head cushioned in a pillow she had been holding moments before. I still remember the smell of her perfume in it.

"You won't remember this in the morning"

"Of course I will!"

"No, you won't and that's the worst part of all this, that you won't remember"

"Tell me anyway"

She was conflicted, gathering courage or wishing that the earth would just magically open and swallow her whole. I didn't know, but then she scooted me against the back of the couch and laid beside me. I was nervous, terrified of having her so close to me but I didn't push her away.

She wasn't breathing, she was pale and when she took my hand and placed her on her cheek I was starting to feel like I was going to be sick. It was wrong, it was everything I was supposed to avoid with her and there I was offering it with the stupid excuse that I was drunk.

"I love you" she whispered the words so slowly and quietly that even though I was freaking out and knew that I had to get away, I didn't. I played the drunken part and there is nothing that I regret the most.

"That's so sweet" I caressed her cheek and she shuddered as tears pooled in her eyes.

"I love you. I'm in love with you and you are not going to remember this in the morning"

"Of course I will"

She laughed and leaned on my hand before kissing my palm and took a deep breath, "you won't and I've just realized that I can tell you everything"

"What is everything?"

"You are everything to me, you mean everything and I can't… it just hurts too much to pretend all the damn time"

"You don't have to"

"Of course I do, you don't love me and Quinn is… she's _Quinn_. She's family, she's… she's like a sister to me"

"Of course I love you and Quinn" I said right back, not comprehending how deep her connection with Quinn was at the moment. They were so special, two girls that bonded over something so unique since they were little girls. Santana wasn't the only one who thought of Quinn as family, Quinn did too and her mother and sister though of the brunette as an extension to their family as well.

"As a friend, not as a girlfriend, as a lover. You won't ever see me like that, ever"

"Ever is such a big word" I was getting sleepy, sleepier than before but I didn't want to close my eyes and give in to the tempting rest. I wanted to know everything.

She was quiet for a moment; her finger carefully removed the hair from my cheek and tucked it behind my ear. She was smiling a sad and very small smile but it was there, shy to the eye.

She was so beautiful, exotic and very sensual. I hadn't met a single person in high school who didn't want to date her. Boys wanted to be her because of how lucky she got regularly before Brittany came around; girls threw themselves at her with more freedom than they did with Quinn because there was no fear of rejection with Santana, no name calling after.

She and Quinn were of those persons that could literally pick whoever they wanted from a crowd and be happy, and I was awkward at best, too talkative for my own good, my fashion sense was atrocious and my nose too big for my face and both of them noticed me from that crowd and I couldn't understand why.

So I asked her the only question that I knew needed to be answered, "why do you love me?"

"It was my destiny to love you, I didn't have a choice"

And then I started to believe that she was mistaken and I told her so, "no, you haven't thought this through, you can't love me"

"I can and it's all I know. Like I said, I didn't have a choice. You came and changed everything, you became everything"

"I didn't want to change anything though"

"But you did and I can't say that I'm glad that you did but that's only because of the shitty circumstances we are now"

"You're mistaken your feelings"

"I'm not"

"You don't even know me"

"But I do, you see I know all about you. Not your history; that can wait, if everything works out right then we'll have time for tales but I know you now"

"Why, though? Why do you love me? How do you know for sure?"

"I'm sure I love you because I don't know how not to, because I want to be the one to put a smile on your face and make you happy. I'm sure because I love your smile, your laugh and the sound of your voice and I can't imagine life without listening to those. I'm sure because you are the first thing in my mind when I wake up and the last when I go to bed. I'm sure because ever since I realized I can't stop thinking about spending the rest of my life with you and I know we're young and nothing is certain now but I'm sure that this feeling won't ever go away and I can't explain it. I just know. And even if we don't end up together I still want to be a part of your life because I can't imagine life without you"

"Santana" I needed her to stop and she needed to get everything out of her chest.

"I know it sounds crazy but someday I'd love to marry you, Rachel. I'm sure I love you because when I see myself with kids I see you as their mother, no one else and my God, if I could just have a baby girl with you I would be the happiest woman on earth and I will love you until the end of times, not that I don't right now but please, tell me that you get the point at least"

"I do" she was fisting my shirt by that point, she was crying freely and I, on the edge of an emotional breakdown, just kept rubbing her arm up and down, as if I was comforting a child that had just lost their favorite toy.

It wasn't enough; nothing that I could offer her was ever going to be enough.

"I love you"

"I know"

"I won't ever have the guts to tell you all of this again"

"Yes, you will"

"You won't remember, will you?"

"Yes, I will."

We laid together and she eventually fell asleep with her arms holding me securely and the next morning I remembered, I remembered every word but she didn't know until years later.

…**.**


	7. Twelve and eleven years ago

Chapter 6

_Twelve and eleven years ago_

…

When I woke up the next morning I didn't have to lie to Santana's face and tell her that I didn't remember her words because she was gone by the time I opened my eyes and we didn't have the opportunity to talk for the next couple of days.

Nationals passed by as fast as they came; only this time we were left with a Championship in our hands and were proclaimed winners. It was a small relieve and it felt fantastic to held that cup in my hands because we had made it but nothing felt completely good, not even the celebration party where Santana spent the entire night avoiding even looking at me and Quinn looked on the edge of a breakdown and was avoiding Santana at all costs.

I was confident in what I felt, I knew what I wanted but it wasn't easy to make a decision because there was Santana to consider in the equation all of the sudden and it felt wrong to think only about me.

I wasn't making a choice; I felt exactly the way she did when she mentioned that it wasn't a choice to love. I was also in love, but not with her.

Quinn had been trying harder than before, she didn't let a single opportunity to talk to me slide and every time I tried to ignore her she just tried harder to get my attention.

We only had three more weeks of High School, we were about to leave town and pursue the lives that we chose and I was tired of pretending, I was tired of trying. I wasn't excited of leaving town, I was dreading the day because I knew that I needed to fix things with Quinn and leaving without her was never an option.

I wasn't going to fight anymore. She had made a mistake, apologized countless of times for the last three and half months and if that didn't tell me that she was serious about us then nothing did.

When I walked down the hallway to my locker I saw her standing by it, waiting and biting her lower lip. I loved her and that's all I could think about while I got closer to her.

She stood up straight and moved aside to give me room to open my locker, she was nervous and she was wearing the leather jacket. "Morning, Rachel"

"Morning" I replied and open the locker, she let out a breath and moved around to face me, obviously on better terms because this time I actually answered back.

"Did you see the poster hanging outside?"

"Yeah, it was a nice gesture"

I had barely noticed the poster but I gathered enough to know that it was dedicated to our win in Nationals. Glee Club wasn't exactly the most popular place to hang. "I heard that Coach Sylvester had it made for us"

"Why would she do that?" I closed my locker and she took the books from my hands. She smiled sweetly, silently asking me not to fight her for the action.

"Because she finally realized that we are all rock stars" I huffed in response and she smiled widely. I loved her smile.

"And the pigs have started to fly, did you notice this morning outside your window?" I wasn't a sarcastic person but it always came out when I was with Quinn, it was our way to banter and we both knew it.

"Well maybe not, but you have to admit that she loves us"

"Tolerates us would be more accurate"

"This _is_ Coach that we are talking about. Toleration equals love, right?"

"If you say so."

Until that moment the prospect of missing her had been just that, a thought, an idea but as we walked together that day after so long, I truly understood what it was to miss someone and my heart filled with melancholia because I didn't want to stop doing it. I didn't want to stop talking to her about non important things or the most at the same time. I needed her and it was a scary thought, but a certain one.

I didn't want to miss her again.

"I've missed this" she admitted with a pained expression, probably thinking that I would close off at the mention of something as personal.

I waited until she looked up and then finally said it out loud. The words I've been carrying with me like an anchor to the past. "I've missed _you_."

"Can we… can we talk? Not here in the hallway, I mean. Can we? Please."

I dipped my head and we walked down towards the auditorium. I knew what it was going to happen but there wasn't a single second of that walk where I didn't think about my daddy's words.

No, I said to myself. No, I won't allow irrational fears to keep me from being with the person that I love and so, I walked to the open door of the auditorium as she held it for me.

I sat on the first row and she placed my books and hers in the seat next to mine. It was a bit awkward but only because we were both so nervous but she looked beautiful in such a powerful way that I was yet again mesmerized by the sight of her. She kneeled down right in front of my feet and took both of my hands.

Her lips kissed the knuckles of my fingers and her watery eyes looked up at me with nothing but sincerity in them. She was opening up, maybe not completely but in the best way she knew how.

"I love you, Rachel. I've never been sure about anything in my life. My house, school, friends, I've never had anything to hold on to, to believe in. I've never believed in anything as much as I believe in you and our love, baby. I love you, I love you so much, Rachel and that's all I know"

"Quinn."

My heart aching, my body shaking, I whispered her name in a silent plea. I loved her just as much, just as wild, just as fervently.

"Please, Rachel. I know I messed up and baby, there is nothing that I regret more in this life, nothing. It kills me and I'm disgusted with myself for doing that, and nothing I can say will ever erase it but you have to know that I will dedicate every minute of the rest of our lives to make it up to you if you give me another chance, please"

"Why did you do it?"

Call me a masochist but no other question has ever rounded my mind as constantly as that one. Was Elizabeth better in bed? Was she disposed to do things that I always denied her? Did she still love Elizabeth?

"It was a moment of weakness and that's no excuse" she started crying, like the memory of it all was enough punishment to live with. "She was there, we were talking and then it all happened so fast. Rachel, I'm so sorry"

"How would I know that this won't happen again?"

"It won't! I swear to you that it won't. You are it for me, Rachel. I want New York, a wedding and a family with you; I want everything with you just like we talked before. Those weren't just words for me, Rach. You must know that they weren't"

"Before you cheated on me" it was a low blow and I knew it the moment I said it. She whined, literally whined and kissed my hands again.

"Remember when we were discussing about a house or an apartment and you said you wanted an apartment with a view of Central Park if possible?"

"Of course I remember"

"Well, when you were talking about that and the furniture and Broadway bills, all I could think about was kids running through that made up apartment and jumping into our bed to greet us good morning because that's what I want with you. I want everything with you because you are everything to me. Please, Rachel"

And just like that my head went straight to Santana and what she said on Prom night and I ached all over again because I was going to hurt her no matter what I decided to do but before confusion took me all over I cupped her face and whipped her tears with my thumbs.

"I need you to love me again, Rachel"

"I do love you" she gripped my wrists and lifted her body up bringing our foreheads together.

"God! How amazing it is to hear you say that" she pressed our lips together and I kissed her. I still remember how salty the kiss was, how strong and possessive it felt. Almost desperate it felt.

"I will never, ever hurt you again. Not like that. I love you"

"I love you too"

"Let me deserve your love again, be with me again. Please."

I kissed her in response and she murmured that she loved me every time she pulled back for air.

Classes were a blur, we only had a couple of weeks left and Santana looked more and more anxious by the day, especially when Quinn would talk to me anywhere now. I always assumed that Quinn had told her that we were back together but that hadn't been the case.

It was the last week of class, on a Wednesday afternoon when I was supposed to meet Quinn by her car when I saw Santana coming towards me with a confident step in her stride, she looked ready to take on the world but Quinn got to me first and she kissed my cheek sweetly right before Santana even had a chance to say hello.

"Ready to go, baby?"

"Yes" I locked eyes with Santana and that's how I saw her struggling to keep a straight face. Quinn of course, followed my sight and smiled to her best friend.

"Hey, San. I thought you'd be with Britt?"

But Santana was utterly confused, taken aback and I felt so guilty for assuming something that had obviously never happened. I deprived her from important information when she was my best friend and confident. Quinn had never told her, "I was on my way to… why?"

"She looked a little upset a few minutes ago, I saw her walking out of the bathroom"

"Was she okay?" Santana and I, both asked in unison.

"She looked a little teary but didn't want to talk to me"

"She said nothing?"

"I tried calling her name a few times but she didn't turn around"

"Did you see where she go?"

"Yes, she came out here to the parking lot. She must be by your car if she didn't drive."

There was something that wasn't right about the whole discussion but neither Santana nor I picked on it. It's one of those things that you don't see at first hand and you need a second look, but we didn't take a second look. We didn't doubt.

School came to an end, my dads were less than happy that I had gotten back together with Quinn but they stopped preaching when they realized that I was moving from their home and I was going to be with Quinn in New York very soon. They didn't give up, but they made it perfectly clear that I was an adult taking my own decisions from then on and all they could do was offer advice that I might or might not accept.

Just days before we left for New York Santana arrived to Quinn's house while we were watching a movie and told us in tears what had happened in her house. It was the first time I saw Santana after the parking lot.

"They just kicked me out" she cried while I re-entered the living room with a glass of water for her because she was in tears.

"What can I do?" Quinn asked and at the moment I remember thinking how lucky Santana was for having her as her best friend. _If I had only known_.

"I don't know. I don't even know why I came to your place. I don't know what to do. I mean, how am I supposed to take care of a real person if I can't even pay rent? Quinn, I'm lost here!" she kept bouncing her legs while I desperately tried to catch on.

"Calm down, Santana. We're going to New York soon"

Santana stood up from the couch and started pacing while I observed. I didn't know what I could say to make anything better either so I stayed quiet instead.

"And I don't even know what the fuck I'm going to do there. I don't have any money to do shit!"

"What is exactly the problem?" I finally had it with being in the dark and both of them looked at me with the same shocked and speechless expression. Somehow they had forgotten that I was in the room. I instantly panicked. "Oh my God. What did you two do?"

"Nothing, I mean. Not me" Quinn quickly said and took my hand in a calming manner. I admit being dramatic back then because I instantly thought that they had killed someone or something equally as bad by the look on their faces but that wasn't the case, obviously.

"Brittany's pregnant" Santana finally said and Quinn kissed the side of my head and held me tight as I felt my stomach dropping from the news.

"Oh, that's… oh" whatever I was expecting to hear, it wasn't that and I didn't really know how I felt. All I could think about was that Santana was having a son or daughter with Brittany before their lives started and it wasn't fair.

"My parents kicked me out, cut me out from all the money, took away the credit cards and everything. They practically shoved my clothes in two suitcases and told me to mend on my own" she finally sat down again and drank the water that I had brought for her minutes ago.

Quinn was stuck by my side, kissing the side of my head over and over again, as if I was the one needing support. As if I was the one who needed reassurance.

"What about Brittany?" when I spoke I was surprised by how hoarse my own voice sounded.

"It's only her mom and her little sister; she doesn't want to worry them with anything and she doesn't want to stay here anyway"

"Your tuition is paid for though, right?" I had overheard a conversation where Santana mentioned that her parents didn't do anything halfway and that that included the payments of her tuition at Columbia.

"It doesn't even matter now, I can't study and provide for Brittany and our unborn kid. It doesn't work that way, Quinn. I need to get a full time job now"

"Maybe it doesn't but you don't have to make decisions in this moment, you still have a couple of months before things…"

"Fall on me like the fucking hand of God?"

"If you wanna put it that way" it was hard to remain concentrated when I was starting to freak out for no apparent reason because it wasn't my problem and yes, I knew that Santana was a friend and I was willing to help in any way that I could but my sudden fear and numbness weren't justified.

"No, Rachel is right" said Quinn, finally putting a word in. "You can still go to Columbia while Brittany goes to Julliard"

"She's not going to be dancing whit a kid in her oven, Quinn"

"That would be too dangerous" Quinn was definitely overthinking everything. "but you can go, you can both assist University for a few months. You don't have to make any decisions here and now. Rachel and I will be there with you and you know that we have your back. We'll be there for you, alright"

"Alright. Thank you, guys."

….

Santana didn't leave the University, although she was about to countless of times but when Brittany hit her third trimester she had to leave Julliard and no one could tell her otherwise.

Santana was working two jobs and still assisting to classes. She was breaking her back, trying to make it, giving everything she had and still waking up at four in the morning to finish her homework. She was exhausted and going on autopilot but no longer thinking about her parents and how they never returned her calls in those first few months that she was in New York.

Quinn and I moved in together after five months in New York. We figured one morning that she would bring in all of her stuff from her dorm in campus to the apartment my parents were paying for since she didn't even spend much time there anyway. We were having a honey moon stage that didn't seem to end and on the fifth month of being in the city she went down on one knee and proposed to me with a beautiful solitaire diamond ring that fit perfectly on my finger.

"I had to measure your finger while you slept" she had laughed and kissed me under the stars of New York City after I said yes.

"I love it" I was entranced with my ring and the fact that my girlfriend had just proposed outside of Tiffany's store after a perfect date.

"I love _you_" she kissed me again.

Delivering the news had been an adventure itself and we almost kept it to ourselves but Brittany was static, a little too happy and Santana had smiled and pointed out that the ring on my finger was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

I searched in her eyes for a hint that told me that she wasn't okay with it and so she could also know that I wasn't rubbing my engagement in her face just for the heck of it. We didn't speak as much anymore, my schedule was insane and she was always working. We barely made our weekend lunch and that was because it was an obligatory double date to avoid drifting apart that we all agreed on.

"Congratulations" she had kissed my cheek and held me tight before she sat down beside Brittany and together they enabled a conversation with their kicking daughter inside of Brittany's womb.

Quinn looked nostalgic as she saw Santana talking to her child and I remember thinking how badly she wanted a family, she had told me in the past and I said, "that could be you and me in a couple of years"

She had smiled and kissed the corner of my lips before wrapping her arms around my waist from behind, "I can't wait to have that with you."

So when she called me a month later almost screaming and telling me that Brittany had just called her to tell her that she was going to the Emergency room and that Santana was stuck at work, I had calmed her down, told her to be there with Brittany until Santana or I could make it. I was also in the middle of class and couldn't get out. I told her that she could take it as practice for when her children started to arrive and she huffed before telling me that she could do it.

When I arrived to the hospital I found her almost instantly, Quinn was the only one passing the hallway _as if_ her own child was being born at the moment.

"Hi, baby. I came as soon as I could" she held me and took a deep breath. She was shaking and nervous.

"They said that they needed to perform a C-section because the baby wasn't in the right position for a natural birth" her hands were sweaty and she looked a little pale. I was incredibly touched by how much she really cared about Brittany and the baby.

"Everything is going to be alright"

"I know, I know. It's just that… I wished Santana was here already."

Santana didn't make it until twenty minutes later and she looked just as freaked out and nervous as Quinn did at the moment. She was working as a waiter in a Coffee Shop that was short on personal with a minimal payment and practically depending on tips but that's as good as she could get and she didn't hesitate in taking it.

"Any news?" was the first thing she asked since I had been updating her via text messages.

"No, they haven't come out yet"

"It's already been close to forty minutes" Quinn was back to passing as Santana took a sit next to me.

"Thank you for being here" she said and took both of our hands, "I don't know what I would do without you guys"

"Don't worry about that"

"We'll always be here" Quinn sat by her side and held her, "especially with the new one around."

Santana smiled and Quinn looked at me with a watery smile that I didn't know what it meant. She was so good at hiding feelings that neither one of us knew what was really going on for years to come.

They left to go to the bathroom and I stayed alone in the hallway's chairs turning the ring on my finger and thinking about my upcoming wedding. I didn't have to worry about money since Russell Fabray was paying for everything. Not on his own will of course but because Judy still got a great amount of his earnings and was more than happy to give all that money to Quinn and Charlotte. Serves him right, she'd say every time she signed a new check.

The ring alone had been such an investment and I had almost passed out when I found the receipt on one of her jackets one morning but seventeen thousand dollars were only a very small amount of money in the Fabray's bank account.

Quinn wasn't a brat by any means though; she was working as an assistant in a very important firm in the city in her free time. She got everyone their cups of coffee and said everyone called her 'the copy girl' around the building because she was always juggling with papers but she was happy to be learning and eavesdropping in every meeting she could.

I was happy to be in my element and for the first time ever I didn't feel like I was one in a million which wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

It had been only eight months since we left Lima for New York but it already felt like a life time ago and our lives weren't stopping by any means, they were only getting faster and we were trying to hold on to as much as we could.

When they came back I instantly noticed the change in their behavior. "What's going on?"

Before Santana sat down beside me she pulled out a white box from her jeans and gave it to me. "I'm proposing tonight."

I froze with the open box in my hands with a beautiful ring inside of it that stared right back at me. It wasn't as beautiful as mine was -I kept telling myself- but it was so much meaningful because it had been Santana's grandmother's engagement ring. I knew because she mentioned how it was one of the very few things she got to keep when her parents threw her out.

My chest tightened and I closed the box. I didn't know what to say because I was honestly speechless and I didn't have a reason to be.

"That's… great" I finally murmured.

"Yeah, well. Your fiancé doesn't think the same."

Quinn looked unconvinced and as she answered right back I just sat back and listened to their heated argument.

"I'm just asking if you're doing it because of the baby or because you actually want to marry her"

"This woman is giving me a child and I'm doing the right thing here, you should be happy for me. You should be proud that I'm stepping up the way I am"

"I am happy for you… and your child, and I'm proud, Santana. You are an amazing person. I just asked you a simple question and you went crazy on me. Doesn't that tell you something?"

"Yes, it tells me that you should probably shut up!"

"And you should probably accept the fact that you're no longer in love with Brittany!"

"That's none of your business and you're being the worst best friend ever right now!"

"It is my business when my best friend is about to propose because she feels responsible!"

"I am responsible! I have two persons to take care of now, don't you see?"

"Brittany doesn't need taking care!"

"Enough, you two!"

My voice echoed in the empty hallway and both finally shut their mouths. Quinn's behavior should have been a dead giveaway but it was impossible to even assume the reality of the situation.

"Santana is not a child, Quinn and if she's about to propose Brittany to marry her, I'm sure she had given it the amount of thinking and consideration that their current situation requires before she came to the conclusion that matrimony is the right path to take."

On her defense, Quinn looked seriously chastised and dropped her shoulders at once, admitting defeat so I turned to face Santana next.

"I'm also sure that Quinn's worrisome is appreciated since she's only trying to look after you because she wants the best for the both of you, well now the three of you"

"I know that" Santana's shoulders also sagged down and she leaned her head back before whispering, "I'm sorry. I'm just so nervous about everything. I just want to meet her already"

Quinn's whisper was barely audible but I was right next to her so I listened when she said, "me too."

I didn't have much time to give it much of a thought anyway because a nurse came out of nowhere calling Santana's name. "Lopez? Santana Lopez?"

"Here" it goes without saying that the three of us were on our feet instantly.

"You have a healthy baby girl, 7.5 pounds and 47 centimeters" the smile on the nurse' face and our growing grins soon dissipated the tension that had been surrounding us for the last couple of minutes until all that negativity was replaced by anxiety and happiness.

I could practically see the love shining in Santana's eyes in that moment and she hadn't even met the little girl yet but it was obvious that she already loved her more than anything in the world.

"And Brittany?"

"She's a strong young lady, that one. You'll be able to see her in a few minutes"

"And the baby? Can we see her?" Quinn beat us all to ask.

"Of course. I'll be right back with her."

"Congratulations" I hugged her and Quinn wrapped her arms around us both. Suddenly we were a mess of laughter and happiness.

"I have a baby girl" she was static; the smile on her face was a permanent feature.

Quinn was shocked and her expression kept going back from happy to scared. She didn't know how to feel and I don't know how I didn't find that strange. "It's amazing. I can't believe she's here" she murmured.

When we heard the steps of the nurse our hearts stopped or at least mine did. "Meet your daughter" and she passed the baby to Santana.

Santana's eyes were focused on her daughter as were Quinn's as I stared at their reactions. They had the same expression in their eyes, wonder and devotion swam in their stares.

"I need your help with a few forms, if that's okay?" the nurse was being too nice and I barely casted a look at the little girl before I volunteered to fill the forms. I could always have some time with her after all.

"Are you sure this is my baby?" I heard Santana ask when I took a seat to fill in Brittany's personal information that luckily I knew. I thought Santana was kidding and didn't pay much attention to her comment.

"Can I hold her?" Quinn asked and I smiled to myself. She was already so smitten by the new addition to our little made up family and she had only met her for a few minutes.

"No, seriously. Is this the right baby?" Santana asked again and when I looked up I saw the confusion in her eyes. She was being serious.

"Of course it is, Ms. Lopez" the nurse informed her. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, I thought she would resemble me somehow, you know?" Santana said dismissively, obviously wanting to keep herself quiet but I saw the look in her eyes that told me that she actually had doubts about the baby which I didn't understand.

"Santana, of course it's yours" Quinn was holding the baby's hand and smiling like a fool. "She's the cutest thing."

All the excitement was gone from Santana and it was noticeable. "She's blonde and I get that" she was talking to me now, "but the nose, the eyes, the skin. Shouldn't she have something of me in her?"

She looked utterly confused, put out and I don't know why I didn't take a closer look to the baby but decided to hold Santana's hand instead. But it wasn't what Santana could see in the baby, no, it was more than that, it was as if her gut was speaking to her and she trusted her instincts.

"It's a newborn, honey. Give it a couple of days and she'll start going all Lima Heights" I chuckled but she didn't laugh, she didn't even blink when she said, "Something's not right here" and left to find Brittany's room.

Quinn looked panicked but neither one of us stopped Santana in her stroll down the hallway and for some reason I still didn't take a look at the baby's face.

"What do you think she's going to do?"

"I don't know" I started to make my way towards Brittany's as well but before we could make it Santana came out looking as if someone had just punched her in the stomach or worse. She was devastated.

As she ran in the opposite direction I barely yelled an 'I'll call you' to Quinn and ran behind Santana. I didn't know what had happened but I knew that she needed a friend whatever it was and Quinn was carrying the baby. I had to be the one to chase after her.

Once outside of the hospital she looked both ways and then went right looking for her car. I could hear her crying but she wasn't stopping or even acknowledging my calls.

I finally got to her when she was trying to open the door to her car, her hands were shaking uncontrollably. "Santana?" she turned around, cheeks stained with tears and eyes solely focus on my face. "Please, tell me what happened?"

"I lost you" she cried with a broken voice as I took her hands and carefully removed the keys from them. Her words didn't make any sense at the moment.

"Santana"

"I lost you over nothing, I lost you" my ringtone stopped me from asking what was she talking about but it was only a text coming from Quinn where she told me that Brittany had confessed to her that the baby wasn't Santana's.

I didn't need to know anything else. I drove her car to her apartment, we didn't speak on the ride, she was too busy crying and punching her own legs while I was trying to understand why would Brittany do something like that to them? Anyone with eyes could see that Brittany was irrevocably in love with Santana, so the thought of her cheating on the brunette was difficult to grasp.

The engine was still going when Santana got out and strode upstairs to her apartment, leaving me behind to follow. The door was open when I got to her floor and I found her looking desperately through the kitchen cabinets until she emerged with a tequila bottle and two glasses in her hands. It was a déjà vu back to prom night. Only this time I was the one observing and she was holding the bottle.

It wasn't a solution and I didn't want her to drink in that moment but I also knew that I needed to be supportive and whatever she needed at the moment I should just sat and be there for her.

I followed her to the dining table in the shoe box apartment and sat opposite to her. She downed two shots before offering me one.

I didn't drink, didn't stop her and definitely didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say to her in a moment like that. She had been breaking her back for Brittany and the baby, she had been thrown out of her house because of them, she was working two jobs, going to law school and she was going to propose that night.

I drank the shot of tequila in my hands and winced at the burning flavor wondering how Santana was still drinking it when I felt my throat going on fire.

"Sant…"

"I hate her!" she punched the table with her fist, the glasses jumped and turned sideways on the surface. I jumped in my seat as well.

"Santana, you need to calm down" I tentatively said but she just took a long gulp straight from the bottle.

"I can't. I feel like a ticking bomb" fresh tears rolled down her cheeks as she locked eyes with me. Before that night I had never seen her angry but I'd heard stories from Quinn herself and the guys from Glee Club, and how it wasn't a picture that I ever wanted to see. That night I agreed with them. "You lied to me, you lied right at my face"

My blood ran cold and all I could say was, "What?" because I knew exactly where she was going.

"You remembered, I could tell you did because you avoided me like I was the plague but you were such a good actress"

"Santana, let's not…"

"You lied to me"

Her voice was so pained and I was filled with regret and I couldn't lie again, not after what she just went through and my own heart broke at what I was about to do.

"I had to lie to you"

"You were everything and what was I for you? A friend with a shoulder to cry on? Someone that made you feel better?" she laughed humorlessly as I swallowed the bile that was rising up from my stomach.

"You know it wasn't like that"

"I was going to fight for you! I was going to tell you everything again and then Brittany comes and says that…"

"What?"

"It was the last week of school and I was going to tell you everything but Brittany had been crying and Quinn was kissing your cheek and not even four hours later I was being thrown out of my house and just like that, my life was changed"

I didn't know what to say and I didn't trust my voice to speak anymore. I was breaking and she was obviously done holding anything inside.

"You weren't supposed to slip out of my hands like that" she gulped more of the remaining tequila.

"Like what?"

"Without a fight, I didn't even put a fight for you"

"I was never yours to fight for" my words were a dagger, even for myself.

"I know" and the tone of her voice made me look back up and without breaking eye contact she said, "but I was always yours to take."

I felt like someone had just thrown icy water on my head and even though I wasn't drunk I felt like I owned her the truth, all of it.

"You got me so confused" I admitted, "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't know what to do with myself. I was a mess and Quinn was still trying and I loved her, I was in love with her, still am"

"Do you think that…" she lowered the bottle and licked her lips, her eyes always focused on mine as she gathered up her ideas, "did I have a chance with you?"

And without even thinking I found myself answering. "No."

She started crying harder and I regretted my words a little bit more. I didn't have the right to mess with her like that and I didn't want it.

"I tried to believe that Britt and the kid would make me forget about you. I tried so hard to be with them but every morning I woke up with this regret, with this feeling of emptiness…" she stopped talking to allow a sob rip through her and the sound was so animalistic pure that had me crying as well. "And it makes me feel like shit because there she was in my bed and I was missing something I never even had in the first place. I was missing you, loving you, yearning you while you were out there getting engaged to the _love of your life_."

I took the jab with as much dignity as I could. I knew she wasn't trying to hurt me, she was only trying to take it all out of her system but I still felt guilty.

"I am so sorry" I apologized, not knowing what else to do. "I am so sorry for everything. I don't know what I did. I never gave you anything to hold on to" and I cried, harder than before because I wanted to take all her pain away but didn't know how to.

"This is not your fault"

"Then why does it feel like it is?"

"You are so fucking perfect" she declared but I felt nothing like it.

"Not even close"

"You are. Here I am telling you that I've been in love with and you are trying to apologize saying that you never did anything for me to fall for you and you're right, you never gave me anything. I just fell for you because of who you are, don't blame yourself."

She was drunk and she chose that moment to stand up and nearly fell on her face when she did and if I hadn't been quick enough to hold her then she would have.

"Kitchen" she mumbled.

"Are you thirsty?" I walked with her towards the kitchen and started to fill a glass with water before she touched my face and buried her fingers in my hair.

"I love you" she breathed out, the stink of tequila invading my nostrils but still being the most heartfelt declaration I've ever heard. She had gotten drunk in less than an hour.

I didn't want to duel on it, especially because a part of me knew that she loved me. I lifted the glass to her lips and gave her water to drink instead.

"You are beautiful" she said, her hand still in my face, her thumb now caressing my cheek as I put the glass away. "So cute, you are so cute"

"You are too, maybe it's time to take you to bed, huh?"

She kissed me and I didn't have the heart to push her away but I didn't kiss her back either. Something that I never saw coming was the fact that I was actually fighting against myself to stay still.

When she pulled back I instantly grew flushed because the look in her eyes was devouring. I knew that she wanted to keep kissing but I also knew that if she did it again, I would have kissed her back.

She moved, trapping me between the counter and her body, and leaned in again until her lips were an inch away from mine. I remember feeling the heat of her breath caressing my lips softly and how much I wanted to kiss her. I also remember how I lost myself to an impulse.

"Kiss me" she asked and didn't move any closer, "Rachel, just for tonight. Just for right now, please kiss me."

But I knew that it wasn't going to be that way, I knew that as soon as I kissed her that nothing will ever be the same.

Her lips were ticker but softer, demanding and hotter. Everything about her was hot, her skin was burning my body and I didn't want her to pull away. She pulled at my shirt, taking if off of me; her lips were on my neck, her hands on my breasts. I couldn't stop, couldn't ask her to stop, and _didn't_ want to stop.

As we made our way towards her bedroom, a bedroom that I knew she shared with Brittany, we got rid of our clothes and I don't know if it was the adrenaline of knowing that everything we were doing was wrong or if it was actually what I wanted what led me to it but we ended up in bed.

I remember scratching her back with force I didn't need to use but that sent us both into a frenzy of push and pull that didn't stop until we used the last condom on her nightstand.

She passed out almost immediately after we realized that we couldn't keep doing it but I couldn't sleep, couldn't even look at her without feeling like the worst person on earth. I felt dirty, exhausted and painfully satisfied that I hated myself.

On top of that she had feelings for me and I was getting married with her best friend in less than six months.

Morning came and I left the bed for a scolding shower that wasn't going to wash away the regret I woke up feeling.

"You're leaving?" she asked when I opened the bathroom door, already dressed in my clothes and looking for my shoes.

"Yes"

"Can we talk?"

"I can't right now"

"Rachel?" I didn't look up, I couldn't see her. "Rachel, would you at least look at me?"

"I'm getting married, Santana. Last night… last night was a mistake" I had started freaking out the moment I was her sleeping next to me.

"Do you regret what happened here?"

And I heard the pain in her voice but I still couldn't bring myself up to look at her and looking at the floor with my shoes on my hands I said, "yes, of course I do. It shouldn't have happened"

"You didn't seem so opposed to it while we were doing it" she spat angrily, hurt.

I looked up, I knew she was right. She had every right to throw it on me because I was sober and she was not. I had been the one who accepted her advances and went with it.

"This never happened. Do you understand?"

"Rachel, don't do this" she begged me.

"It never happened. You and I can never happen"

"Don't ask me that, you know I can't just forget about last night"

"You have to! I'm getting married to Quinn and I love her. This was a mistake, nothing more"

"No, please. I can be better, I can be anything you want. Just, please" her voice broke as did my heart for her but I couldn't stop.

"It meant nothing to me, Santana. I'm so sorry it had to be this way but you have to understand that I don't have any feelings for you, not like that."

I saw the battle in her eyes, the way her mind was going through all of it, probably remembering everything we did the night before but she finally stood up from bed, a new demeanor shielding her wounded heart from me. A mask I've seen so many times covering her true colors, although she wasn't an expert at wearing it like Quinn was.

"Whatever. Suit yourself to do whatever you want with your pathetic life"

"Come on now"

"Do you need me to show you to the front door, dwarf?" she spat in my face and I cringed at her tone.

"No"

"Then get lost already" she threw the bathroom door in my face and I left in silence.

And forget we did. We never talked about it, never mentioned it again. We didn't even act different around each other, it was like it never happened in the first place and I didn't know why that made me feel so bad to think about.

She told her parents what happened with Brittany and with little care they gave her their credit cards again, their money made her life a little easier. She didn't work anymore but only focused on her internship on a low profile firm that was quickly gaining recognition. She moved out of the apartment and lived in the University dorms.

She didn't care about what happened and I focused on living my life as a married woman.

…**.**


	8. Eight years ago

_Chapter 7_

_Eight years ago_

…

It took us a couple of years to have the ceremony and we had been married for six months when I found out that I was pregnant. Our marriage had been an eternal honey moon that didn't seem to end and we were happier than we ever were.

I went to see her in campus the moment I confirmed my state with my doctor. She was with Santana, walking towards the parking lot when I crushed her in a hug and whispered in her ear that I was expecting.

"You're not kidding?" I could already hear the excitement growing in her voice.

"I just confirmed with my doctor"

"Oh my God. Oh my God! Oh my God, baby. Oh my God!" her grin was so big and I wasn't doing any better. I started laughing when she picked me up and swirled me around before I remembered that Santana was with her.

"Congratulations" she said, her voice strained as she avoided looking at me.

"We're pregnant!" Quinn's happiness wasn't ending and my excitement only grew with the sight of my wife being so glad.

"I heard, Q. That's great"

"You're gonna be an aunt, San. My God! We have to celebrate, don't we baby? Dinner? Our apartment or a restaurant?"

"Whatever you want"

"My God! I love you, I love you so much."

We ended up staying in our apartment and Santana spent the night telling us about a new girl she had met while Quinn alternated talking about her childhood and all the things she couldn't wait to do with our baby. I listened to her stories happily; I was just as excited as she was if not even more. I was glad that we were on the same page about starting a family. We had talked about it of course but we weren't trying to get pregnant at the moment, it had happened unexpectedly but we couldn't be happier.

We never heard from Brittany again. Quinn told me how she helped her move out from the apartment she shared with Santana but that was the last time she admitted to see her. She spoke about the baby on regular basis though. Always mentioning how beautiful the little girl was on that first night she met her, wondering how she was, if they were doing alright.

We had been living in an apartment my dads bought for me ever since the wedding. Our careers were taking off wonderfully and our family was just about to be extended. Everything was turning out to be better than any dream we could have ever had.

"Where is this place?" I held a black and white picture for Quinn to see. It was a nice day in New York and we were in our bed going through all the photos we owned, determined to get them all organized.

"Oh, is San Francisco. The little brat in my arm is my nephew Michael"

"How old is he in here?"

"A month old, I guess. That was taken on the summer before our Junior year."

That explained the William McKinley jacket Quinn was wearing in the photo. She looked so young and radiant, holding the newborn in her arms.

"You look so cute" I teased and she huffed before handing me another picture. She had another baby in her arms and Matthew looked older.

"This is when Peter was born and Matthew was three"

"I remember that. You and your mother traveled to visit Charlotte on Christmas break when we were here already"

"Yeah, that's the one. Take a look at this one" she handed me a photo of her and Charlotte and they looked so young.

"My God! You two are fetuses in here!"

She laughed and even blushed before kissing my cheek and placing her hand on my belly. "This was when I was thirteen, Char was seventeen cursing her senior year. We made the trip to visit my grandmother and a month later she passed away."

Her voice was steady, I knew she had gotten over the loss of her grandmother but I still kissed her lips softly and caressed the hand that was resting on my belly, "I'm sorry, baby"

"It's okay, it was a long time ago" she kissed me back and went back to see the picture. In the back I saw the silhouette of two persons that I hadn't seen a minute ago.

Judy stood to the right behind Quinn with a man holding her arm and it didn't look pretty or friendly. Our reactions came at the very same moment and she snatched the picture from my hands and threw it to the floor before I could even think of asking her anything.

"I didn't realize that was there, I thought it was a different one" her tone was breathless, like the image of her father had been enough to take her breath away. Her hands started to shake and she stood from the bed.

"I'm sorry" she apologized before walking towards the window. She had never talked about her father, she was always careful not to mention him to the point where I learnt that he wasn't supposed to exist in our lives.

I didn't know much about Russell, I didn't even know why he left, how or when. It was like he never existed in the first place and Quinn, her mother and sister were happy to forget about him as well.

I gathered the courage and finally asked, "Was that your father?"

"That man is nothing to me! Nothing!" I flinched with the ring of her voice but as quick as she spoke she turned around murmuring apologies for raising her voice. "I'm sorry for yelling, it's just that… I can't… I can't even stand the thought of him. I'm sorry for yelling, it won't happen again"

"It's alright" I kissed her and she laid on the bed with her head on my lap. "I love you, you know?"

"I know. I love you just as much."

We finished organizing our photos, we even re-arranged our wedding album and picked up a few we wanted framed.

That night when we were in bed ready to go to sleep she held me in her arms for a few minutes before she told me everything that I didn't want to know about her father.

"He was abusive and not only with my mother"

"Did he ever touch you?"

"No, not me. I was his golden child, always said I'll make him proud one day."

In the dark of the night I couldn't see her face clearly but I didn't need to see her face to know she was about to cry. I had had my suspicious, I knew Russell's story went along those lines but it seemed like the impact he had on Quinn was way bigger than she was leading on to believe.

"He said I was just like him and that I would know how to take care of my family. Said that I was his pride and joy. He'd always made me watch and walk me through everything that was happening" she sniffled and buried her face in my neck, her arms tightening around me as I held her as well. "He'd always comment on how my hands were just like his"

"You're nothing like him, Quinn" I took her hand and kissed the palms softly.

"But I am" she corrected me. "I talk like him, I smirk just like him and my eyes are not really mine but his. I hate it. I hate to look so much like him Rachel and I just want to forget he ever existed. Does that make any sense?"

"Of course, of course it does"

"God, I love you so much. I never told you about this because I never wanted our lives to be tainted by his memory"

"I understand"

"I love you"

"I love you, too."

It intrigued me, what she said but I did as she asked and Russell was not mentioned again.

Since I was pregnant and my last Broadway show came to an end I was always sitting around, actually being a housewife and discovering that I loved the routine. I knew that after the baby I was going to have to go back to work but fortunately by the time I was due Quinn would have had her own firm up and running.

It was around the time that I hit my first trimester that Quinn mentioned that she had ran into Brittany one day on the sidewalk. They stayed in touch ever since and I knew Quinn visited her once or twice but whenever I mentioned that she should invite her over, Brittany was never available.

Santana, on the other hand was dating a new girl from their University called Jessica that apparently was a charm to be around and Quinn hadn't lost the opportunity to invite them for dinner at our place.

"They should be here any minute now" Quinn ran outside the kitchen with two more plates as I checked on the sauce. Santana had never introduce any of her girlfriends to us and that night she was bringing this Jessica girl for dinner in our apartment, to say that Quinn was excited would have been an understatement.

"Have you met her?" I raised my voice so my wife could hear me but it wasn't necessary when she answered from right behind me.

"Once, but we didn't get to say much apart from hi because they were in a hurry and I had to pick you up from the theater but she seemed nice and Santana looks happy. That's all that matters in my book."

It should have ring many bells the way my stomach dropped but it didn't. Santana was dating, happy and -for the first time since Brittany- open about a relationship. I should have been happy for her, for my friend.

"That's all that matters, right?" I tried to smile and Quinn winked at me.

"I know how overprotective you tend to be, baby" she got closer and wrapped her arms around me, my baby bump impend us from being flushed against one another, "and that is one of the things that I love the most about you, but Santana looks happy and we are no longer kids in high school. We should let her make her own decisions regarding her love life and if things don't go as planned, all we can do is be there for her, right?"

"Of course" I kissed her before the bell rang and Quinn's eyebrows rose. She was literally shaking with anticipation.

"Here they are, play nice" she kissed me again before leaving to answer the door.

Of course I was going to play nice, that was the plan all along until the second I saw her and instantly hated her that is.

"Jessica thought it'd be thoughtful if we brought wine, so here" Santana handed me a bottle of red wine as Jessica turned ten shades of red which was funny and she looked like a tomato because she was a red hair. "I tried to tell her it was cool because I know you guys since we were in diapers but she insisted"

"Forgive Santana. She tends to divert the attention to someone else when she's nervous. It was a nice gesture, thank you Jessica" Quinn was the one who finally spoke while I glared at the beautiful but yet, ugliest woman I've ever seen. The thing is that she wasn't actually ugly at all. She was gorgeous.

"This is Jessica, my girlfriend" Santana introduced, her eyes not even once meeting mine before she turned towards the red hair to say, "and this is Rachel Fabray, Quinn's wife"

"It's so nice to meet you" she stretched her hand and I finally came out of my shock induced state and shook her hand as formal as I could.

"Nice to meet you as well"

"I've heard so much about you, and your apartment is lovely"

"Thank you, I'd like to say that I've heard about you but don't worry, we'll get to know each other during dinner"

"I saw you twice on Broadway. You were fantastic" Jessica said and I almost asked her if she was kidding but Santana cut in for her.

"We went to see you on closing night"

"Why didn't you stick around?"

"We had dinner reservations and we didn't want to impose" Jessica said before Santana kissed her cheek and Quinn took the bottle of wine from my hands.

"Thank you for going anyway" she said politely, "now go on to the dining room, we'll just pick the salad and sauce and join you in a second"

"Thank God because I'm starving" Santana loudly announced and as we moved to the kitchen I could hear Jessica chastising her about manners. It was adorable to be honest but I couldn't get over the fact that I instantly disliked her.

"Come back to me" Quinn whispered in my ear as soon as we entered the kitchen. She kissed my cheek and neck in an attempt to cheer me up for no apparent reason.

"I'm right here" I turned in her arms and kissed her properly.

"So, do we hate her or do we love her?" she cutely asked me as I picked up the sauce and she grabbed four glasses from the counter.

"She's not bad" I shrugged and she chuckled. "What?"

"I love you, baby but you're not a good liar"

"What?"

"We hate her, right? She doesn't seem that great and I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt before I make my final choice but for the moment she's stepping behind the red line, right?"

"I love you" I kissed her once more before we left the kitchen to join Santana and Jessica at the dining room.

And try I did but that friendship never really took off and the thing is that she wasn't half bad either. She was funny, caring, thoughtful and most of all, very supportive of Santana's career as a lawyer.

…

I was eight months pregnant when they finally did it. Quinn, Santana, Max and John finally opened their firm and it was a running business. They were barely getting out there but it was no longer a dream, it was happening and you can only imagine the excitement we all experimented the day they finally got their first case on the bag.

Quinn called to let me know that they were on their way to our apartment and I barely got time to change from my pajamas by the time they arrived. I couldn't even see my feet and I was bigger than normal since I was pregnant with twins.

"Welcome" my greeting went almost unnoticed and I quickly realized that all of them were simply hyperactive but Quinn ran towards me and kissed the living lights out of me.

"We got our first deal, baby. We're representing a construction company on a big fight against some dealers that aren't paying and all in all, it's huge and we're so happy!"

"That's great, baby" her excitement was contagious and I was quickly smiling just as big as she was.

"I'll be able to buy that house in not time with this deal, sweetheart. I promise" she kissed me one more time before we followed everyone into our living room where Santana had already opened a bottle of champagne and was currently passing glasses.

The apartment only had two bedrooms, counting the master one and Quinn and I had previously agreed that the twins needed their own space to grow up into to develop their individuality, so we had been discussing buying a house ever since the first sonogram pictures were in our hands.

"Here's to us" Santana said rising her glass and wrapping an arm around Jessica's waist. "I always knew we would make it, I didn't imagine it would happen so early in life but hey! I'm not complaining!" we all laughed at the true of her statement and Quinn held me from behind and Santana looked at us with a sincere smile on her lips, "here's to our future and to our little firm"

"To keep growing" John said.

"And to keep us from starvation!" Max finished and they all drank up their champagne.

Everyone was so happy, Quinn was static and I was so proud of her because she had worked so hard to get them the deal, she had done the impossible to get their names out there, to get them recommended and now all her efforts were being recognized.

"I am so proud of you" I kissed the corner of her lips and watched her smile.

"That means everything to me. Everything I do it's for you, for our family" her hand was already resting on my belly and she kissed my lips tenderly. "I love you so much"

"I love you too."

I felt, more than I saw Santana staring at us. They had drunk four bottles of champagne and one of vodka already and John was passed out in the loveseat as Max kept singing along to a Nirvana song softly playing on the stereo.

Quinn had navigated her way towards the stereo with the intention of changing the music and Jessica was sitting right next to her, offering her opinion and input; and Santana came to sit beside me.

"How are you feeling?" she motioned towards my belly and I placed my hands on top of my boys, who were acting more playful than ever that night, as if they could feel the excitement of their parents.

"A little more tired than usual but nothing I can't handle"

"Maybe you should go and lie down, it's two in the morning already" she was drunk, her eyes kept dropping shut but she managed to open them up each time.

"I could tell you the same thing"

"You look so beautiful right now" she blurted out and I froze but Quinn wasn't listening, she was having a serious conversation with Jessica about Nirvana against the Foo Fighters.

"I am so proud of the two of you"

"You're the only reason why we both try so hard, y'know?" she was dragging her words but I could understand everything she was saying.

I hadn't dueled on anything that had to do with Santana since the day I met Jessica and having her telling me just that simple sentence made everything so confusing and unreal again.

"Hey, San?" Quinn was also drunk, drunker than I have ever seen her, "tell your girlfriend that Nirvana's awesomeness is not up for discussion, please"

"Baby, Nirvana's great. Don't say otherwise" Santana dutifully said and I chuckled at the horrified expression on Jessica's face.

"You are so no getting any tonight" she took the pack of cigars from Quinn's hands and walked out to the balcony.

"Quinn, I'll fuck you up if you don't fix that" Santana threatened while my wife held her stomach as a new set of laughter erupted from her.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll fix it" she followed Jessica to the balcony and for a moment I thought of stopping her because I knew she would take a drag or two. Quinn wasn't a heavy smoker but if she ever got the change to steal a drag she would without thinking it twice.

It happened so quickly. I was listening to Santana tell me some story about Kurt Cobain and then watching her fall sleep, and then I was blinded by pain.

It had happened before, when one of the twins kicked my already bruised ribs or my pelvis but the pain I felt in that moment was different, harder, blinding.

"Quinn?" I called her name. She was only outside in the balcony. "Quinn?" and then I couldn't hold it anymore and screamed my agony.

"What's going on?" I could see how she sobered up in front of me as soon as she knelt by my side but there was something else in her eyes, something I couldn't recognize.

"It hurts" I cried and the pain threw me down, I couldn't take it. I felt like I was being ripped out. "Something's wrong with the babies, Quinn. We have to go to the hospital."

As she stood up I saw her stumbling around until she found her cellphone on the coffee table and pushed a bottom.

"Are they coming?"

"I don't know, it's too soon. I'm only entering my eighth month, Quinn."

She sat still for a moment. She blinked and I watched as she looked around until her eyes found me and she shook her head before she knelt in front of me again.

"The Doctor said this could happen, remember? She said that twins tend to come a little earlier, that if this happens you need to stay in control, calm down, yeah?"

"We need to go, now!"

"Who do I call?" she raised the phone and Jessica finally entered the living room. I didn't understand how Santana could still be asleep after how many times I'd screamed.

"Deep breaths" Jessica told me, without needing for a confirmation of what was happening. "Shit, your wife is wasted and I can't carry you to the car. I'll call your dads."

Quinn stared at Jessica with resentment in her eyes as the red hair took the phone from her hands and called my daddy. Something had happened between them and Quinn was incredibly eerie of her the whole ride to the hospital when my daddy picked us up.

I remember bright lights and shouting, most of it coming from Quinn and the next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital room.

Nothing was ever the same after that night.

Gabriel and Samuel were definitely the new loves of my life and Quinn's but there was something that prevented my wife from being herself and I knew it but I couldn't bring myself to ask what.

My dads, who had moved to New York months before my wedding were happier than ever with their first grandkids and life was only getting better with them around.

It took six months of growing tension between Quinn and I for her to finally break. We were having dinner, the boys were down for the night and Quinn had just gotten home from work. I couldn't take the expression on her face anymore, it looked like she was suffering and I wanted to know why. I wanted to help.

"You're quiet tonight" I noticed and she looked up, tried to smile and when she couldn't she just dropped her fork on the table and looked away. "Quinn? What is going on? There's something you're keeping from me."

Out of all the things that I expected to hear that night, what she actually said wasn't one of them.

"Did you and Santana hook up in high school?"

"No" my voice was lower than usual and I could literally feel the color being drained from my face.

"When we were in the University then?"

"No" I denied and she threw her napkin to the floor as hard as she could and stood up from her chair.

"When was it, then?" she spit out the words and tears rolled down my cheeks without my permission. They were as bad as admitting to her well placed accusation. "Fuck" she gasped, her voice cracking and sobs ripping through her. "Fuck, Rachel. Fuck!"

She came towards my chair and trapped me in it with her hands on each side of it. She was crying, shaking but desperately trying to stay in control. "Why did you do it? Why with Santana? Was it just sex or… what?" she scrunched up her nose, like the thought alone disgusted her to no end and it probably did.

"Quinn, baby"

"Answered the damn question!" she shoved the chair I was sitting on before grabbing a hold of my shirt and pulling me up to my feet.

"What was it?" she asked through greeted teeth. The look on her eyes was wild, like she was a new person completely. I didn't recognize her.

"I'm so sorry" I cried harder and it was then when she slapped me for the first time.

I fell to the ground, confused and so utterly hurt. I felt my cheek burning but I knew that I hadn't caught on fire. Quinn had slapped me before I kissed the ground.

It took her a second, just one second to realize what she had done and she was right on the floor with me, pulling me up and brushing my busted lip with her thumb.

"God! I'm so sorry, Rachel. I'm so sorry, I should have never done that, ever. I'm so sorry. I'm so stupid."

And that night it was also the night when I made the worst decision I've ever done in my life.

"It's okay" I said, justifying her action with anger. I had cheated on her and kept it a secret and all I could think about was the she had every right to be mad and she did, she just didn't have the right to hit me and it should have counted.

"It's not alright" she was crying even harder when I was the only bleeding. "I should have never done that, ever"

"It was the night the baby was born" I blurted out and she focused on me, "she was hurting, devastated and it all happened so fast that I barely had the chance to blink before it was done and I had cheated on you. I don't love her, not like that and there is nothing that I regret more in this life"

"She gave a speech in our wedding reception. She was my best man!"

"I'm so sorry"

"This is all her because you love me, right? You love me?" she desperately asked me to clarify.

"Of course, I love you and I need you to forgive me, please"

It was sick, we were both sick and I didn't see it, I couldn't. "Only if you forgive me for hitting you. It will never happen again, I was caught up in the moment. God! I will never, ever do it again"

"I understand"

"Don't ever leave me, I love you."

We made love that night until the boys woke up and we said 'I love you' countless of times but I knew nothing will ever the same and I wasn't mistaken.

**...**


	9. Seven years ago

_Someone only has the power to control you if you let them…_

_Chapter 8_

_Seven years ago_

…

Going through painful memories is the hardest thing you can ever do on your own, especially when they feel like an attack instead of snapshots from your life.

I admit to have regrets but nothing compares with the burden of ever having told Quinn that I forgave her for that slap six months ago.

I was living a nightmare and I wasn't waking up any time soon.

She was angry, hurt and completely out of control. I hadn't seen my dads in a couple of months claiming that I've been busy, that I already had plans with my wife, that the twins were sick and I needed to stay home but everything always went down to the fact that I didn't want them to see me because I was pretty sure that they wouldn't have recognized me. I couldn't even recognize myself.

The last time I saw Santana or Jessica was the day before Quinn confronted me about Santana. I thought she meant it, when she apologized but that had been six months ago and I was currently lying on the floor, my body felt heavy and the smell of blood was so vivid that I knew I was going to be sick.

My eyelids felt extremely dense, I had to try a couple of times before I was able to realize that I was in the hallway just outside our bedroom. My lips felt raw and I dreaded to have to look in the mirror but eventually I had to stand up, wincing all the way and relying on the wall to not fall back on the floor. My white pajama top was splashed with blood, my hair was sticking to my face and shoulders from where it had gotten wet from the red liquid and my wrists were painted in horrible shades of green, purple and red.

I remembered her dragging me outside by pulling my hair and throwing me against the wall where I finally lost balance and fell to the floor where she had her fun by kicking me until I passed out, I guess; I couldn't remember anything else anyway.

I felt devastated, angry with myself for not having the strength to defend fight back and scared out of my mind because my children had been sleeping just one door away.

I didn't know what to do, how to react, where to go, who to talk to. My dads were out of the question because I didn't want them getting involved into something that they didn't need to know, it would have only broken their hearts to the point of no repair. Santana would most likely have killed Quinn before she even cleared her head to think straight, so I couldn't tell her either.

I was alone, no one could help me.

I threw the top into the garbage can and got into the shower where the scolding water did little to take away the shame that was covering me whole.

I couldn't believe that she could do something as vicious as hitting me and then leaving me unconscious in the middle of our hallway. I couldn't understand how she could be so evil with me and a completely different person with our kids minutes later.

I still had faith in her though and that faith wasn't going anywhere. It didn't help that every night she still held me as if I were the most important thing in her life or that she always woke me up with a kiss on my cheek and murmured a soft good morning in my ear before we started our routines.

I knew she was still in there, I knew she was blinded by rage that in a way had nothing to do with me. What I didn't know was how to help myself or what to do when she exploded.

I was tired of crying but too afraid to ask for help even though I knew very well that we needed it.

Laughter from the boys' room caught my attention and I was reminded of why I was still with Quinn, waiting until she realized that we could have overcome anything.

Samuel was standing in his crib, holding onto the rails for support and mumbling something away as Gabe sat in the middle of his own crib with Teddy in his lap and listening to his brother carefully.

"Ma!" Gabe raised his Teddy bear at my direction and Sam started to jump in his place. For one year olds they were incredibly perceptive and knew exactly when I needed them to be quiet and calm which was exactly the case that morning.

As I changed my boys out from their pajamas the image of Quinn and her bloody knuckles didn't leave my mind and every time I closed my eyes I could see her fist coming to my face. The image never left my mind and it actually became a constant flashback that would hit me at the least expected moments.

Gabriel had a perfect replica of Quinn's hazel eyes, although his stare was always softer, warmer, it reminded me of the girl I loved back in high school; Samuel's eyes were a bit darker, although green as well and he was always more hyperactive than Gabriel.

They were learning how to walk and often fell backwards on their bottoms as I cleaned the house that we had bought by the time they turned eight months old. Looking at them I knew that if anything could help Quinn with her issues and give me the necessary strength to stay was them. The two little boys that Quinn and I had made together.

…

There is always a realizing point for each person when they know that faith is not all they need to get going. For soccer players is when they hit a certain age and they know their careers are over, that they have to look for alternatives; for a student is the slow motion sound of a teacher's voice telling them that that was their last chance and for every business women and men out there is the cold like shower they get when their accountants tell them that they are bankrupt.

My cold shower realization came one night.

It was two in the morning and like every other wife I was concerned about my wife's whereabouts. She never missed dinner and that night she didn't come home. As the time went by I realized that dinner was a silent ritual that she never wanted to miss and that night she wasn't home, her phone was off and I didn't have anyone to call.

I knew I shouldn't care, that's what everyone would have told me but she was my wife and I just wanted her home for the night.

When the car tires scraped the floor outside the front door I knew she had been drinking and for a very brief moment I wanted to lock myself in our boys' bedroom and leave her to manage on her own, but I knew better.

She wasn't a drunkard, she often didn't need the bust of alcohol to do as she pleased but when she drank it was nothing but torture.

I was shaking even before she opened the door with her keys and then threw away her jacket and belongings to the couch. She looked at me and pursed her lips before passing by me and into the kitchen.

"Where were you?" I asked and waited until she drank a second glass of water before she turned to face me.

"Out"

"Did you eat anything?"

"A couple of things you wouldn't like to know" she smirked and sat down on the table. I tried my best to ignore the sudden dagger that pocked at my heart but it was difficult.

"I saved your dinner"

"Not hungry" she dismissed me and looked away towards the pictures lining the wall on the corridor. There was one picture of our wedding, my dad and her mother as well and even Santana was beside my daddy. Quinn's eyes were locked on that picture.

"Do you ever think about high school?" she wasn't looking at me when she asked the question.

"Of course"

"If you could change something, anything from back then, what would you change?"

She stretched her arms on the wooden table and looked at me with glassy and curious eyes. "I would have dressed differently"

"I liked you clothes" she smiled and took a deep breath. "I would change a lot of things"

I knew that for whatever reason she felt like talking, which hadn't happened in so long to the point where I was missing her when she slept by my side every night, so I asked.

"Like what?"

"Like, I would have broken up with Liz before things got so complicated. Before she had the chance to discover so much, but she was just so nosy. I would have thrown my father out of our house before he sent my mom to the hospital that night. I would have spent more time with Charlotte and I wouldn't have been such a dick with all the losers in there either, y'know?"

She never spoke about her father in that way, she never mentioned him or what he did. I was curious and wanted to know more.

"Did you throw him out?" I tentatively asked and she met my eyes.

"When I was sixteen I was no longer weak or short. I grew up faster than he anticipated. It was cool the way one morning I woke up an inch taller than him, my arms no longer thin and weak looking. That night in the hospital, when they said my mom had internal bleeding and two of her ribs broken, I punched him in the nose so hard and he bleed almost immediately that I didn't stop. It felt _so good_ to hit him and I didn't stop until some lame ass guard took me away and dear old Russell was taken to the emergency room. He went to jail after that and the guard didn't mention that I had hit him to the cops."

The air left my body so quickly that I almost passed out for lack of it but she didn't seem the least affected by the memory, she seemed to hold onto it with passion. She was proud for what she'd done.

"One of the police officers had been a friend of my mom in high school and he took my declaration while Russell was having his eye stitched up"

"And Charlotte?" at the mention of her sister, Quinn sat up and looked down to the floor. She was out of herself and I knew that she would have never told me any of it if she had been sober.

"She was in the hospital too. Russell smacked her and left her unconscious on the floor before I could get home. They were keeping her until the next day to make sure that she didn't have any concussions but she…"

She started crying, the tears fell effortlessly down her cheeks and she looked physically pained.

"She hated me" she swallowed and looked back up, "it wasn't my fault that Russell always hit her and not me. I hated him just as much but the fucking bastard didn't hate me back!"

Her voice echoed around the first floor and I was glad that the twins' room was upstairs. I started shaking immediately but she didn't even stand up, she just sat staring at me and bailing her hands into tight fists.

"I never wanted to be like him"

"You're not"

She ran to my side, so fast that for a moment I expected the slap but it never came and when I opened my eyes I found her kneeling of my feet. I was out of breath.

"Things shouldn't be this way. Rachel, please. Don't let me become my father, you have to help me, please"

My heart broke at the sight of her. She wasn't mean, she wasn't evil, she was sick but I didn't see it that way and I should have.

"What do I need to do?"

"You need to go, leave. Leave me, leave me alone. I deserve to be alone; don't let me do this to you."

There, that was my moment. That was the moment where I should have taken her advice, take my children and leave. Tell my dads what happened and let them protect me, she gave me that chance. She was drunk and she wasn't going to remember anything in the morning but she gave me the opportunity and I should have taken it.

But I didn't and I ended up doing something so much worse. "I have faith in you" I said and kissed her salty lips.

"You shouldn't"

"I love you"

"And I love _you_ but this is not me and you should go. Sometimes I don't feel like myself. I don't know if I'm real or not and I'm scared for the things that I think I'm able to do to you and you shouldn't be here when I lose control"

"You haven't?" my own voice chocked out the question and I for a moment pure fear enveloped me whole. If she hasn't lost control then what has been happening.

She shook her head fast. "Of course not."

She was falling sleep, her head kept losing balance, her eyes looked heavier than before and I still couldn't take the opportunity she was giving me, "will you try?"

"Try what?"

"To change"

"I'm not the whore that slept with my wife's best friend, y'know? If anyone deserves a few punches around here that's you, not me."

Then it occurred to me that she was right. I deserved punishment for what I had done and I didn't have any right to think differently because I have been the one that broke her heart. High school didn't count, now we were adults, we were married and Elizabeth was only a stain of the past.

"I'm sorry"

"You should be!" she screamed and then laughed in my face. "You are a fucking coward but you are my wife, and contrary to your beliefs I do love you and our kids are still the best gift you've given me. If there is a reason why I get out of bed every morning and deal with fucking delinquents daily is because of you and our family. Because I want the best for us, for them"

"Do you remember Jessica?" she suddenly asked and I nodded my answer, she was sat on the floor, her hands back on the carpet holding her weight as she stared at me with an evil smirk on her lips.

"She was the one who told me about you and Santana. She made some comment about how different things would be if you would have stayed with her. The bitch thought I knew about you two, she is the reason why all of this started. It was the night you went into labor and we were out in the balcony having a smoke."

I remembered the night like it was yesterday. The look in Quinn's eyes, the way she pulled away ever since then. It took her six months to confront me about it, six months to explode.

"I'm sorry" I cried out of fear more than anything else.

"She broke up with Santana today. I don't want to take credit here but I might have said something that made her reconsidered her relationship with my dear old _best friend_" just the way she spoke the words sent a shiver down my back, "it was hilarious. The look on your lover's face when fire-crotch dumped her after a meeting in the afternoon"

"You did what?" but she was laughing.

"It was hilarious, really. You should have seen it and well, at least I won't have to see her ugly face around the office anymore and I already have a new secretary in mind anyway"

"Quinn, are you listening to yourself right now?"

"I just told you the story, didn't I?"

"Quinn, this is wrong."

She stood up, gripping the armchairs and snarled in my face so low that I would have rather hear her scream. "I haven't done anything wrong here. I got rid of the fucking idiot that fucked up my marriage before it even began or wait, that wasn't exactly her, was it darling?"

She pulled me to my feet, her fingers digging in my arms as she threw me inside of the living room to the carpeted floor and took out her belt. I knew instantly what she was about to do as she folded the black belt in half and raised her arm.

The sting of the leather in my bare legs was even worse than her slaps but she only got me twice before she fell to her knees and started crying harder than I was. She sobbed, heaved and begged me to forgive her with her arms around my body.

I didn't leave, I didn't deny her when she wanted to make love after, I didn't even have to fake any emotions when she repeated that she loved me, over and over again until we fell asleep in our bed.

…

We were shopping one morning, truly invested in trying for shoes and little ties for the twins, smiles everywhere that should have been telling enough. It was a holyday, the day before July 4th, I remember it was a weekend.

After lunch we went grocery shopping as a last stop before heading home for the day. We were supposed to spend the 4th in Mark's house the next day.

I recognized her immediately. Santana was standing in the butcher section, watching her options and I only looked away from her when Gabriel pulled my sweater from his seat in the shopping cart.

Quinn's eyes were glowing with fury as she lifted Sam in her arms for him to pick the Froot loops and then sat him beside his brother.

"Hey, what a nice surprise!" Santana was only carrying a couple of things in her hands as she approached us.

"I didn't know you shopped here" Quinn tightly said.

"Lighten up Q, is a grocery store. God! They have gotten so big since the last time I saw them!"

She immediately asked if she could pick up Gabe and in seconds Gabriel was hugging her close. She wasn't exaggerating at all. I hadn't seen her in four months by the time we met at the grocery store.

"How you've been?" she asked, her smile as sincere as always, as clueless as well. "I haven't seen you in ages" her hand came to rest on my forearm.

"I've been great, I'm sure Quinn keeps you well informed" I stepped back, the warmth of her palm already being missed as I moved closer to my wife.

I remember thinking how clear the message was being delivered. I was moving away from Santana to go and stand beside Quinn. I was choosing her, like I always have and I wanted my wife to see it.

"She is a pain in the office, _Gabriel this and Samuel that_" she said with a noisy voice, trying to tease Quinn who blushed a little before shoving Santana playfully and started to push the cart with Santana by her side. It was in that moment that I realized that even though she hated what happened between me and Santana, she had problems with hating Santana herself. She had told me several times in that past how she considered the brunette more than a friend, a sister.

"Don't start and join us for some grocery shopping."

Santana was still a good friend but Quinn didn't see it that way anymore anyway, I didn't blame her; I blamed myself.

It was a nice afternoon, Santana's humor always managed to lighten up whatever mood anyone was in and it wasn't any different with me, us. The twins loved her, of course. She was the cool aunt, even if they didn't see her as much as they were supposed to.

It wasn't until later, when we were eating dinner that I was roughly pulled out of my fantasies.

"Do you remember Liz?" Quinn suddenly asked, the fork only inches away from her lips with a piece of newly cut red meet in it.

"What's her last name?" she chewed and drank from her glass of water before meeting my eyes again.

"Elizabeth Mace?" her eyebrow was raised, a pleased smirk forming on the corner of her lips as my blood ran cold, "remember her?"

Flawless face, brown and blue eyes, long wavy brown hair, cheerleader in High school: Of course I remembered her.

"Your ex-girlfriend, Liz?" I was done eating, the smile on her face making me less than hungry.

"That's the one" she pointed a finger at me while holding the glass of water.

"Why would you ask me that?"

"She's in the city, came by the office looking for a job a few weeks ago. Haven't heard from her since but it was so nice to see her."

It was obvious that there wasn't a good reason for her to be prying information like that and I wanted so desperately to hear more.

"Was it?" I sounded like a crazy jealous wife and I didn't know if that was how I wanted to feel.

Of course whatever I felt quickly vanished when she stood up and paced the dining room with her hands pocket deep into her suit designer pants as she got closer to me.

"I didn't hear that. What did you say?"

"No-nothing" I stuttered as she finally took hold of the armchairs on my sides and spoon me around to face her, a tactic she was a master at.

"Sure, I fucked Liz in the past but you don't see me throwing a jealous fit every time that you see Santana, or do I?"

"N-no but I never dated her"

"Of course you didn't" her knuckles were turning white around the wood as she greeted her teeth at me, "you just opened your legs for her, gave her a pity fuck while I was in the other end of the City."

Her hand was cold as it wrapped around my neck, her fingers dug into my skin as breathing became difficult.

"Was she good?" the good, same old question that always came up when she was feeling especially sentimental.

"You're hurting me"

"But baby, that's the whole propose of this."

I heard the boys laughing and remembered that they were in the living room carpet playing with their toys. She couldn't hurt me when the twins were close, she never had.

"Quinn" I held onto her wrist as she moved us to the kitchen.

"Is she bigger than me? You really like freaks, don't you? What is it about her? Is the cheap latin accent that pushed you to your fours or was it the lame stupid jokes?"

"The boys, Quinn" I cried.

"They're fine" I was pushed against the counter as my boys laughed louder and the sound of their little cars crashing filled my ears. They couldn't see us. They didn't know.

Her kisses weren't rough; her hands still held the same softness as they always did but they did no longer caressed me or waited for long or even approval. My shorts and panties were discarded quickly and her pants pushed down to her knees. It was madness. It was an impulse that pushed her towards this every time Santana came into discussion.

"Do you love me?" she asked in my ear, her hands on my breasts as she squeezed lightly.

"Yes" I breathed out.

"Then why did you let her touch you?"

She pushed away from me, turned me around and bent me over. My cheek was pressed against the cool titles of the island when she pushed inside of me without as much as a hint.

"The kids" I said but I was only trying to stop her. I could still hear them laughing in the living room as the sound of our thighs clapping together mixed with the beautiful sound of their laughter. She never took a few minutes, never let me go without finishing and she never stopped until I was exclaiming my pure pleasure as well.

I could feel her running down my inner thighs as she picked up her pants and tucked herself in.

"Did you enjoy it?" her voice was hoarse as she helped me turn around.

"Yes, only you" I was breathless, my mouth was dry and I started to feel the sweet pain she always left pulsating between my legs.

Her eyes unfocused again. "Did you come with her?"

"Quinn" I pleaded but she pushed me against the wall and punched the counter beside me.

"You are such a _whore_, Rachel."

I remember the sting in my cheek, falling down and watching the room spin but I don't remember the impact or how I ever got to the couch after.

…

Lessons. You learn in your house, in school, in your jobs, even your friends sometimes help with educating you but you never expect to be seated in front of you wife while she teaches you how to survive.

The boys were spending the weekend with my parents while I gathered a few couple of bruises to hide.

"Please" you also never expect to be crying in front of your wife like a child.

"You see" but she was enjoying it too much, revealing in the power she held over me. "Pleading won't get you anywhere today, love"

"Please, Quinn" I sobbed as she entered the bathroom and came out holding a wet hand towel.

"Come here" she grabbed my wrists and pulled me up from the floor where I had been lying. She picked me up effortlessly, like I weighted nothing. It always surprised me how strong she was, how she had no problem at all to pick me up like a ragdoll and do with me what she pleased.

"Please" she sat me on the edge of our bed, her toned arms and abdomen in view as she wore only her underwear. I was terrified, I didn't recognize her and wanted her gone. I wanted to run.

"I'm just saying, Rachel. These are things that should have come with the wife package, right? I mean, it's not that hard to keep things in the right place and windows clean and stuff. This is your _job_, I bring the money and you keep this house together, right?"

"Right" I shook, my entire body shook as she cleaned my face with the wet towel.

"So" she left her opened palms fall on my thighs making me jump and caused a few more tears to spill, "what have we learned today?" she smiled widely.

"Clean" I cried, humiliated.

"That's right, what else?"

"Ans-ans-ans-wer"

"Good girl" she cooed me and kissed my chin before lifting it up to wipe my tears with her fingers. "Things could be worse" she said and kissed me softly.

"You're insane" I spitted out but she smiled and kissed me again.

"Don't you just love what you've made of me?" the smile on her lips was terrifying by that point.

"I did-didn't do this you"

"But you did. We were fine until you decided to send everything to hell, remember?" she veered her head to the right and took a deep breath as guilt washed over me completely.

I wasn't good enough for her, therefore I couldn't be enough for anyone and it scared me to death because she was everything I had, the only person that loved me like that. I couldn't lose her.

"But I love you and that's why I'm here with you" she cupped my face and kissed my busted lip.

"I love you too"

"I know, I know."

That night I couldn't sleep which didn't surprise me at all. Sleep wasn't a common occurrence anymore but that night was different because she wasn't in bed with me and her side of the mattress was cold.

I kicked the covers and got out of bed, I heard soft murmuring coming from down the hall and even though red flags were waving all over me, I got closer until I could hear Quinn's side of the conversation in the studio.

"_Russell always said this would happen"_ she cried, her cellphone tightly pressed against her ear.

"_But it is true! Can't you see?", "I know, I know. God! I know but I can't stop", "She fucking hates me, how could she not?"; "I'm sorry, I won't curse again. I'm sorry but understand me, please. Tell me what to do"; "And bare my soul out to some stranger? No! I won't do that, I'm not mental!"; "This is not going anywhere. I didn't call you to judge me, damn it! I'm asking for… Fuck!" _

She listened to the other end for a while and then threw the phone on the chair behind her desk. I moved away from the door and made my way back to the master bedroom as quietly as I could and got under the covers again.

I laid with my face halfway under the pillow and when she came inside she didn't get in bed right away, instead she watched me sleep. I could feel her eyes on me as I willed myself to keep my breathing even.

"Why do you let me do this?" she whispered before her soft fingers touched my chin, right above a fresh bruise.

She didn't sleep that night and as she held me close to her chest I didn't either. I didn't know who she was talking to but she was obviously talking about us with that person. She never mentioned her mother anything other than how happy we were and she hasn't spoken with Charlotte for years.

The question remained for a long time and when I finally discovered who she was talking to that night it didn't go so well for me.

…

_Happy New Year! May 2015 bring greatness for all of you beautiful lovelies. _


	10. Six years ago

_Chapter 9_

_Six years ago_

…

Sex became her first priority. She didn't go a night without touching me and on the days I was slapped for some reason sex didn't end until either one of us fell asleep on top of the other.

I wanted to say no many times but the fear of her wrath never let me do it. Of course I knew it wasn't her need to be with me what was making her come to our bed like that every night, it was something else, something deeper, and something that she didn't let me see.

The nights were no longer cold and unsure, I didn't have the energy to stay awake but the mornings weren't getting any better. She was constantly on edge, snapping at every little thing, came home irritated and left always in a hurry. She wasn't even spending any quality time with the twins and when she was home it was always late and they were already asleep.

She seemed to hate everything about the house, finding mistakes and misplacements in every corner and demanding excellence from me when I was doing my best to keep her satisfied.

I was exhausted, physically and emotionally.

"What is this?" I remember her tone with sadistic clarity because I still shudder with the memory of her voice.

She had just run her index finger on the stereo counter and was showing me her dusty fingertip waiting for an explanation.

"I must have missed it this morning" I pathetically explained.

"Of course you did or else it wouldn't be there, would it?"

"I'll get it" I took a cloth and moved passed the empty crib in the middle of the living room to where she was standing.

I hated what she was doing but I feared her more than anything. With my head hung low and dignity beneath my feet I cleaned the dust while she stared at me.

"Was that so hard to do? Is dusting such a hard task for you?" I knew better than to answer so I stayed quiet.

Just when her hands made contact with my arms I closed my eyes and imagined a different scenario but that didn't stop me from feeling every hit, I heard every word and I definitely felt the titles of the kitchen counter against my forehead but I didn't open my eyes, I didn't want to remember.

I remember lying in bed that night, wrapped in her arms as she slept away, I remember thinking that I couldn't do it anymore. I remember the defeat calling my name, begging me to drop the towel and walk out alive while I still could. I remember finally deciding that I needed to divorce her and how the word alone was enough to break me to a complete new level.

It wasn't difficult to contact my fathers' lawyer, although I shook through the entire interview and barely told her anything. However she was very intuitive and understood what I wanted without prying for much, which I was grateful for.

Something wasn't right and I knew it the second week I woke up in the middle of the night feeling nauseas and making a run for the bathroom. Quinn would only look at me with a frown before offering me her arms as consolation for midnight sickness. The only reason I can come up with for her to offer me any consolation at all was that maybe deep down inside she felt as if she was making me sick and couldn't deal with that.

The papers were almost done, the initial citation was about to be delivered when I visited my doctor and confirmed that I was pregnant.

I felt like I was walking on a dream and I couldn't wake up, wouldn't. What was I was going to do with another baby and no wife? With no one to support me? I knew that no one was going to love me like Quinn did. No one was going to be patient enough or forgiving enough to bear with me. She was all I had and I needed her more than I feared her.

I dropped the boys with my dads, cooked Quinn's favorite and waited until she got home from work. She was as irritated as she had been the last couple of months and her irritation only grew when she looked at my sore face.

"You know how happy it makes me to come home and see your solemn face every night?"

"I have something to tell you" her eyes visibly widen as she took her seat on the head of the table and I couldn't recognize the look, I didn't know what she was feeling although the fear shouldn't have been that hard to point out.

"What is it?" she doubly asked.

"I went to the doctor today" her shoulders tensed and she looked down. I didn't know what went through her head or why but she looked pained, terrified. Her hands shook.

"Why did go to the doctor?"

"I'm pregnant."

…

Things were starting to get better. Her attitude was changing and her behavior was turning around. Slowly, she went back to be the girl I fell in love with and stumbling I fell back in love with her.

If I close my eyes I can still see her smiling face as she touched my belly with nothing but adoration shining in her light eyes. She cried out of pure excitement before she kissed me.

"We have to tell my mom" she declared, reaching for the phone in the coffee table, "or should we call your dads first? They'll freak out, maybe we should tell them in person."

I admit that I was paralyzed and didn't offer her much at the moment but I hadn't seen her happy in so long and suddenly she was static, I had done something right for once.

"Maybe we can cook dinner and have them over tomorrow, what do you say?"

"Yeah, sure" I nodded, surprised that she would even suggest having my dads over.

"Let's call my mom then" but she was already dialing and pushing the speaker bottom on so we could both deliver the news.

"_Hello?_" Judy sounded agitated but Quinn was too excited to notice.

"Mom, we have great news!" she announced and my mother in law laughed lightly.

"_Is that so_?"

"Hi, Judy. Are you alright? You sound a little out of breath" she was the only mothering figure I had in my life and I loved her with all my heart, I still do.

"_Hi, sweetheart. I came running from the kitchen, the years are being cruel to me_"

"Nonsense"

"_What is this great news_?"

"Rachel is pregnant mom!" the smile in Quinn's face wasn't going anywhere and her lips pressed on my cheek like she was drunk with happiness and couldn't contain it within herself. Judy didn't speak for a few seconds and that was enough to worry my wife.

"Mom? Are you there?"

"_Yes, I'm sorry honey. That is in fact great news, congratulations_" but she didn't sound excited at all.

"Are you okay, mom?"

"_Of course I am! It would be amazing if you have a little girl, Quinn. Wouldn't it_?" it was forced, I could tell but Quinn was smiling again, too happy to notice.

"Yes, mom. Rachel and I have talked about it and it would be amazing but I'll be happy either way."

As they continued talking, I realized that Quinn didn't pick up Judy's hesitation at all and it made me think about how much the older blond really knew about our marriage.

…

While I was enjoying the peace that the pregnancy brought to my life another issue raised out of nowhere. Samuel was speaking and everyday he learned a new word, he was playful and energetic all the time, but Gabriel was not.

We had taken him to the doctor since all I could think of was that something could be physically wrong with him and to be honest it was starting to scare me but he was as healthy as any one year old was supposed to be, medically speaking. We were recommended a psychologist but after one session the mystery was solved, there was absolutely nothing wrong with him.

The doctor said our son wasn't that much of a talker therefore our sudden conclusions, our boy was just quiet but with Samuel by his side, who in deed has a hyperactive mood to this day, he was a little overshadowed by his twin's energy levels.

I didn't stop worrying though, so I always made the effort to take the two of them wherever I went with the hope that he would speak a little more, interact a little more.

Quinn took it upon herself to help our little boy as well. She was always home by five in the afternoon and she dedicated all her time to talk to him and ask him questions, trying to get him to talk more than just one word at the time, and with time he started to talk but he only talked to her and Samuel and it worried me.

There weren't many occasions where he would talk to me and although Quinn always made an effort for him to include me in their little conversations he never really spoke directly to me and for months I had to stand back and let my wife be our son's best friend.

"Momma?" we were walking up the stairs to my dads' apartment when he tug at my dress and called my name.

"What is it, honey?" his eyes were frantic but he only hid behind my leg as the door swung open and my daddy greeted us.

"Pa!" Samuel instantly jumped into his arms.

"Hey there, champ? What you got there?"

"Ion man!"

Daddy kissed my cheek before he took Sam inside and I picked Gabe in my arms. I knew he didn't want to be there and all he wanted to do was to be with Quinn but we were both afraid that he could only talk to her and the doctor had warned us about developing dependency tendencies so we became a little pushier into having other people in his life as well.

"Mommy?" he asked in my ear as he held me close.

"She'll pick us up later, baby"

"Nap" his voice cracked but he wasn't crying, he was such a young adult for his age. He was an observant, quietly analyzing everything around him.

My dads knew about this but since they were always talking on the phone with Judy they weren't worried the least bit and neither was she. Apparently Quinn was also a quiet child herself, even more so than Gabriel but the knowledge did nothing to placate me or my wife's worries.

"He'll be alright" daddy told me after I put Gabe down for his nap.

"I know"

"You worry too much" he said accepting the Iron Man figure Samuel was handing him.

"How can I not?"

"You have to let him grow at his own pace, guide him but don't push him."

I sat down in front of him and watched in silence as he played with my son. I knew that his words made sense; I knew he was right but I still wanted to see Gabriel playing in that living room as well.

We had a doctor appointment that afternoon and Quinn was meeting me at the doctor's office to find out for sure the sex of our baby. It was a big day and since that morning my wife was a ball of light, she was practically bumping with excitement and I couldn't blame her; and that's why I remember this day so clearly.

"Don't beat yourself up, sweetheart. You have two beautifully perfect and healthy young boys in your hands"

"I know daddy"

"He'll come around, you'll see"

"I just wish he was here, playing with you"

"He will be in an hour or so, when he wakes up. I promise"

"Thank you daddy, I have to get going"

"Make sure I'm the first to know what you're having"

"Of course. We'll pick them up for dinner, thank you daddy"

"Anytime."

I felt like I was drifting apart from my parents and in reality, I was. It was on counted occasions that I got to see them and it wasn't because of lack of trying but the memory of what my marriage to Quinn used to be before I found I was pregnant wasn't going anywhere and I always avoided to do what I thought she wouldn't approve in order to prevent triggering her back.

I got to my doctor's office just in time to hear the secretary calling my name out loud, Quinn was already there with a magazine in her hands waiting for me.

"Fabray, Rachel?"

"We're here" said my wife as she got close to me and kissed me hello. "Are you ready?" she asked, her fingers tucking my hair behind my ears.

"Yes, let's go."

Doctor Lane was always such a refreshing woman to be around and that day wasn't an exception. "It's a girl" she announced and I instantly fell deeper in love with the little person I was watching in the monitor.

"Quinn" I breathed out but my wife's eyes were locked on the monitor as well. As the doctor excused herself out of the room -to give us some privacy- I saw the tears pooling in Quinn's eyes and the way she swallowed hard to keep herself from crying out loud.

"Baby, are you okay?" she nodded and looked down at me. I still remember the smile on her face, so filled with pride and happiness that even to this day my heart aches with just the memory of it.

"We're having a girl" she choked out before her lips found mine in a loving kiss. "I love you so much right now, so much."

"I love you too."

We couldn't stop kissing and for the life of me, I couldn't stop loving her either.

Her eyes always turned lighter when she cried and that day her eyes were such a beautiful light green, almost olive as she placed her hands on me and kissed my growing belly.

"Hey there, princess" she spoke, her lips tingling my skin. "Thanks for letting us see you today. Now your momma can drag me everywhere to shop for everything you're going to need once you join us out here. I can't wait to meet you" she kissed my belly again before looking up.

"You're adorable" I cupped her face and felt her face heat up and a beautiful flush appeared.

"You're everything. I love you."

…

"What about Celine?" Quinn almost erupted out laughing at my incredibly suggestion as I tried to glare at her. It had been a couple of very busy months. We designed our little girl's room and had everything ready for when she arrived. The only thing missing was her name and that day we had been at home the entire day. The boys were asleep in the middle of us while we laid in our bed.

"Baby, no one wants to be named Celine" my wife said as she tried to calm her laughter.

"Excuse me but I'll have you known that I'd personally love to be named after such an incredibly talented woman" her shoulders shook harder as I tried to keep her from waking up our sons.

"Sweetheart, all the names that you've suggested are diva's names" she reasoned and I sighed. My back and swollen ankles were killing me those days and when I shifted uncomfortable in the bed Quinn knelt on the foot of the mattress and started to rub my feet and ankles without even having to be asked.

"If she has a name such as Celine or Patty or Barbra she will feel motivated, and she will do anything in her power to accomplish her dreams just like I did when I was a child and a teenager" I fought back but she was beyond herself and her shoulders shook with quiet laughter all over again.

"Momma?" Gabe stirred, his arms already stretching.

"Hi, handsome" I scooted him closer to me as Quinn moved to the other side where Samuel was stirring as well.

Gabriel kneeled beside me and with a smiling face he rested his forehead in mine. I remember his toothless smile so clear. His lips were pressing in my nose and then my cheeks, his hands were squeezing my face too tight and then he laughed. A full laugh like he's never done before, that tears instantly pooled in my eyes. He was probably dreaming something equally as adorable. He was kissing me and laughing with me, and with that all my insecurities about him disappeared. He was fine, he was my lovely, sweet and quiet little boy, and he was perfectly okay.

"I love you so much, Gabe" I kissed him as Samuel started calling me as well.

"Mom! Mom!" he always had a habit of yelling when he wanted attention and oh boy, was he an attention sicker. Quinn often said that he got my lungs. I never argued that fact.

"You little attention monster" Quinn picked him up and laid on the bed, placing him on her stomach. It was the perfect afternoon to be spending with my family and as Gabe and Sam started to play with their Iron Man figures –which I couldn't take away from them- I thought that it couldn't get any better, but as always Quinn proved me that when things cannot get any better, they certainly can get worse.

"What about Elizabeth?" she asked out of nowhere, her hands holding Sam in place.

"It's a nice name" at first I didn't catch on. I didn't remember but when I did I almost lost all composure and she noticed. "Elizabeth?" I practically yelled looking at her but she wasn't unfazed or even surprised with my reaction. She simply and very softly said to me.

"Don't get angry and don't raise your voice, our kids are right here."

The tone wasn't harsh but it was certainly threatening. I couldn't help the images that assaulted me at once. I remembered her telling me the same thing when she was hitting me when the boys were in the room. 'Don't raise your voice.'

"Rachel" she called my name and I couldn't keep quiet. I thought that being pregnant would give me some kind of free pass and she hadn't touched me in eight months by then.

"Why would you want to name our daughter like that?" I honestly asked and this time she looked at me.

"I like the name" she shrugged innocently, like she wasn't suggesting that we name our daughter after her old girlfriend. "It has nothing to do with what you may be thinking, you already picked Evelyn and I'm picking Elizabeth."

She was so aloof about the whole thing and that only made me feel worse. I was angry, I wanted to deny her, I wanted to tell her that my daughter wasn't going to be named after the girl she cheated on me with so many years ago but when she looked at me again and truly looked into my eyes, I quickly cowered.

"It's only fair that you pick one name and I pick the other, after all she's our daughter, right?"

"Right" I answer right back and she let out a deep breath before setting the boys on the floor so she could move closer to me.

She hugged me and kissed my cheek. Her hand rested on my pronounced belly as she said: "Baby, I promise, I'd never name our daughter after anyone, especially not after the person you're imagining. I just like the name and it goes great with Evelyn, you have to admit that" she nudged me and kissed the corner of my lips, acting as playful as possible.

"It goes pretty well with Evelyn" I accepted but not for the reasons she was thinking. I was honestly terrified and it was in that moment when I realized that what happened eight months was still there. It was as present in my mind as it was hers.

…


	11. Five years ago

_Chapter 10_

_Five years ago_

…

After I gave birth to Evelyn, Judy kept insisting that we visit her in Lima and when the holydays arrived we finally got the chance to make the trip. We ended naming our daughter Elizabeth after all. I didn't like it but everyone kept commenting on how beautifully her name sounded. The only one who got a little suspicious was Santana when she heard our girl's name but if she ever said something to Quinn, I never knew of it. I didn't see her as much as I would have liked, Quinn made sure of it.

The flight home was a living nightmare. Samuel couldn't stay still, Gabriel was sleepy and annoyed by his twin and Eve was tirelessly crying for the entire flight. When we finally arrived to Ohio, Quinn and I were exhausted and couldn't wait to get to our house.

When my dads decided to move to New York to be closer to us, they sold the house in Lima and Quinn bought it right away. She made a good argument, said that when we came to visit her mother's house wouldn't be big enough for all of us and staying at a hotel while being _home_ wouldn't feel right, besides it was the house that I grew up in and that was something that we couldn't lose. We remodeled it to our own taste and even had someone coming up to clean it every week, so when we arrived everything was in place.

It was a trying day. Quinn and I were practically jumping everywhere. The kids were being hard and everyone was just stressed out. When we finally put them down Quinn and I fell on the bed literally out of breath and she fell asleep right away. I would have as well if my mind wouldn't have been so preoccupied about the day we had coming the next morning.

Quinn's sister, Charlotte, was also in town with her family and I knew that their relationship had had a fallen down ever since Quinn and I moved to New York. She didn't assist to our wedding and she hadn't met our kids and I had tried to ask Quinn about it in the past but she never told me what happened between them. I believed it had something to do with Russell and his memory that still lingered no matter what but I couldn't be sure.

So they weren't in the best terms that they could be. I knew that because of Judy they tried to be civil with each other but they never really called or made a move to reconnect on their own and if it wasn't for my mother in law they would have stopped talking completely throughout the years.

I remember thinking about how stressful it was going to be the next day and how trying. Judy kept telling me over the phone that her daughters will be fine once they saw each other but I still worried. I knew Quinn would be hard to break, especially if she thought that Charlotte was at fault of whatever argument they had in the past.

"Rach" Quinn whined in my ear. Her arms had me wrapped in them as we laid in bed together. For a moment –only two seconds- my heart raced and I swallowed hard. She hadn't touched me in over a year by then but I was still scared of her. I just couldn't let go of the past and I was starting to wonder if I ever could.

"I thought you were asleep" she snuggled me closer to her and kissed my neck. I tried to relax in her arms but I still found it difficult, although I loved the feeling of her breathing close to my skin and her arms firmly wrapped around me.

"I can literally hear the wheels turning in your head. You're thinking too loud, sleep" she mumbled and kissed my neck again.

I remember closing my eyes to the memory of the first night we spent together and how incredibly perfect it felt to succumb in her arms and perfume.

…

Judy was static to see us and she showed us from the moment she opened the door of her house. "Oh my God! You're here!" she screamed as she opened her arms for Quinn to hug her.

"Hi, mom" Quinn smiled and giggled as Judy squeezed her and kissed her cheek. I knew my wife was happy to be back in Lima. She never really talked about it and always avoided to talk about her childhood with me, but every time the subject came up there was something in her eyes and the way she spoke about the city that let me know that she loved it and wished to come back, even if it was just to visit.

"Oh God! Give her to me" Judy exclaimed as she took our daughter from Quinn's arms. "Come in, come in."

The boys were rendered speechless and for once Samuel was quiet as he observed his grandmother. Gabriel was pulling at my hands frantically but other than that I think we all were just surprised to see how happy Judy actually was.

"Oh God! She's beautiful" Judy gushed as she held our baby girl. "And look at those handsome boys!"

The boys hid behind my legs immediately when the attention was set on them and as Quinn smirked at the scene I had to pull them to the front. "Say hi to grandma."

"Oh my God! Rachel, honey!" Judy looked mortified as I realized that she was just noticing me. I didn't mind, of course. I was happy to see her as well.

"Don't worry Judy. I'm so happy to be here" I let her know as she came closer and gave me a one sided hug, and a kiss on the cheek as well. When she combed my hair back I felt like a little girl and the action was so mothering that my heart ached and still does with the memory of it.

"They are adorable" she told me and the gushing didn't stop there. "I'm so glad you're all here and staying for a few days but my dear God, look at those eyes!" she was referring to Eve, whose eyes were wide and very attentive as she studied her grandmother. "Just like Rachel's."

She kept going, on and on about how the baby looked just like Quinn when she was a little girl and Gabriel's eyes being the exact same shade as Quinn's hazel ones, plus the resemblance of our three kids with Quinn was just undeniable.

We were so wrapped up in catching up and telling Judy about the flight the day before that we didn't see Charlotte until she was only a couple of steps away and even then, she called Judy to catch her attention.

The thing about Charlotte –and what doesn't stop surprising me to this very day- is that she is completely breathtaking. I've always lived thinking that Quinn was the most beautiful girl I've ever met but when I met her sister on our senior year it was obvious that _very_ _good_ genes ran in their blood.

She was tall, her hair a shade lighter than Quinn's, same skin tone but her eyes were the same dark blue as her mom's. She stood motionless as Quinn's now serious expression fell on her. She wasn't angry, she wasn't resentful, she was honestly surprised and I figured out what Judy did. She had told us that Charlotte was going to be there but it was obvious that she hadn't given Charlotte the same courtesy.

Back then I wondered why and couldn't come up with an answer as Quinn very openly glared at her older sister. Now I know why Judy did it. Quinn was the one holding onto those resentful feelings while Charlotte wasn't. If Quinn accepted going home while knowing that her sister was going to be there then Judy knew that things would work out just fine; and they did.

"Charlie, look who's back home!" Judy said with a smile as big as Christmas on her face. But Charlie's eyes did a double take around us all before a small smile formed in her lips and I instantly knew that she was glad to see us all.

"Is that really you?" she playfully moved closer to Quinn as my wife stared at her blankly. I could tell that she was honestly irritated but she was showing so much control over herself that I felt proud.

"Charlie" Quinn simply said and then opened her arms and huffed before she let herself be wrapped in her sister's arms.

It was odd to say the least and as soon as the hug started, it ended. But Quinn's eyes weren't honest and they definitely weren't warm. I was thrown off when she suddenly hugged me close and dared her sister with her stare. "You remember my wife Rachel, right Charlotte?" she asked with a fake small on her lips and her attitude should have rang a bell but at the moment it didn't.

Charlotte smiled a tight smile and nodded her head. "Of course I do. It's so nice to see you both here. It's been so long"

"Nice to see you too" I shook her offered hand and felt Quinn's hand squeeze my hip, pulling me closer to her. But Charlotte's attention was already on the twins and she didn't seem affected by her sister's weird behavior at all. Maybe she didn't know what it truly meant.

"Jesus! They look just like you" she laughed as she greeted the boys and when she looked up, still smiling and winked at Quinn I was convinced that she was letting go but my wife didn't seem like she bought it, not one bit. "I'm getting flashbacks from when we were kids" my sister in law kept laughing as Sam showed her the Iron Man figure in his hands.

We were led to the living room where we met Alex, Charlotte's husband and their two little boys, Peter and Michael who instantly became best buddies with our twins. They make such a sweet couple that I was completely enamored by their relationship. Alex is completely devoted to Charlie and it always shows how much he loves her.

Quinn wasn't doing well; I could literally hear her thinking as she sat quietly beside Judy and stared at the rest of us while we chatted. She was tense, she barely greeted Alex and didn't show that much interest in her nephews.

Her attitude didn't improve all through lunch and then dinner, but Judy was so pleased to have her two daughters in the house that she decided to ignore the obvious tension while Charlotte tried her best to open up a conversation with her little sister without having any positive result.

It was right after dinner that Alex took the four boys upstairs for a bed story that finally we could take a sit and have a glass of wine in front of the hearth. Of course I avoided drinking because Quinn was already on edge and seeing me with a glass of wine in hands would have only made her explode, so I refrained. But it was to no avail anyway.

Charlotte was telling me about the new designs she had in mind for redoing her bedroom when Quinn called my name from the loveseat where Evelyn was sleeping soundly in her arms. But she didn't say anything else besides my name, she didn't even look at me as she waved the empty glass of wine in front of her.

Without meeting the eyes of my mother and sister in law I got up, took the glass from her hands and walked to the kitchen. My pride was on the floor of that living room and I felt the tears so close but I swallowed down the humiliation and immediately returned with her refilled glass of wine. However, when I stepped foot inside it was another environment completely.

Quinn was on the edge of her seat, her arms wrapped around our baby as she glared draggers to her sister. Charlotte wasn't that far either and Judy's eyes were on me with a sorrowful expression on her face. I had no idea what was said in those two minutes but it was apparently enough to make Quinn finally explode.

"Is something wrong?" I tentatively asked. By that point my hands were already shaking and the beat of my heart was as strong as a car's engine. I could feel it beat in my ears and I'm not exaggerating.

"No" Quinn's tone was cold and unforgiving. Her eyes were no longer glaring at her sister. They were locked on me. "Put that glass down and get the boys. We're leaving."

I reacted immediately to her order and as she made her way outside I quickly went upstairs and got the twins. She was waiting by the door, Judy was frantic but she didn't know what to do as I ran outside with my kids.

I was sweating and shaking when she handed me a sleeping Evelyn and turned on the car. I couldn't think straight, I was a wreck and on the edge of tears. I remember praying, I prayed the whole ride home for her to not lose her battle with herself, for her to not leave me again.

She took the boys to their room as I placed Eve in her crib in ours. I changed my clothes with a heavy feeling in my stomach. I knew what was coming, deep down I knew but I still had hope, I still wished.

She came inside the bedroom just as I finished changing and threw the jacket she's been wearing in my face with unnecessary force. She was fuming. Her eyes were hard. She was gone. I wanted to run away and be able to take my kids with me.

She changed as well and made sure to throw every piece of discarded clothing in my face. The humiliation only added to the infinitive fear I was feeling and the tears weren't that far anymore.

"Put that in the laundry room" she greeted out and left the bedroom after eyeing the crib where our baby was soundly sleeping.

I walked on autopilot downstairs. A part of me wanted to stay up, up was safe and she wouldn't have done anything stupid upstairs but I heard her steps as she followed me down and heard the click on the laundry room as she looked us in.

I started crying before I even realized it and that only added to her growing rage. She started to pace the small space of the room and suddenly she had me pinned against the door.

She kept biting her lips, closing her eyes tight and breathing deeply. She was trying while I cried for her to let me go.

"Quinn" I begged as she started to run her hands up and down my arms. She wasn't far from tears either I realized but she was so upset that I didn't know what to expect.

"I love you" she said with a broken voice, "I love you so much that it hurts to feel this way."

She hit her chest with her own fist and I jumped against the door with the action. I couldn't help it. I was terrified.

"Don't do that" her fist connected with the wooded door to the side of my head and I whimpered. My tears started to fall faster. I couldn't stop them. "Don't fucking do that! You treat me like a monster. I am not a monster. I'm trying. Haven't you seen that I'm trying?" she cried as my fear intensified.

"Yes, I have. I have."

But her hands were already squeezing my arms too tight. "Stop crying." She greeted out. "Just stop."

There was a moment where she looked at me, really looked at me before she shoved me against the door. She was asking me for something but I couldn't read her mind, I couldn't stop crying.

"Stop crying, you're making me do this."

She rested her head in my chest as she took deep breaths, she had me pinned to the door as she tried to collect herself. I was lost, I didn't know what to do, how to react to her vulnerability or if I was even allowed to acknowledge it.

After several minutes of heavy breathing she finally looked up again. "Was it wrong?"

"What?" I asked confusedly.

"The way I asked for more wine, was it wrong?" the look in her eyes told me that she really wanted to know and I really wanted to give her an honest answer, but I couldn't.

"No" I whispered.

"It's not weird or something? I love you" she said the later as an afterthought. As if she was justifying herself.

"I know. I love you too."

"I don't do it because I'm a bad person" she let me go and started explaining. "We understand each other, we don't need words to know some things. We are beyond that, we follow one another because we love each other, right?"

"Right" I squeaked out without really knowing what she was saying.

"Or was it wrong?" she asked again.

"It's our way to communicate" I shrugged and wiped the remains of my tears from my cheeks.

"It is bad, isn't it?" she was much closer, the space between us was quickly disappearing again. I didn't answer but she did.

The slap came so fast that I barely registered it as I fell to the floor, trying to understand how she did that and completely out of balance by the impact of her hand. I heard the sound of another slap but she wasn't hitting me and I can only assume that she hit herself.

"Get up" she desperately said and when I didn't she pulled me up like I weighted nothing with just her right hand. "Why do you let me do this?" she greeted out before she sent me out of the laundry room.

Once outside I held my burning cheek and quickly made my way upstairs. A part of me still didn't believe what had happened behind the closed door downstairs, however another part of me –and I have to admit it was a bigger part of me- had been expecting it. Falling sleep wasn't difficult that night, mostly because I was feeling lightheaded and dizzy.

…

The next morning I was awaken by the sound of the doorbell ringing repeatedly and after checking if Eve was still asleep I flew out of the room to check who it was but Quinn –who didn't shared the bed with me the night before but chose to stay in the living room's couch- beat me to it.

I knew it was wrong to spy but I couldn't make my way downstairs when I heard Judy's voice as soon as my wife opened the door.

"Good morning, sweetheart" she said with a relieved tone as I hid behind the adjacent wall. Quinn looked taken aback but still hugged her mom and invited her in right away but I was surprised when I saw Charlotte moving inside as well.

"Morning, Q ball" she said and made an effort to smile but Quinn didn't say anything and focused solely on closing the door behind her sister.

Judy knew what she was doing and I understood her reasons, but pushing them wasn't going to get them anywhere good. Quinn wasn't a person that appreciated being pushed, she didn't even like to talk about certain things, things from her past and yet, she stood back and allowed her mother to get away with anything.

I didn't know much but I had a vague idea of what had happened when Russell lived with them, but Quinn had the immense need to protect her mother and she never denied her anything. I was actually surprised when she didn't made us all jump in a plane at her mother's first hint that she wanted to see us.

"I'm cooking breakfast, honey" Judy announced from somewhere in the kitchen. "Is that alright?" she asked as an afterthought and Quinn was fast to assure her.

"Of course, mom. You know you don't have to ask for permission to come to our house. I like having you here."

"Quinn, can I please talk to you?" Charlotte called her again. At this point I just knew that it wasn't my place to eavesdrop but I was frozen behind the wall on the top of the stairs and I heard everything. I couldn't see their faces, their expressions but I heard every word that they said and I never forgot.

"Where is Alex and the kids?" Quinn asked first, beating her sister to whatever she was going to say.

"Alex took them to his mom's house. Quinn, why are you doing this?" Charlotte's voice shattered and it should have tipped me but I didn't move.

"I don't know what you're talking about"

"Don't put up this front with me, I'm not scared of you. I'm not your wife" shame covered me whole. I kept forgetting what my fathers always told me. I carry my heart on my sleeve.

"Don't bring her into this" I didn't have to be looking at my wife to know that she was fisting her hands and glaring down at her big sister. Her tone was cold and scared.

"Stop doing this Lucy" Charlotte begged.

"Don't call me that!"

"Don't play dumb with me! Don't forget that I know you better than anyone. Anyone!"

"You don't know me at all! You lost me the first time you compared me to him and you're never getting me back, ever!" the screams elevated pretty quickly and suddenly I could hear them breathing but I still didn't dare to look over my shoulder.

They were far from whispering and I knew that Judy could listen. The kitchen was just a few feet from where they were standing.

"Is that why you left? Because I said what I said?" Charlotte asked disbelievingly.

"I don't care about your words anymore, I'm no longer fifteen"

"You weren't fifteen the last time I saw you and you know that I only said what I said because I wanted you to realize your mistakes" now Charlotte's voice broke and when Quinn spoke I knew that she was crying by the tone of her voice as well.

"I wasn't doing anything wrong. You judged me, you weren't giving me advice. You blame me and I understand that. I understand that you need someone to point your finger on now that he's no longer here to do it…"

"Quinn, no"

"…I didn't know why he did it, I still don't know but you were there!" Quinn's voice was loud, so loud that I was afraid Evelyn would wake up and I didn't want the boys to see her like that. "You were there and you saw me fighting him as hard as you did. He never hit me but if I could have changed that, I would have. You know I would have. All I ever wanted was for him to stop. You know that."

I had stolen something that Quinn had worked so hard into hiding from me. Her deepest secrets, something that she didn't want to remember because it hurt too much to do so.

"And you decided to give your wife the same lesson that Russell left us." Charlotte's sentence hung in the air thickly.

"I'm not" but Quinn's voice was weak and regretful.

"That is not your Rachel Berry upstairs. The Rachel I met the first time you brought her home was a joyful and charismatic woman, full of life. The woman beside you right now, it's just your wife and nothing more. You've turned her into a robot, the shell of a person that once was great."

I chocked back a sob as Charlotte's words hit home. She hadn't even been present that much and she had noticed. Why couldn't anyone else notice?

"People change" Quinn said nonattached.

"People flourish, people learn and someone like her was meant to grown, not regress"

"Stop psychoanalyzing her!" Quinn yelled.

"Stop hitting her!" my sister in law yelled louder. "Stop doing it, Quinn. Don't you remember how terrible it was to hear mom scream and cry while we hid in the closet!?" she was crying, harder than before and I was right there with her.

"I'd never do that in front of my kids."

Even I stopped breathing after hearing Quinn said that. I never thought that she would admit to her sister's accusations and I'm sure that it was a slip of her lips.

When Charlotte spoke again, her voice was much softer than before and Quinn didn't interrupt again. "You know better. I know you're a better person, so stop doing this. You still have the chance to change everything, to turn everything around. Be the person you're supposed to be, be her rock, be her wife, be her friend but don't be the monster from her nightmares. Love her, Quinn. I know you love her, so show her. If things get complicated, take a walk. Go to the park with your twins, sing a lullaby to your baby girl but don't explode. I know that you can turn this around, please Quinn. I love you and I want to see you happy, I want to see you free. Let him go, please. Let him go."

"I am not him" I barely heard Quinn's voice as she cried. "I'm not him"

"You're not" this time it was Judy who spoke and Quinn's whimpers grew louder.

"Mom, please. I'm not him. I'm not" she kept on crying as did I.

"I know, baby. I know"

"Forgive me, mom. Please, forgive me."

Long minutes passed as Quinn kept begging for forgiveness from her mother and I tried to wrap my mind around everything that I just heard.

I wanted to believe that it would mean something. Her family's intervention in what it seemed to be a very obvious problem that my fathers just couldn't see. At the end it didn't mean a thing. It was like her mother and sister never even talked to her. I wished I had never loved her but it was impossible to go back then.

…


	12. Four and three years ago

_Chapter 11_

_Four years ago_

…

When people find themselves in a terrible situation, they often want to ask for help but the fear of putting themselves out there is often a great obstacle. In my case, I was ashamed and I didn't want anyone to know about my marital problems but when we got back to New York things just didn't look good for me. Quinn was gone, my wife was beyond herself and my life was back to be a living nightmare.

I made a mistake. I knew her better than anyone else and yet, I made a mistake.

I remember being on the floor. I wasn't crying, I was done crying although it could have served as a reliever. I was spitting blood on the white ceramic floor of our bathroom. A quick inspection with my tongue told me that I still had all my teeth but the blood kept pouring out of my mouth. I lost my breath when her foot connected with my stomach again and again. Finally I gave up and let go. I laid on the floor, pressing my cheek against the floor and closed my eyes.

"How could you be so stupid?" she greeted out and then as if I were a ragdoll she turned me around. I grabbed onto her arms and squeezed. I wanted her to stop but I knew that she wouldn't. I wanted to fight back but I wasn't strong enough and I knew that whatever I had to say would mean nothing for her. I regretted having a phone, having met her, having fallen for her. I regretted living. "This isn't that hard to grasp, Rachel and I've told you time after time."

"Quinn" I gasped, the blood in my mouth started to taste awful but she was grabbing me and I couldn't turn around to spit, I was gargling. "Please."

"I didn't ask you to speak" she said, lifting me up until her breath was an inch away from my face. Her eyes were dark, she was unrecognizable to me.

"I'm sorry, I promise I'll never… I'll never…"

"Shut up!" she shook me. This time I felt hot tears roll down my cheeks and mix with the dried blood there. "What the hell were you thinking?"

She let go of me but only to kick the garbage can and rub her face before walking out of the bathroom. It was a little after midnight. The kids were asleep and she hadn't even bothered to call to let me know that she'll be home late.

I tried to control myself when she left me there but I didn't have much time before she was back and pulling me up to my feet with a deadly hold of my hair before pushing me forward to sit on the edge of the bed. She was wearing a white blouse that has previously been perfectly tucked on the waist of her dressed pants but now was wrinkled and it's sleeves were folded up to the elbow as if she had prepared herself for battle or maybe she just didn't want to stain her shirt with my blood. She kneeled in front of me and with a baby blue towel she began to clean my face. She pushed my hair back and cleaned my forehead, eyes, cheeks and chin. Her hair looked perfectly messed up but she took extra care in combing mine back before she placed her hands on my thighs and looked into my eyes.

"Seriously Rachel, I want to know what were you thinking when you called my mother. What went through your head the moment you grabbed the phone."

She looked like she was struggling, maybe she was disgusted by the way I looked, maybe she was sorry for what she was doing or maybe she just didn't want to be there at all.

"I'm sorry, please. It won't happen again" she sighed and looked down.

"That's not what I asked" she said softly, restraining herself. She trembled. "What did you think my mom would say to me? What were you thinking when you told her what you told her? What did you expect?"

I felt desperate that morning when I woke up and didn't remember how I got to bed in the first place. I had passed out after the first hit the night before and the fear that she could do that again incited something in me. If I wasn't awake then how was I supposed to take care of my children if she ever lost it? Was I even capable to protect them by that point?

My first instinct was to call my fathers but then I found myself dialing Judy's number. I didn't even need to say a word before she caught on and was making promises to talk to Quinn. She also mentioned that I should just leave the house right there and then but I didn't listen. I didn't know what I would say to the kids if I were to make that choice.

"I just… I tried to - please"

"To what? What did you try to do?" but I didn't answer. I focused on the soft circling of her thumbs on my thighs and I stayed quiet. She knew very well what I was trying to do, she just wanted to make a point and I was letting her do it. "Were you trying to make me look bad with her? She doesn't need to know what happens in our lives. She doesn't need to know if we argue or not. She doesn't need to know when I make a mistake. She doesn't need to know of our problems, you can't worry my mother with our problems, do you understand? Do you understand me, Rachel? My mother doesn't need to know about what happens in our marriage."

With every word she spoke her voice kept rising and I nodded my head like the coward that I was and accepted everything she was saying.

"Fuck, I love you. I love you and you don't get it, do you?" she was on the verge of tears but I still didn't say anything. She was the one doing that to me and yet, she looked like she was the broken one.

But she didn't forget about that particular call for a while.

…

It was an odd night, when I was actually sleeping that I was awaken by her soft lips kissing my neck. I became incredibly alert of the alcohol radiating off of her as she placed her sloppy, open mouthed kisses along the column of my neck.

"Wake up, Rach" she mumbled as she pushed the sheets to the floor and forced my legs open to lay between them.

I didn't put up a fight, I didn't say no even though it was everything that I wanted to say. I helped her with her belt and even got rid of my own top. She was smiling a quirk and playful smile as she slid inside of me. For whatever reason, for whatever _sick_ reason she was happy to be with me in that moment. I held onto her, I kissed her back, I even held her face in place as she came inside of me.

I loved her but at the same time I hated her and both feelings were so incredibly strong that I wanted them gone.

Things didn't get any better and the years were passing by. Judy was being lied to by both me and Quinn, and even though Quinn kept contact with Charlotte I never got to talk to her.

The kids were growing fast, Gabriel and Sam were in school and Evelyn was about to go in as well. Quinn's firm kept getting high reviews and she still was the only lawyer that hasn't lost a single case and although Quinn was adamant to go back to Lima, I knew that she was dying to see her mother.

…

_Three years ago_

…

Charlotte presented her with the idea and the perfect chance to go back home. As every year Judy had been insisting that we go spent the Christmas holydays with her and this year we were going to surprise her. Charlie and Quinn denied her but we were all going to show up.

We took an early flight to have everything ready for when my sister in law arrived. Charlie was going to stay in our house until the next morning when we could all go visit Judy and surprise her.

But even after years of taking everything that came my way, faith wasn't quite satisfied yet.

As soon as we got to the airport I knew that it wasn't going to be a good holyday when Santana appeared out of nowhere carrying a small suitcase behind her. Quinn was tense the entire flight and things got only worse when Samuel declared that he wanted to sit in the empty seat next to Santana. She didn't have any problem with it and even insisted on having a flight partner when Quinn tried to take back Sam.

The kids were awake when we got home and that's why Quinn was controlling herself but I knew that I was going to get it when they fell asleep, so by the time the doorbell rang I was shaking out of fear.

"If you don't change that look on your face right now, I'm gonna make sure you regret it" Quinn said in my ear right before she swung the door open and Charlie stood outside with her family.

I had no choice so I smiled and tried to look as real as possible which wasn't as difficult as I first thought it would be because Charlie was so happy to see us again and the boys were completely enthusiastic to be spending time with their cousins that the house quickly turned into a small mad –but happy- house.

Quinn wasn't kidding anyone though, even though she was trying so hard to act aloof and Charlie looked just as concerned as I was feeling. It was almost midnight but the kids were still playing in the living room. Thankfully Evelyn was down for the night in our bedroom and it gave me a bit of hope because she was going to be sleeping with us since the entire house was occupied that night.

My head was pounding by the time Charlie and Alex went to bed and we managed to put the four boys to bed as well. Everyone was tired and Quinn was growing irritated by the minute but I didn't stay for long and went straight to bed too.

She never showed up upstairs and eventually, snuggled up to my daughter I fell asleep. Now here is the thing about our relationship. No matter what she did to me and no matter how bad I wished I never loved her, I did and I cared, and I worried. I was so used to her presence that the idea of not having her by my side was terrifying. So when I woke up hours later and Quinn wasn't in bed with me I got up and went downstairs looking for her.

She sat in the loveseat, legs crossed and her eyes firmly on me, like she has been waiting for me to go look for her. "Did you tell her we were coming?"

"No" I shook my head and eyed the stairs. I could have made it if I'd run in that second but it was a second too late when she grabbed my arm and pulled me down the hallway.

"Why did you hug her?" she greeted out. Santana had hugged me before we parted ways in the airport and she got into a cab.

"I was just saying bye" she pushed me against the wall and her fist connected with it above my head. I jumped and closed my eyes. Her eyes weren't the same shade of green. She was gone.

"You were just dying for her to touch you, weren't you?" her breath felt hot against my jaw, her eyes screamed with rage and tears erupted from my eyes before I even registered them.

I wanted to believe that she wouldn't do anything with her sister in the house but I was obviously mistaken.

"Please Quinn, be reasonable." I begged right before she slapped me and I fell to the floor with the force she used. But she didn't stop there and she crunched down to keep slapping me. I had never seen her like that, like she didn't care if anyone saw what she was doing. She was always careful not to make much noise and she always closed a door before she raised her hand but not that night.

It was different that night. She was beyond caring, she was possessed with anger.

She lifted me only to knock me back down and she did this a couple of times and then some. I lost count of the times my face hit the ground and then I simply stayed there because I was starting to lose consciousness.

"You didn't have to touch her, you didn't" she kept murmuring in my ear.

I woke up moments later. I was on the floor and Charlie was standing a couple of feet away, Quinn was right in front of me. They were whispering harsh and every time that Charlie tried to get closer, Quinn got in the way.

"_Let me check on her"_ I heard Charlie beg, she was crying, she was completely shocked.

"_Stay out of this, this is my wife" _

"_Your wife is passed out!"_

"_She's not! Stay the fuck out of this!" _I heard the venom in Quinn's voice and mentally shook but Charlie only got closer and tried to pass through, only to be denied once again. Finally she broke down and started sobbing as she grabbed a hold of my wife's shirt and suddenly she didn't look like the grown up woman that she was, she looked much younger.

"_Damn it Quinn! Look what you're doing, look at Rachel for Christ sake!"_

"_Shut up, Charlotte"_

"_I thought you weren't doing this anymore. Mom said you were doing fine"_

"_I'm not, I'm just…"_

"_Don't do this Quinn, please, look at yourself right now" _I was starting to lose consciousness again. They sounded so far away.

"_I am not him! This is between my wife and I"_

"_Let me look at her"_

"_Get away"_

"_Let me see her"_

"_You know what…"_

I couldn't stay awake any longer and when I woke up I was upstairs in our bedroom, lying in bed. Quinn sat on the edge with her back at me and Evelyn wasn't beside me. I was wearing different clothes and our suitcases were lined beside the door when I had unpacked the night before.

When she looked back at me, she wasn't angry. She wasn't even tired and she help me up, passed me my toothbrush and handed me my shoes.

"I changed the tickets, we're heading back home. I made breakfast and the kids are waiting downstairs, come on. Don't take too long."

She left the room and I was left to only follow her indications. We didn't see Judy that year or the years to come. I didn't see Santana either or heard from Charlotte again. It was as if she had unplugged us from the rest of the world.

I could tell that Quinn was embarrassed; she was regretful but not enough to stop hitting me. She was losing herself and I was losing my grip on everything but the realization came only one year ago when I woke up covered in blood and not for the first time.

I wanted out, I wanted out more than ever before and I took action.

My biggest fear was that she would want to take the kids away from me once I asked for a divorce, so I went to see my father. He didn't believe me when I told him that things just weren't working anymore. He knew something else had to do with my decision but he gave me the chance to avoid the question and I took it.

Perhaps there are a million different ways that I could have gone about everything but after years of being married with Quinn, I learned that regret doesn't lead anywhere.

**End of Part One.**


	13. PART TWO: Chapter 1, Present

PART TWO

_Chapter 1_

…

Small, that's how she feels as she sits on the large dining table by herself. She is short in stature but she never really cared; only now it's not only her height that _makes her_ small and sometimes insignificant, it's her entire life.

She feels unattached, not only from the world outside but from herself as well. Nothing feels right and Rachel can see that nothing played out as it was supposed to after all. Her faith was always misplaced, her feelings never enough and forgiveness was never an option, it seems.

She holds a glass with red wine in her hands, although the experience of drinking seems foreign, her skin doesn't feel hers at all and it hasn't for a while. She feels empty, small and betrayed.

She's wearing one of her wife's favorite shirts and it should feel right, it should feel good to have her wife's perfume all over her but it doesn't and it hasn't for a while. Every pore of her body screams the rejection, the goosebumps in her extremities beg her to take off the cotton item and she starts shaking –uncontrollably- the wine in the glass almost spills as fear creeps into her.

The fear is something she never managed to hide well, even after all those acting classes and years of experiencing it first handed.

If she had only been brave, if she had only had the power to walk away, to leave while she still could go without the permanent scars that now will always stain her existence no matter what she does, if she had only done something, _anything,_ she wouldn't be a personal slave in a life that shouldn't be hers.

But in the end it was her who didn't want to leave, who stayed, who had _faith_.

The house looks immaculate and it sickens her to no end to think about how hard she still tries. Fresh roses are in the vases, the furniture is dusted, windows and floors are clean and shining, fresh and clean air envelops the entire house and still, she feels sick to her stomach and beyond exhausted, both physically and mentally. The house is spotless and her wife's favorite meal has been cooked but nothing feels right even though it seems to be.

Three kids later and she finally is about to _do_ something. She dropped them at her parents' house to spend the night with the weak bravery that a few papers in a yellow envelop had given her a couple of hours ago.

It's going to be bad and that bravery is nowhere to be found anymore. A war under the roof of their house, it will all come down in the same place they spent the last decade creating a family. Nothing will hold them back; there will be no excuses to stop, to be quiet or considerate and the thought alone is terrifying.

The divorce papers are on top of the fridge, Rachel will wait until her wife has finished her meal to give them to her. It will be for the best, she hopes.

Faces we see, hearts we take guesses. She was her first love, her first kiss, her first girlfriend and many other firsts followed after that. No one wants to think there is evil in the people that they love; no one is capable to see darkness when all they can do is love.

People often surrenders, refuses to see what is right if from of them when a heavy cloud of love fogs their eyes and their minds, sometimes they see but they don't acknowledge it in fear that whatever is happening will come to an end. We are used to ignore the bad and praise the good, it's a perseverance mechanism that every human being possesses. It helps us all to cope.

In Rachel's case it was both, she couldn't see because she was in love. Everything about their relationship was perfect, meant to be. When they got married she could see it, she saw everything clearly but she had faith, faith in their love, in their family, in a future that now will now never come.

Her wife is not entirely to blame, Rachel accepts that but neither is she. Their marriage, their problems, the abuse and the tension comes down to both of them; they chose to stay together even though it was obviously the wrong choice. The divorce? It had been difficult, the most difficult decision of her life.

She sips the wine, letting the bitter taste to help her swallow the lump in her throat. Never in her life has a decision caused so much pain as when she walked inside her lawyer's office to file for a divorce three weeks ago.

Mr. Lane didn't ask many questions as a history showed itself on her face because her wife hadn't been careful enough the night before and the angry bruises on both of her eyes were telling enough, the bruise on her torso and arms had also been photographed and filled. She felt embarrassed, meaningless, that day she was nothing more than another statistic in abused women and now she would become another statistic of single parents.

The night plays out in her mind, fresh in memory and jumping at any given opportunity, just like her wife intended it in the first place.

**x**

When she felt her wife climbing on their bed, Rachel instantly knew her intentions as two wondering hands took claim of her hips and pulled her closer to the body behind her, teeth were teasing her ear even before she could wake up completely and fingers had slipped underneath her nightgown and panties when she gasped in surprise.

"Hello, baby" a smooth voice whispered before a pair of lips kissed her neck and the hand on her groin became more insistent with its teasing.

"You've been drinking" Rachel could smell the vodka but she could also tell that her wife wasn't quiet drunk but slightly buzzed.

"I had two glasses with the English men I told you about this morning"

"Did they sign the contract?"

"Of course they did. I'm very persuasive, y'know?"

"I know."

She was turned in bed and her wife was suddenly on top of her, lifting the gown and lowering her panties. The blonde wasn't lying, she wasn't drunk, her eyes were dark but focused as she undressed the woman beneath her.

"I love your perfume" the blonde husked as she undid her belt and lowered her pants along with her boxers, her lips once again attached to her wife's neck as her hands caressed every inch of skin she could reach.

Rachel felt the hardness pressing against her thigh and then her folds. It was an unusual night, her wife was being gentle, careful, loving and as she felt herself being filled to the hilt she hugged her wife's body with her arms and legs simultaneously and breathed out.

"God, I love you," her wife whispered against her ear as she began a rhythmic pace that was quickly building both of them up towards the edge. "Do you love me?" now hazel eyes were staring at her intently as her wife waited for an answer.

"With all my heart" Rachel said but instead of a smile, she saw anger explode in her wife's eyes.

"Do you now?" she didn't want an answer, she didn't expect one and Rachel knew to be quiet and muffled the screams that wanted to rip through her when her wife started a restless pace that made her feel like she was being split from the insides.

"Please, stop."

When a hand connected to her face and she couldn't see anything besides the million colors that shoot behind her eyelids with the force of the slap she remembered that she wasn't supposed to talk.

"Shut the fuck up. Don't say anything."

She started to cry in silence and grabbed a hold of her wife's shoulders as she asked without any real hope that this time the blonde will end fast.

"Did you ask _her_ to stop too? Huh?" the last word was accompanied by a mean hard thrust of her hips and a scream ripped out of Rachel's mouth. They both stopped and the blonde removed herself from her wife before grabbing a hold of brunette hair in her fist and pull Rachel close to her face.

"You better pray that my kids didn't wake up from that" she said with a menacing tone before she threw the brunette back in the bed with force.

Luck was never on her side and the twins were awake. Rachel could hear them both talking to her wife and then a smaller, feminine voice joining the conversation. Their youngest had also woken up and she was sleepily telling her wife what she had been dreaming about minutes before her 'mommy's nightmare' woke her up.

When the blonde had managed to put them back to bed Rachel was on her feet and gathering her clothes but before she could get to the bathroom in her spring, her wife grabbed a hold of her hair and pulled back, making her fall backwards with a hard thud on their bedroom floor.

She couldn't scream with her wife's hand covering her mouth as she slapped her face with the other at the same time. She was glad when she started to lose consciousness.

By the time she woke up the next morning, her wife and kids had already gone to school and work and she was still lying on the floor with a sore body and a bloody face.

**x**

It was a deciding moment that morning and Rachel finally had the guts to file for divorce after six years of having the idea dancing in her head.

She knew her wife would do whatever it takes to have their children with her and that's where Rachel really felt scared. Her wife was one of the best lawyers in town, her firm being the most known in all the East Coast, she obviously knew what to do as far as the law was involved.

But divorce is no longer just an idea and even though the word and everything that accompanies it scares her to death, she stands firmly and determined, heartbroken but decided. She's not changing her mind this time.

She is aware that no one will ever want her again, nor she wants to be with anyone else for that matter, she is well aware of the pain that her children will have to go through because as bad as her wife is with her she has never shown that side of her personality to their children.

If anyone would ask the three kids about their mommy they would always answer with words like 'funny', 'amazing', 'best mom ever' and more of the sort, and Rachel knows they'll resent her in some way for the decision she's made.

With the glass of wine in her hands her mind wonders one more time to the past and no matter how many times she tries she can never remember when or how everything started, how she became a weak woman, another victim and in many ways a slave and even a professional liar to her family, a friendless person.

Yet, she still loves her. After going through hell and back, and gone to hell again she doesn't have a better excuse, she can't lie. She's still in love, scared to death but madly in love of a memory.

She's dependent and to an extend she's aware of it, it's the reason why she's still in that house. Rachel knows that her wife loves her as well, so much more than she led on and that's why they work, that's why they're still together after all. They love each other and after the divorce they'll be nothing without the other.

And that's why she's terrified, because she knows what she represents in her wife's life, what their children represent and especially because she knows her wife and she knows what she's capable of and all the extends she will go to be close to their kids.

She sips the wine again, the bittersweet liquid sliding down her throat slowly. Her parents don't know, they aren't aware of what is going on, not because of lack of interest but because Rachel is an amazing actress after all –her Tony award proves it- and that's how she prefers it due to her parents protectiveness of her, she is conscious that her parents wouldn't have let her stay with her wife if they knew of their situation.

If she had only had the courage to picture a life without her, if she had only let her parents know or somebody; if she had only been able to live without her she wouldn't be shaking, her hands wouldn't be sweaty with each passing second that brings her wife closer.

The soft sound of the engine pulling over makes her jump from the chair, almost knocking it back, her heart starts racing as the glass shakes with ferocity in her hands. She swallows a sob when she realizes that she's rushing to the sink and throwing the wine, washing the glass quickly and drinking water to hide the smell on her breath.

She wants to cry, run and hide but a part of herself also feels relieved that her wife has come home soon, that her wife is choosing to spend the night at home and not out there, wherever it is she stays and does when she doesn't make it home for dinner.

In a masochist and insane way, Rachel feels glad when she hears the car closing and a set of keys fumbling on the front door. The sounds are familiar and comforting in a way that tells her that she's not alone.

The fear creeps again and it's definitely stronger than the gladness once she sees a cloth on the dining table. She rushes to get it just as the door opens and her wife walks inside.

Quinn Fabray still carries herself with the same amount of control and superiority that she had ten years ago when they met in high school.

The blonde doesn't spare her nervous wife a look as she drops her keys and suitcase on a nearby chair or as she takes off her expensive coat and throws it on the back of another.

When Rachel rushes to get the coat, Quinn finally looks up and stares at her intently. She can almost smell the fear on Rachel's actions and she follows her as the smaller woman hangs her coat on the hallway closet with care. She hates the way Rachel's hands shake when she returns but doesn't mention it, in a way she's come to expect it.

She stares at the brunette and disappointment quickly rushes through her, not in her wife but in herself and when Rachel tries to swallow a lump in her throat she sees red.

"Hi" the smaller woman manages to speak even though the tension is enough to cut through iron at the moment. She feels judged, insignificant and low.

Quinn is perfect in her eyes; she has the physic of a supermodel and built muscle where it should be. Rachel can easily see why girls throw themselves at her wife and she wonders for the millionth time, why did Quinn marry her in the first place?

"Why are you staring?" Quinn hisses the question before rolling her eyes, consciously ignoring the welling tears and shrinking state of the brunette.

"I'm sorry"

"My shirt looks nice on you. I like it when you wear my clothes" she states and a small smile escapes her as she loses herself in the image of her wife, the woman she loves.

"It smells like you. I was missing you."

The 'I was missing you too' never leaves Quinn's mouth but it stays stuck between her teeth and she lowers her gaze instead.

Rachel almost jumps back as Quinn walks closer to her but before she can even react the blonde has a hold of both of her arms in a tight grip and soft lips are pressing against her tense ones. As expected, Quinn doesn't lose her grip until Rachel has returned the kiss.

"Don't-" Quinn shakes her head before she finally turns around and looks up the stairs. She has all the power she can imagine between the four walls, all she ever wanted materially, half of her dreams are yet to be reached and all of them revolve around the woman standing behind her, fearing her. If she could only turn back time.

"Where are the kids?"

"My parents stopped by and took them to spend the night. Is that okay?"

Apart from the deadly cold stare, Rachel doesn't receive an answer. She knows her wife adores her kids and don't finding them home is just asking for trouble.

The emptiness in her stomach is one step from making Rachel sick but somehow she manages to smile again, push the shame to the back of her mind and walk to the microwave to heat her wife's dinner.

"I made your favorite" she smiles, wishing against hope to get approval that doesn't come.

"I can see that" Quinn is already sat at the head of the table, her white shirt folded up to her elbows as she sips the white wine that's been served for her.

As Quinn starts eating, Rachel allows herself to smile despise all odds because Quinn always loved her cooking, even now.

"How was your day?"

"It was alright. Some idiot almost made lose my patience but nothing out of the ordinary there" her hazel eyes momentarily find Rachel's shy ones and the brunette feels ashamed again, the pun definitely understood.

"What happened?"

"Lana, Santana's secretary? She lost some papers on a case and as you can imagine Santana lost it and made the girl look in the entire building before fire her but the dumbass couldn't just leave and that's when _I_ lost it. At the end we had security remove her from the building but not before causing an entire scene"

"I thought Mary was Santana's secretary?"

"I fired her about a month ago, I swear Santana has a thing for dumb girls with no job experience whatsoever"

"Maybe she's just looking for an unfound talent"

"Maybe, but that wasn't all, after lunch I had to sit and watch how a wife's client beg the guy not to take their kids. Quite a scene she put up, with tears, sobs and muffled cries of desperation and all"

"Are they getting a divorce?" Rachel softly asks receiving a nod from her wife, who's still eating. "They won't share custody?"

When Quinn looks up and smirks at her direction, Rachel's skin grows goosebumps and she sits up straight in her chair. After nine years of marriage she has come to know her wife pretty well and she knows exactly when Quinn is being malicious, like she is right now.

"It won't be a fair share, the woman doesn't really have much money to raise three kids and my client is a well-known producer in town, it won't be a financial issue for him or even struggle. They singed a prenuptial agreement so no one gets half of anything."

The threat is there, Rachel can smell it.

"So what happens now?"

"Easy, I'll present the case, the jury will agree with us, they'll see that the woman is an unfit parent and practically broke, and my client will walk away with his three kids and his fortune untouched"

"But that will be unfair"

"How come?"

"Do you really think it's okay for a woman to lose her children in a custody battle?"

"They're not just hers and I will rather have my kids with food on their table than with an unfit parent that can barely feed them"

"You mean your client"

"Same analogy" the blonde shrugs and continues eating, like what she said isn't actually a threat or like she actually has no idea of what is waiting for her above the fridge in a yellow envelop. But she knows, she knows everything.

"Why does he want the kids? If he's as successful as you say then he's not home quite often"

"So?"

"So, my question is why? Why does he want the kids?"

"He wants to show her a lesson. She's nothing without him, just some useless excuse of a human being that doesn't have the courage to stand up for herself, she's not the woman he married all those years ago and he just wants her to wake up. He wants her to fight back."

"Show her a lesson? By taking away her kids?"

"Their kids!" she's not talking about her client, Rachel knows it but she can't drop the discussion, not even when she knows that she's not going to be the one standing when it's over.

"The guy has money, a nice girlfriend who treats him good and has a personality of her own. He loves his kids and he wants to give them everything and anything they want and need and he wouldn't be able to do that if he doesn't have them with him, now would he?"

The quirk eyebrow is a tell and Rachel's breath hitches because she realizes that Quinn knows, she knows what she is going to do, she knows about the divorce. How?

"Money isn't everything"

"What do you mean?"

"Money isn't everything in a marriage"

"And you would know that, wouldn't you?"

"I do" she locks eyes with Quinn and for a moment she thinks about backing down, pick up the plate and wash it, get away from the blonde but it's too late. Rachel should know better than to have an opinion, Quinn's taught her better.

"Without money you have no place to live, no food on your table, no education for your children, tell me Rachel. What _do you mean_ by money isn't everything?" her voice echoes in the house by the force of it and for a second Rachel is frozen but then she remembers, when Quinn asks a question she expects an answer.

"What about love?" she feels so stupid and naïve for saying it but her stare doesn't falter and Quinn lifts her chin in the air as she sets down her fork. Her superiority is visible, Rachel is nothing compared to her, _nothing_.

"What about it? You are happy if you have what you need to live a good life. Don't you have a good life with me, with us?"

"I do"

"Then why would you mention that you're not?"

"I didn't"

"You should be congratulating yourself" Quinn says in an irritated tone and Rachel can't ignore the sudden panic that rises within her.

"What?" her voice shakes along with her entire body.

"You always find a way to provoke me when we're alone."

Quinn's eyes don't leave hers as she drinks the last of her wine and puts the glass on the table before she stands up and walks towards Rachel.

She wants to run, she should run but for some reason she stays on her chair, her heart beating so hard inside her chest that she can hear it in her ears. She's the lamb and Quinn is definitely the lion.

In a moment of sanity Rachel wonders if Quinn would be able to get her before she can reach the front door.

She knows that she can. She always can.

It terrifies her.

"I'm sorry" the apologize falls out of her mouth out instinctively and shaky and she squeezes her mouth shut as Quinn grabs a hold of her arm and roughly pushes her into the living room and onto the large couch. The blonde crawls on top of her, breathing extremely hard on her face as she rubs herself on her wife.

"We should make the most out of this alone time, don't you think?"

Rachel cries softly and nods her answer, giving her wife the green light to do whatever she has in mind. She swallows the sobs as Quinn undresses her, she squishes her eyes shut as her wife's mouth kisses her shaking body.

"You like it, don't you? You've always liked me doing this to you" her fingers are teasing her inner thighs as she undoes her pants with her free hand.

"You like me manhandling you like this, especially when we do this, don't you love?"

"Y-yes" Rachel shudders and her breath hitches as Quinn enters her with a swift thrust of her hips.

"God, you still feel as good as when we were seventeen. I love you"

"I love you too."

And it's always declarations of love that make Quinn snap out of whatever state she's currently in.

"Did you tell her the same when she was fucking you?" all thrusting had stopped as Rachel chastises herself, even though she knows that she didn't do anything wrong.

"Answer me!"

"No, I didn't"

"Did you think about me when she was buried deep inside of you? Huh!"

"I'm sorry" Rachel cries and Quinn reassumes her thrusting, this time Rachel losses her breath and all sense of intimacy is lost when her insides start feeling like they're being rip to pieces.

"Fuck, you disgust me! You fucking disgust me!" she pulls out and gets away from her naked wife on the couch, "I hate what you did, I hate that you let her touched you like you did."

**x**

"Please" Rachel begs but Quinn has her pinned to the floor already and before she can utter a second word a hard slap meets her face and for a moment she sees fire behind her eyelids but she doesn't have time to think about it when a second and a third slap hit her rapidly.

**x**

"Did you actually think that I don't know? That some _nobody_ would keep this away from me? She came to my office the same day you went to hers, _darling_. She told me everything, she showed me the pictures, she even helped me burn them but she still did all the paper work because I told her to go ahead and help you."

Deep down Rachel had allowed herself to believe, but even deeper down she knew it was worthless.

"I know you got the papers today, where are they?"

She gets the papers, reads them in silence as Rachel observes from the floor. Quinn shakes her head here and there, and when she's done she picks her wife up from the floor and helps her standing up by pulling her hair.

"Do you really think I'd give her the satisfaction to see us getting a divorce? That I'd give her the chance she has so desperately been wishing for since we left high school to make a move on you? Do you think you've seen the worst in me, love?"

She grabs a hold of Rachel's chin and lifts her up as she throws the papers on the floor. Her lips ghost over Rachel's as she stares in her eyes.

"Don't do anything stupid again, I won't leave you and you won't leave me. I love you and you know why I do what I do. Snap out of it, damn it! When are you going to snap out of it? When?"

A part of Rachel, as small as it is makes her believe that Quinn is ashamed of everything, that there is hope to hold onto to.

"She will never have you, never. You're mine as I'm yours, alright?" the desperation lacing Quinn's tone is enough to make Rachel's heart ache because she did this, she was the one who broke them all those years ago.

"Let's go to bed?" she asks and Quinn pecks her lips as she wraps her up in a _warm_ embrace as they walk up the stairs. She won't leave this place, she's tried, hasn't she? She won't ever leave Quinn's side.

…


	14. Chapter 2

_Chapter 2_

…

Morning comes with a sense of dread for Rachel. What should have been a new beginning already feels like a new day in hell, although what she knows also feels comforting in a way.

She couldn't sleep at all, her wife's arms around her impending her from closing her eyes for longer than a few minutes, just like they have for years now. Is this what the rest of her life is going to be like? Trapped, with no opportunity to scape? Does Quinn know every other lawyer in town? She probably does and everyone probably will run back to her if Rachel tries to divorce her again. Will she try again?

Pathetic, that's what everything has been, a pathetic attempt that resulted in disaster.

It's a sunny Saturday. The kids would want to do something fun and Rachel has to make sure that she is presentable for that.

Carefully she removes the arm wrapped around her waist and gets out of bed, Quinn turns in her spot and hugs Rachel's pillow as a poor replacement for her wife and keeps sleeping soundly.

The blonde looks peaceful as she sleeps and Rachel is almost tempted to kiss her naked shoulder. They say that old habits die hard but she hasn't done that in years, too afraid that it might ignite a contrary reaction from her wife. Still, the temptation to have what once was it's not going anywhere.

As she stands in front of the bathroom mirror she allows herself a moment to inspect the damages, like she's used to do. It's only routine now. Her face looks just sleep deprived with no bruises on her cheeks or eyes. There are bags under her eyes but those would be easily covered with some make up. Her neck is reddish but that's mostly Quinn's lips doing. Her arms are next, both of her wrists are bruised with a light green color that will turn an ugly purple tomorrow.

An image assaults her –like they always do- and she sees her wife squeezing her wrists as she was dragged upstairs and into their bedroom.

Fresh tears roll down her cheeks and she opens her eyes, suddenly very aware that she doesn't have much time. In the shower all she can think about are her wife's words from the night before. She knew that every word was a lie, every word was a threat and that only adds to the knowledge that she can't get away, not without losing her kids and that is not an option for Rachel. But does she want to lose Quinn? Does she really want to push her away for good?

A long sleeve shirt and jeans would have to be her attire for the day if she doesn't want her fathers or children to see her bruises. As she walks out of the bathroom, she eyes the bed where her wife is starting to stir.

Quinn doesn't like to wake up alone. There is a reason why she always snuggles to Rachel every night, so when she wakes up and finds the side of her wife cold she normally feels like jumping out of bed and check the entire house to make sure that she hasn't left her for good, but as she sits on the bed and sees Rachel standing in the doorway of their in-suite a sense of relieve washes over her accompanied by irrational anger.

She doesn't wonder anymore. She used to spend days and nights trying to rail all that rage inside. Trying to find out where it really comes from, but she's stopped doing it and now she prefers to feel instead of conceal.

She notices the long sleeves, the make-up and especially the downcast look. She rolls her eyes and fists her hands. She hates it, she hates the reaction, feeling the control slipping out of her hands so clearly. She hates it.

She gets out of the bed, aware of her nakedness but not at all worried about it. Rachel jumps when Quinn gets closer to the bathroom and it makes the blond boil with rage and disappointment. They stand watching each other but neither says a word even though both want to scream different declarations. The one asking for forgiveness and the other asking for freedom.

Quinn is the first to look away and with a swift move of her hand she pushes Rachel aside to step through and get into the shower as Rachel picks up the clothes from the hamper.

"At what time do we have to pick up the kids?" Quinn asks as she waits for the water to get warm. She wants their children around, for some reason they always help and she's glad that they do. She guesses it's because she can't imagine her life without them but she often finds herself pushing that idea aside because she can't imagine her life without Rachel either. It's exhausting to get into it.

She yawns and whines loudly so before she gets under the stream of water.

"Actually, my dads are dropping them off" Rachel answers insecurely. Quinn never really likes to have her dads over. They always manage to trigger something in her wife, especially her daddy who seems to know something but never really mentions anything in fear that it would unravel a misplaced argument.

Quinn is quiet for a moment. There is something about Rachel's daddy and the way that he looks at her, like he's trying to guilt her into something but not sure of what. She knows that Rachel is not as close to them as she used to be and it's mostly her fault, but it's clear that the man doesn't know a thing, however that doesn't stop him from wanting to put two and two together and it irritates her that he's so noisy.

"At what time?" she finally asks.

"Any moment now"

"It's early. Why don't you start on breakfast, I bet the kids haven't eaten yet"

"Yes, of course."

Quinn hits the bath wall with force. It's that submission that she hates but that she herself has forced on her wife. As she closes her eyes and stands underneath the hot stream of water images assault her as well but sadly they involve her parents, like they always do.

It happens every time that she touches Rachel like that. It's like opening a window into the past and having her father by her side all over again that she hears his voice whispering in her ear with morbid clarity and it sickens her to no end but she still can't let it go.

Rachel is a good woman and she loves her to no end. She has to stop, she has told herself so many times that she needs to stop and she wants to, she has tried but it always comes back and she can never control herself when it matters the most.

She cries and as her tears mix with the water she can pretend that her sobs are not her own. But the dull ache in her chest as she gets dressed and goes downstairs doesn't disappear and only intensifies when she sees her wife turning pancakes in a pan in the kitchen.

Without thinking too much she walks straight to Rachel and wraps her arms around her waist, pulling her back flushed to her body and realizes that this is home. Not the house, not the furniture or the money, she doesn't care for the money. Rachel, Rachel is home and everything that she represents.

She kisses her wife's shoulder and breathes her in, waiting for her tense lover to relax in her arms but it doesn't happen like it used to. Nothing comes as natural anymore.

"I love you so much" and every word is spoken with honesty. "I'm sorry for last night. I love you."

But as every time that she says the words it seems like the last time she'll be saying them and that fear is consumed when she remembers why last night happened in the first place. Rachel wanted to divorce her, she had taken action into it and Quinn could not imagine something worse happening.

"Where are the papers?" she asks stepping back. She swallows the bile rising up and follows her wife's line of sight to the top of the fridge where a yellow envelop lies waiting to be open by her. She remembers throwing the papers on the living room floor last night before… with a regretful look at her wife she can see her in her own mind scurrying off to get them before she came down stairs a few minutes prior.

Quinn starts reading, paragraph after paragraph, accusations and demands, custody clauses and splitting arrangements.

Quinn wants to control herself but Rachel can easily see the battle between Quinn's mind and character, and how character wins over without that much of a fight.

"You wanted to take the kids away from me?" the blonde huffs and chuckles to herself as she puts the papers back in the envelop. "Our kids?"

Rachel knows best and stays quiet. Yes, that has been the plan, the only acceptable plan for Rachel to walk away with but she keeps everything to herself as she tries her best to remain calm, because Quinn is not exploding and she doesn't want to give her any more reasons to.

"What were you thinking when you decided that it was best for you to get full custody of _our_ kids?"

There is a moment of sane courage that showers Rachel when the vivid memory of every time that her wife has laid a hand on her comes to mind and those are by far the best reasons she has to want her kids with her and _only_ with her, but as she opens her mouth to tell Quinn exactly why she asked for full custody a hand covers her parted lips before she can even utter a single word.

Quinn pushes Rachel against the counter as she covers her mouth with unnecessary force. She knows exactly what was about to come out of her wife's lips and she doesn't want to hear it, she is aware of what she does, of what she's done but Rachel should know, damn it! She should know that Quinn would never harm their kids.

"I would never harm my kids and you know it. We have everything we've ever dreamt of. I have broken my back to give you everything that we have ever discussed about. Look around you, all of this is ours, yours and it will stay that way. Why would you want to break what we have? Can't you see that everything I've ever done, I've done it for you?"

Quinn stands back, actually waiting for an answer. "There's more in life than just money and luxuries."

The fear that had taken over Rachel the moment Quinn pushed her back suddenly slips away. This is a rare occurrence in their interactions that Rachel wants to take it and squeeze till she can't any more.

"I've worked just as hard as you have to be where we are today. Don't minimize my efforts just because I'm at home right now"

"And for how long would that be?"

After years of consideration Rachel is returning to Broadway in three months' time. She is to play the leading role in the revival of the Broadway Classic _Funny Girl _and rehearsals are to begin in two weeks. Quinn is aware of Rachel's schedule and to say that she is less than pleased would be an understatement. She doesn't want Rachel away from her, away from their kids. Damn it! She wants nothing when Rachel is not in the picture!

"I'm always going to be here" Rachel says calmly, seeing clearly where her wife's mind has gone.

"You're right about that" Quinn raises her voice and then she's back in front of her wife. The fear, the fear of losing the person she's touching right now is infinite and she can't control it. It's something that eats her from within, she is terrified. "I love you" she whispers harshly.

"You call it whatever you want" Rachel pushes her back. Fat tears already rolling down her cheeks as her body starts to shake out of fear for what she's about to say. "I call it abuse."

Quinn stands back, jaw slack, eyes trained on her wife and frozen in place. There is a voice in the back of her head that tells her to get it together but she's beyond herself as she grabs Rachel by the arms and pushes her right back.

"You know why I do this! You know it!" every word is accentuated by a hard push and Rachel whimpers and tries to push back but her hits on Quinn's arms go unnoticed by her raging wife.

"Stop it!" she finally screams. Her voice somehow makes Quinn stop and look at her.

Their eyes meet and they are seeing each other, they are certain for that but neither one of them can recognize the other.

"If you were never going to let it go, then why did you stay in the first place? Why pretend that you forgave me when that wasn't the case?" Rachel cries and wipes at her traitor tears with her shaking hands as Quinn observes her, chest heaving and frown in place.

"I… I tried" the blonde murmurs, a quiet sob escaping her parted lips. "I did. For months I did"

"I forgave you, why couldn't you grant me the same courtesy?"

It's instant, the change in Quinn. It's almost unthinkable that way that she can go from vulnerable to complete and utter anger in the blink of an eye and Rachel doesn't see it coming but rather feels the impact of the slap and grunts as her whole burns from it.

"Courtesy? There is nothing for you to forgive me about!" Rachel is still looking at the ground, hand on her cheek as she moves her jaw and feels the warm breath of her wife as she pulls her up and forces her to look at her.

"She meant nothing to me back then. It was high school. You and I were barely dating and it was wrong, I admit that. It was wrong but I was your begging dog for months before you took me back. You made me pay, you made me pay and I loved you so damn much that when I found out about your slip I stayed with you. I stayed with you because I simply couldn't imagine _being_ without you, I couldn't imagine being without my sons or wake up alone in a cold bed where you should be. I stayed and I tried. God knows I tried but everything comes down to what you did and the reminder that you never felt the same way!"

Tears are running down Quinn's cheek faster than Rachel's and when she punches the wall at the side with force, Rachel finally is able to blink back to reality.

Everything is so much more confusing than before for Rachel as Quinn's mind races and her chest feels like it's about to explode. She can't handle it, every time that she thinks about it it's like rubbing salt on an open wound and it kills her.

"It kills me! It kills me to think about you and her! It kills me! That's what you've done to me! You have killed me over and over again! You both have!"

"And you decided to turn me into your punching bag because you can't let go of the past!"

This time Quinn grabs Rachel by the jaw and pulls her up, making her whimper in the process, her feet wiggling in the air. "You are so into it today, aren't you honey? But no matter what you do or say, you'll never be able to change the past. Fucking fight me, God knows that I love it! But you're not making me forget with your guilt trips that go so fucking wasted on me."

But as soon as the look on Quinn's eyes burnt with fire, is gone and she lets go of her wife and soothingly rubs her arms and holds her hands with care. She hates it, she hates to be that way and as she picks up a towel to clean her wife's face she feels the guilt eat her alive.

"I'm so sorry" she cries and then it's Rachel turn to wipe her wife's tears because that's what they've become, the way they work now.

Suddenly it's just the two of them, eyes glazy and puffed cheeks, Quinn's fingers still caressing the back of Rachel's hands and they stand, just looking at one another and breathing deeply and calmly.

As Rachel looks at her wife's eyes the only thought in her mind is how much she wishes that she has never loved this girl but at the same time she wonders where she'd be without her and the thought alone is scarier than any other.

But how much she wishes she could just hate her instead of loving her as much as she does. Once, she heard someone say that custom is stronger than love but in her case, custom has become just as strong as her love for Quinn. She doesn't think she'll ever be as brave as to ask for a divorce a third time.

Quinn lifts her hand, softly, knowing well the effect it has on Rachel when she's fast and caresses her wife's cheek with the back of her fingers. There was a time when they were truly happy and ignorance was bliss, at least for her it was. There was a time when her mind didn't need reminder of how much her heart ached for the love it felt for Rachel, when there was no need to keep an eye on every single one of her actions. There was a time when fighting over nothing didn't end with someone bleeding or unconscious on the floor. There was a time when she could wake up in the morning and the first thing on her mind wasn't weather Rachel left her in the middle of the night or not.

There was a time when their love wasn't tainted by terrible memories and scars that will never get erase and those times were perfect.

When the doorbell rings they step back, already feeling the like they've just lost something and go back to what they are today. Rachel reassumes her cooking as Quinn goes to answer the door.

There is a moment before Quinn opens the door when she looks back and Rachel does the same from the kitchen and they see each other but they still don't recognize the other.

How did they become perfect strangers when they've spent their lives together?

The doorbell rings again, this time accompanied by some knocking and the unmistakable laughter of three children and their grandfathers.

When Quinn opens the door she's immediately tackled by two pairs of arms. Samuel starts to tell her about their sleepover with his grandpas as Evelyn stretches her arms for Quinn to carry her and she laughs when Samuel throws his head back being dramatic but Leroy notices her red eyes and instantly wanders inside the house in search of his daughter as his husband stays back and opens a conversation with their daughter in law.

Rachel smiles at the sight of her father and after leaving two plates on the table she turns around to give him a hug. "How are you daddy?" she asks and quickly turns around and heads towards the kitchen. She knows her daddy is an observant person and he has that look already in his face that tells her that he wants to know what happened with the divorce papers.

"Rachel" he calls and feels his stomach twitch at the sound of Quinn's and Hiriam's laughter coming from the living room.

He has always been a man of few words. He trusts in his ability to observe people. He doesn't like to judge and even worse be the cause of any negative energy in his house but there is something about Quinn and the over confident posture she carries around his daughter that just throws him off, always has.

When Rachel was seventeen he was enamored with Quinn before he met her because of all the praises his daughter sang about her but all it took was one look at the girl to dislike her and his opinion to change.

He had been a little eerie when Rachel informed them the girl's last name because Leroy remembered with morbid clarity who exactly Russell Fabray was but even then, he told himself that his daughter was a different person and if Rachel was as intrigued as she seemed to be by her then surely the girl was exceptional in character but he had been so wrong.

The moment Quinn stepped foot into his house he became incredibly annoyed by the way Rachel tripped over herself to get her girlfriend a drink, but yes, that could have been alright because Rachel was obviously in love but then it was the way the blonde looked at his daughter and it was all it took for Rachel to sit down by her side or jump into action. It wasn't normal. It was like looking at another person in her daughter's body carrying someone else's needs.

Quinn had tried to get into his good graces more than once but every time he spent a moment with her he ended up having a poorer concept of the girl. He tried to talk to his daughter but he always came out being the bad guy. Then Quinn broke Rachel's heart by cheating on her and he finally breathed out without realizing that he had been holding back his breath.

He was positive that Rachel would move on, she was young and beautiful but Quinn was so insistent in getting back together and his words didn't seem to mean a thing for his daughter and they ended up falling on deaf ears.

Hiriam on the other hand has always been Quinn's number one fan and often tried to make Leroy change his mind but to no avail.

There were days when Rachel would look so down that Leroy would try to get her to talk, only to be left out and feeling like a total failure for even trying. He knew there was something he was missing, something Rachel was hiding but he had been the bad guy once and he didn't want to be that man again. So he waited for his daughter to come to him and when she finally did a couple of weeks back, telling him that she was getting a divorce he thought that she was going to pull him out of his misery and tell him what was it that he was missing. But she dismissed him with a well-rehearsed lie, and now, Quinn was laughing and Rachel was cooking as if nothing has happened.

And by the way things looked around, _nothing_ has happened.

"Rachel" he calls her again. Desperate to be of any help.

"Everything is alright dad" the brunette smiles up and Leroy's heart breaks at the sight of it. She isn't going to tell him a thing.

"You didn't do it then" it's not a question but Rachel still shakes her head.

"I couldn't go through with it and dad, this isn't really the best time to discuss this."

Leroy knows that they won't be discussing it -ever- but he doesn't have a chance to keep fighting his cause as Samuel and Evelyn run into the kitchen and into Rachel's arms.

"Hey there, my munchkins! I missed you so much last night"

"I missed you too, momma" Evelyn kisses her cheek and she holds back a whimper at the touch of her daughter's lips with her sensitive cheek.

"Mom, grandpa bought us the new Iron Man figures to go with our Avengers collection and promised that he will get us matching costumes for Halloween"

"You said thanks? Where is your brother?"

Rachel is still smiling, happy to have her kids with her again but Quinn is worrying as she enters the kitchen following a very serious Gabriel.

Unlike Samuel, Gabriel has always been very quiet in comparison, even though his moms always avoided comparing the two, wanting always for them to build their own personalities and tastes even though they are twins.

But Gabriel noticed things, for a while now he's been noticing the way his momma always looked like when she was about to cry or the way his mommy sometimes puts on her angry face when speaking with momma. He hasn't seen his momma cry but every time that Evelyn cried, her eyes remained red and puffy after, and his momma's eyes were often that way. He doesn't like it.

That was the first thing he noticed when he walked inside and now as he sees his momma up close, all he can do is hug her tight and caress her face before kissing her cheek delicately.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" his momma asks but he shrugs and kisses her one more time. He just doesn't want to see her sad anymore and hugs always help.

"I just missed you, momma." His tone doesn't sound convincing for Rachel's or Quinn's ears and both know that something is on his mind.

"I missed you more" Rachel kisses his nose as Hiriam excuses himself to go to the bathroom and Leroy plays with Samuel and the action figures for the hundredth time in less than 24 hours, not that he minds because he loves his grandsons.

"Come here buddy" Quinn calls him as she takes a sit and while Gabriel is often looking for her attention, he suddenly looks hesitant to get close to her. This doesn't only surprise Quinn but Rachel as well. Could it be that her little boy knows what really goes on?

Evelyn suddenly reenters the living room and happily jumps in Quinn's arms breaking the awkward tension. Quinn is not sure of what happened yet but she'll talk to Gabe later, after all they've always been close.

And as it usually happens when they have this particular audience Quinn and Rachel fall into a particular family act, both knowing well that they are being watched.

"Breakfast is ready!" Rachel announces. "Quinn, please make sure that everyone has clean hands before they sit down?"

"Already on it" Quinn says standing up and carrying a laughing Evelyn with one arm and picking a still quiet Gabe with the other and as she crunches down Sam is quick to jump on her back. She wonders what she'll do in a few months when her kids want to try this because they are getting seriously heavy.

But she loves every little thing that her kids do and make her do as well. They are the only ones that can make her really lose herself and forget about what's around them. She can feel with them, she can laugh and be a complete fool because she just can't help herself with them.

Hiriam laughs as she sees the image and quickly takes a picture with his phone. He never quite understood why exactly his husband doesn't like Quinn. She's a great woman. They've talked about it –of course- but '_there is something'_ and '_I just can't pin point what it is about her_' don't sound like such good reasons to not like a person or approve of said person.

As the laughter erupts from the bathroom and three smiling faces return to take a sit around the table, another unusual thing happens. Slowly, Gabriel walks around and jumps on Rachel's lap.

Rachel and Quinn meet eyes across the table. Ever since Gabe was a baby, he has always have a deeper connection with Quinn, a connection that at one point made Rachel feel left out and one that has only grown as the years have gone by.

Rachel kisses his temple and shrugs when Quinn raises an eyebrow asking a silent question. Breakfast is filled with Samuel's unstoppable chattering with everyone and Evelyn's laughter as his older brother tells the grownups about their trip to the zoo the day before.

Leroy and Hiriam excuse themselves after helping Rachel with the dishes. Apparently they have a full day ahead of them and Quinn smiles at Leroy as he squeezes her hand a bit too roughly in goodbye and wishes him a good day instead.

It's a full day for them as well it seems. Rachel takes up on Evelyn and -a very complicated for a five year old- English homework as Quinn sits the twins down at the other end of the table and starts explaining mathematics.

"The order of the factors doesn't change the product, see?" Quinn patiently explains to a frowning Samuel as Gabriel flicks the pencil in his hand and stares at his momma at the other end of the table, his eyes downcast and his expression too sad to be entirely alright.

"So I can put the four here and it equals the same?" Sam asks looking at his mommy.

"Yes, try it" she smiles and then checks on Gabriel's exercises. "These look great buddy" she ruffles with his hair but he doesn't smile like he usually does, instead he moves away from her and goes to Rachel, who again looks surprised by her son.

"What is it sweetheart?" she asks as Gabe climbs on her lap for the second time that morning.

"I love you, momma" he kisses her cheek and frowns as he looks up into her eyes.

Quinn sits up straight in her seat as she watches the scene unfolding in front of her eyes. She knows how Gabriel works, how he often thinks and comes to conclusions a little too ahead for his age and what she's seeing right in that second tells her that her son has figured something out, maybe heard something or saw Rachel crying in one of her many dramatic reactions.

"Sam?" the boy looks up, startled by his mommy's _serious tone_. "Take Eve to your room for a little while, I'll come to get you in a few, alright?" he only nods his head and stands up to help his little sister from her seat. His eyes silently asking his twin what happened but Gabriel doesn't make an effort to acknowledge his brother's concern.

Quinn waits until the sound of the bedroom room clicks shut on the second floor before she stands up and walks into the living room, hands deep in the pockets of her jeans as she observes her wife following with her son.

Rachel probably said something to him; perhaps it was last week when she couldn't keep her mouth close. Maybe Gabriel has been listening for a while now and it was Rachel's fault because she couldn't keep quiet. This can't be her fault, she can't be that stupid.

"Come here buddy" she calls her son but Gabriel shakes his head and holds Rachel's hand a bit stronger.

Rachel can see Quinn's altering mood go from control to about to lose it but she knows it's not because of Gabriel entirely.

"I said come here" she repeats, louder this time and Gabe has to listen. Quinn can be as fun as she can be strict and the kids know it. With an encouraging nod from Rachel, the boy stands up but doesn't go straight to Quinn. He takes a sit beside her, but that's as close as he goes. "What is going on? You've been acting… different since this morning?" she carefully asks but the boy only shrugs his shoulders in response.

"Gabriel" Rachel reprimands softly and he looks up. He knows the rules, when asked a question you have to answer.

"Nothing is happening" he says at the same time that his knee starts to bounce lightly. He doesn't like the attention, never has.

"Did something happen with your grandfathers?" Quinn asks as Rachel swallows down the need to tell her wife that her fathers would never do anything to her children, but like many other times she stays silent.

"No," is all he says after a few seconds.

"Where is this attitude coming from then? Is something bothering you? Something happened in school?"

Gabriel knows what his mommy is talking about. He's heard the expression many times to know that it means that he is acting out but he is not, really. He is just sad because he doesn't know what to do to make his momma look happier.

"I'm just sad" he finally says and Rachel finally gets close to him, kneeling in front of him and taking hold of his hands.

"Why are you sad, sweetie? What happened?" she asks, now obviously concerned about her son's answer but he was never good with words and as his moms stare at him, he feels the pressure pressing down on his chest and he can't stop the tears from falling. He never sobs or whines when this happens. He's always been a quiet crier and he really doesn't like the attention.

"I don't know how to make you smile" he finally says looking into his momma's eyes, his heart breaking at the sight of tears he finds there. "I don't like when you cry."

Several things happen at once. Rachel's breathing stops, afraid that her son is actually aware of what happens behind closed doors, fearing that he could never forget about this part of their lives and regretful for all the times she's screamed in the middle of the night when Quinn has told her time after time to remain silent. Quinn stands up from the couch and turns around, heading straight for the stairs and getting inside their room. She can feel the little control she had downstairs quickly slipping away from her. How could she have been so stupid? Of course it was only a matter of time before the kids figured everything out. She and her sister had figured things out as well when they were younger, they weren't seven when they did but they figured it out eventually.

She stands in front of a wall, breathes in deeply and hits it once. The pain that comes with punching a wall always makes her feel a little less stressed and this time is no different. She needs to make things right, she can't allow to have her son believing whatever it is that he has in his mind right now.

She picks up a different outfit, knowing well that she'll need time away from Rachel and goes back downstairs where her son and wife are still on the couch, luckily he's no longer crying.

When Rachel meets Quinn's eyes she lowers her stare right away. Quinn might be acting aloof for the sake of Gabriel but there is no denying the anger burning behind those hazel eyes.

"Hey buddy?" she calls her son, who raises his head from his momma's chest slowly. "Come with mommy for a bit" she claps her lap and Gabriel smiles back at her before he climbs down from Rachel's lap and gets closer to Quinn. "How you feeling now?" she rubs his stomach and chuckles when all he does is raise his shoulder in uncertainty.

"Did momma tell you why she's sad?" Quinn's eyes meet her wife's again. The threat is not lost on Rachel. She knows that she can't mention a thing to her children, not because of Quinn but for their own good but she ends up lowering her gaze again.

"No" Gabriel's eyes also find Rachel and he stares with a small smile.

"You see baby, momma here is really, really sad that she's not going to be spending much time with you guys anymore because she's going to be working soon" Rachel's mouth drops open and a huff dies in her throat. She didn't see that coming but she should have.

"Oh" Gabe gasps in realization. His mommies have told him and his brother and sister about their momma getting back to work but he never thought about how that fact would affect his momma. Of course she'd be sad, he'd be sad as well if he doesn't get to see her much.

"So, we're gonna have to make each moment count from now on, shall we?"

"Yeah" he nods quickly, his mind already going through all the things they could do to make his momma miss them less when she's away working. Maybe he could get Sam and Evelyn on it. Maybe write a letter or make small posters for their momma to hang in her dressing room so she won't be so sad.

Suddenly Quinn stands and hands their son to her wife in the couch. This time Rachel doesn't make the same mistake and keeps her eyes downcast.

"I'll back in a few hours" she kisses Gabriel's head as Rachel finally notices the different outfit and looks up.

"Where are you going, mommy?" Gabe beats her to ask.

"To visit a client, baby."

Rachel doesn't say anything and Quinn doesn't even look at her before she's out of the door.

…

She fumbles with her keys and it takes a few tries before she gets the door open but she smiles drunkenly once she's on the other side. She stumbles her way to the kitchen where she drinks two glasses of water before nature calls and she makes her way to the closest bathroom down the hall.

She isn't entirely wasted, she remembers everything about tonight and earlier. The fear that her son might have been aware of her misdoings had almost chocked her to death. She never wants to do that to her children, to put them through what she saw and that's why she knows that she needs to stop. She needs to stop.

Elizabeth says that she should be with her wife and kids but she never kicks Quinn out of her house either. She looks at her reflection in the mirror and she looks drunk, and internally winces at the sight. Rachel doesn't like it when she drinks, she'll say nothing but Quinn knows that she doesn't like it.

Elizabeth has always been a good friend. They never lost contact and recently when Liz moved to New York, Quinn has found herself going back to old habits. She is like a drug that Quinn can never really rehabilitate from. A drug that turns her into a verbal drunk every time.

Once outside of the bathroom she struggles to take off her boots and while she's at it she can hear the soft steps coming from the stairs, so she looks up and a smile instantly forms on her face at the sight of her wife.

"There she is" she mumbles, aware that she's dragging her words but still conscious of what she's saying. "Love of my life."

And she means it, Rachel is the love of her life. Elizabeth has been someone to talk to since high school, someone who knew so much and still does, she had been Quinn's first love. She was comfortable to be around but that's as far as her feelings for the girl went back then and even now. But Rachel, Rachel has been madness, glorious madness to be with, she was a different kind of addictive and Quinn had quickly become dependent of her.

She stumbles back as she finally manages to get rid of her boots but she doesn't fall backwards because Rachel is already by her side, her delicate hands holding Quinn's waist and then her hands to keep her standing, like they always do, just like Rachel always pulls her back to sanity even though she's the one who pushes her from it as well.

"You've been drinking" Rachel acknowledges as Quinn tries her best to ignore the spinning of her head.

"Vodka, my father's favorite brand" she wants to laugh but only because it's so ironic. She hated the smell when she was young, when he would talk to her and the smell would come out in waves out of his breath. She promised to never taste that disgusting liquor but Vodka isn't as bad now and it tastes even better.

"Let's go to bed, alright?" now Quinn is leaning on the wall and intently staring at her wife.

"I married you" she laughs now remembering a time when she thought she'd never get married, never have kids, never find love because she was different, she wasn't a common girl and it was difficult to even consider the possibility of anyone wanting to be with her long enough to create a family. "No matter what I can always call this the only victory it truly matters to me. I married you and I love you."

She feels them hot and painful, the tears roll down her cheeks without her permission. She hugs her wife and hugs her tighter when she thinks of a life without her, she can't even imagine not having Rachel, not having Samuel or Gabriel, Evelyn. There's no life without them, Quinn is sure.

"I love you too" Rachel says back and the blonde kisses her neck lovingly, desperately.

"Please" she begs and cries harder, now she's cupping Rachel's face. "Please, don't ever leave me, please"

"I won't" Rachel quickly answers but Quinn can see the confusion in her wife's face, the fear swimming in those chocolate eyes that makes her feel like a monster, like she doesn't deserve her and she doesn't probably, certainly.

They go up to their room, Rachel gets her undressed but Quinn isn't near tired now. No, what she needs is the physical declaration of love, she yearns to have Rachel in every way possible, and she needs to make sure that Rachel is really in love with her.

So she urges her wife to take off her clothes as well before pinning her beneath her on their mattress. Her kisses are sloppy, she's a little numb from all that alcohol but Rachel kisses her back, she responds to everything that Quinn does and the blonde smiles and cries harder because even if she is a terrible person, even if Rachel has tried to leave, even after everything she knows that Rachel still loves her.

"I love you" she caresses her wife's body, as carefully as she can, as tender as she likes and then she's right where she's been dying to be all along, where she longs to be all the time.

Rachel's breath hitches when she pushes inside of her and her own pleasure is almost overwhelming that she has to take a couple of seconds to calm herself down, to not explode like a freaking teenager.

"You love me, right?" she asks desperately as she begins a steady and slow pace, thrusting inside of her wife.

"With all my heart" Rachel responds and then her eyes flutter shut as her nails dig on her wife's back. "I love you."

She can't really hold back for much longer and she comes inside of the brunette sooner than she would have liked, but Rachel doesn't whine her disappointment anymore and Quinn greets her teeth as she lays on her back. Rachel really doesn't say anything anymore.

"I'm sorry" she says even though her orgasm begs to differ. She hugs Rachel close and kisses her shoulder as she snuggles close to her and suddenly she is very aware of what she's done and said.

It's never pleasant to realize when you've been more vulnerable than what you're comfortable with. For Quinn, the mention of her father always manages to pull every string of her body in the wrong way.

So she lays back again, effectively putting a few inches between her spent wife and herself. She doesn't feel worthy, she doesn't feel like she deserves to be here and she wants to disappear. This is why she goes somewhere else every day, this is why she goes to see Elizabeth because she knows, she's seen more than anyone has, she's seen more than Santana has and more than she ever wanted Rachel to see.

The rage she feels twisting her stomach comes unexpectedly and so fast these days that she doesn't even have the foreign idea to control herself anymore. It's something she can't anticipate, this rage that grows within her is dangerous and she knows it.

"Quinn?" Rachel's voice is enough to make her snap and it always comes at the most unwelcomed times. When Quinn turns her head to the side Rachel cries without being able to stop the reaction and Quinn sees it, she sees everything so clearly that it sickens her to the point where she needs to forget about the feeling, she needs to let it out.

"Shut up" she orders through greeted teeth as she inspects the scared eyes next to her. This fear, this uncertainty. Isn't this enough reason to walk away? Why is Rachel still on that bed?

"What is this?" Rachel asks, pointing to her wife's neck where a new necklace hangs. Elizabeth has given her the necklace that afternoon, as a present.

"Where were you? With whom?" This sudden burst of words coming from the brunette confuses Quinn and excites her at the same time that she wants to hear more. But Rachel is visibly shaking and Quinn smiles because somewhere beneath the trembling skin she knows her wife still has courage.

"Why do you care?"

"You are my wife" Rachel breathes out as if that is enough reason for Quinn to explain. The blonde gets closer then, memories of a past life already fuming in her mind. Her head is clouded again and she remembers Jessica and her stupid confession that had changed everything, she remembers Santana and how she can't cut her out of her life, not for good, how much it hurts to know that two of the closest people in her life had cheated on her in such a way and then pretend in her face that nothing has happened.

At first Rachel tries to get out of bed as Quinn holds her neck with a cold hand. The blonde can see the fear. For fuck sake! If she focuses enough she'll be able to smell it. But Rachel doesn't know how bad it is to lose her and how deeply it had hurt Quinn to be away from her all those months back in high school. Rachel doesn't know that Quinn can't function without her.

"So?" she spits out imagining another woman kissing her wife, touching her, making love to her, and Rachel enjoying it.

It happens fast, so fast in deed that Quinn has to take a double look before she realizes that she's hit Rachel again but with regret comes the guilt that she can't stand. She does it again, the slaps aren't enough so she uses her fists when the brunette falls to the ground in her struggle to get away, she uses her feet and all her strength, and it's not enough, nothing is ever enough to make her forget, to make the guilt go away, all that pain.

"Yes, I'm your wife" she says, kneeling on the ground and pulling Rachel up until her face is only an inch away from hers. "And I was your fiancé when you decided that I wasn't enough. Had you had the courage to let me know, we wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be here, you would be brave, you would be away from me, but you did this, you chose this, you did this to me. You did this to me, no one else. You."

She lets go, Rachel falls back spitting blood and she hears soft sobbing as she washes the blood off of her hands in the sink a door away. She closes the door of the in-suite and sits on the floor with her back resting on the wall, and she stares at her knuckles, damaged by the impact of Rachel's bones, broken as well as her wife's face and she cries when she opens the necklace hanging around her neck which contains a picture of her three kids and Rachel and herself.

When she comes out, she finds fresh sheets on the bed and Rachel silently cleaning up her face in front of the vanity mirror. She's still crying, still shaking and she's still here.

Quinn frowns and fists her hands by her sides as she tries her best to understand but when she still can't comprehend why her wife is still here she lays on their bed and decides to breathe instead. In and out. Deep and soft.

…


	15. Chapter 3

_Hi guys. Thank you so much for all your reviews and for keeping up with this story. I know it isn't a pleasant tale and a few were asking how many chapters until is all done, well, I haven't finished writing it yet but I have thirteen chapters for this second part until now and only four of these until the abuse stops. I'm only telling you this spoiler because I can see how you're growing desperate for Rachel to get out of this situation and I'm right there with you. Thank you again for reading and reviewing. _

…

_Chapter 3_

…

Rachel bolts awake with the fresh memory of her nightmare still very vivid for her eyes and skin. She's lightly shaking as she focuses on breathing and blinking, she's in her bedroom, in her bed, her wife is hugging her and she's fine, she's safe, only she's really not.

The memory of a seventeen year old Quinn staring her down after one of their many silly arguments back then is enough to send Rachel into a panic fit nowadays. She was so blind, there were signs everywhere, she had so many chances to step back and away but she didn't take one, and now Quinn is holding her as she sleeps happily ignorant to Rachel's nightmares.

It's been a couple of weeks since the last time that they argued –if it could be called like that- and the singer knows that her wife simply doesn't have the energy to raise a hand at her because of all the hours she's spent getting ready for court with her one of her heavier client. Somehow she is grateful for that anonymous client and his complicated case that has taken Quinn's attention completely away from her and it saddens her.

She doesn't understand much about laws, she never really liked the profession -and Quinn doesn't help her opinion of lawyers at all- but the blond loves it and Rachel knows passion when she sees it. In a way she's glad that her wife has accomplished what she always wanted, which is to have her own firm and be a great at what she does, at the end of the day they have both been successful professionally and it's a small victory, one that will never go away, a dream that isn't tainted.

Quinn tightens her hold around her waist and sleepily mumbles incoherent words against Rachel's shoulder, making the brunette smile softly. There is something about watching a person sleep that pulls you to them in a different way, like you've seen a part of them that no one else can. Rachel feels glad to be in her wife's arms, she is aware of the things that this woman can do -she can't forget after all- but there's a part of her that still craves the woman's attention and affections and sometimes it scares her because that part is as strong as the fear that Quinn has induced her in throughout the years.

"What time is it?" Quinn groggily asks.

"Six fifteen" Rachel says after a quick look at the nightstand clock and tensing completely as her wife gets impossibly close and smells her hair with a smile on her face.

She hums and kisses Rachel's cheek lovingly. "You smell good. Good morning."

Instinctively, the brunette reaches out and caresses her wife's face, wishing -and not for the first time- to wake up to this person more often, this person that reminds her that there is hope, that Quinn still loves her and does not regret to welcome morning with her.

"Good morning" Rachel replies softly, scared to break the spell.

"I'm not looking forward to leave this bed" the blond laughs and groans playfully hiding her face in her wife's neck for a brief moment before reluctantly pecking her lips and getting up.

Rachel follows the form of her wife until she disappears inside the bathroom and even as the door closes she still can't shake out of her shock. That is the woman she married, the woman she fell in love with all those years ago and the woman she has faith in. The tears come out of nowhere and before she knows it, Rachel is trying hard to find some self-control.

"Mommy, mommy!" Eve runs inside the master bedroom with Sam hot on her heels and Rachel stands up at once when she recognizes the beginning of a fight.

"Hey! What's going on?" she stops Samuel from his advance to his younger sister and realizing that he was about to push her. "What did I say about pushing your little sister, Samuel?"

The blond boy looks down, reprimanded but still angry. "That I shouldn't do it" he spits out, breathing heavily.

"You are mean" Gabriel adds making his presence known before walking to his mom and sister by the edge of the bed.

Rachel knows that Samuel isn't really a bad boy and their little fights are harmless, she knows that Sam will never hit Evelyn but the irrational fear is always there, permanently making her doubt everything and wondering if there is something genetically wrong that runs in the Fabrays blood.

"Good morning, guys" Quinn smiles as she walks out fresh from her morning shower.

"Mommy" Eve cries and stretches out her arms for Quinn to carry her which she immediately does and grows concern at her daughter's tears.

"What's wrong?"

"Sam wanted to hit me" the little girl cries, scrunching up her face and hugging Quinn tightly around the neck dramatically.

"Samuel" Quinn calls the boy as Rachel busies herself with doing the bed. There are not many things that Rachel trusts her wife with, she couldn't use the fingers of one of her hands to point them out really but she trusts Quinn with their kids, she trusts her to do the right thing.

"I'm sorry" Samuel apologizes and this time Rachel can hear the sincerity in his voice.

"Samuel I trust you to protect your little sister, not to make her feel like she can't come to you" Quinn calmly says but unwavering.

"She was touching my stuff again!" he snaps and Rachel turns around to find him pouting and Gabriel's eyes just as wide as hers.

Rachel is about to touch her wife's arm when she realizes that it could enrage her more than it could calm her and restrains herself. But Quinn doesn't look angry, she's smiling at Eve and carefully wiping her tears away before kissing her forehead as the little girl hides her face in her mommy's neck again.

"And?" she calmly asks, her eyes meeting the blond boy.

"I don't like her touching my stuff" the boy responds and although he looks a bit insecure, he's not backing down.

"Look at your little sister" Quinn tells him. "She's tiny, just like mom is and you love mom, right?"

"Yeah" he huffs his response.

"You wouldn't like me to see hitting your mom, do you?"

There's something in Quinn's eyes as she says this that Rachel quickly catches on, she's known this woman for more than a decade to know when she's testing someone and right now, she's not only testing their boy's reaction but everyone else'.

"No" Samuel frowns and huffs in surprise. His eyes quickly resting on his mom.

"We've had this conversation, Sam and I would tell you that you won't get away as easily next time but _I know_ that there won't be a next time, right?"

"I'm sorry" the boy says, his eyes downcast and his hands behind his back in regret.

"Eve can play with my stuff" Gabe innocently announces out of the blue making Sam roll his eyes and everyone else smile.

"Thank you, Gabe" Quinn says making Evelyn repeat.

"With mine too" Samuel finally adds making Rachel feel proud of her son. Quinn winks are her direction as Eve hugs Sam and the boy tries to carry her a few inches above the ground only to end up on the floor and erupting a laughing fit from three of their kids.

"They're great" Quinn smiles as she wraps her arms around her wife and kisses her cheek.

Against her better judgment Rachel looks at the blond in the eye before she says. "You shouldn't have said that."

The taller woman doesn't say anything but only allows a small smirk to take upon her lips as she stares down at her wife. She didn't mean any harm, she was honestly just trying to set an example that would make it easier on Samuel to understand but as the smile washes away she understands why it was wrong and so she steps back from Rachel and breathes in deeply as the memory of her laughing father comes to mind. She can't be like that, she doesn't _want_ to be like that.

"I love you" she desperately admits and forces a smile even though Rachel's confusion rubs her the wrong way. "Don't you ever forget that, Rachel. I love you."

So instead of touching Rachel again she picks up Samuel from the carpeted floor and throws him gently on the bed before quickly doing the same with Gabe and Eve, and as soon as she begins to tickle the one who's closest -Gabriel- the other two don't miss a beat before they're on her back trying to make her stop and their laughter is enough to block every memory of her father. At least for now.

…

Rachel cooks breakfast with a pensive mind and a wary attitude. It's only seven o'clock but she's already seen so much from her wife that she hasn't in years. Not the playful part because Quinn hasn't stopped being playful with their kids since they were born, but the loving side Rachel's missed so much makes her feel like she's been slapped all of the sudden.

She's not being ungrateful because life –and mostly Quinn- has showed her to appreciate the little breathers that are thrown her way but she is scared because before the storm there is always calm and this is definitely calm.

Quinn is currently on the phone and she has been talking nonstop ever since they came down from upstairs. Rachel doesn't know what's going on but it looks like her wife is having a hard time with whatever it is that she's trying to accomplish from their house.

"Breakfast's ready" she announces and smiles when her three kids come down the stairs running and sit at the table where she's quick to serve each one their preferences. She begins combing Evelyn's long blond hair back into a pony as the boys eat while making quiet banter, all is good, everything seems normal but by this point Quinn is no longer in the house.

So Rachel looks above her shoulder and confirms that her wife isn't even dressed yet and dread washes over her.

"Hurry up everyone, the buss will be here in five minutes" she ignores the way her voice quivers and her hands start sweating for the benefit of her children but the arrival of the bus means that her kids will be gone to school and she'll be left alone with her wife and she knows, she knows that she shouldn't dread this but the truth is that she does, staying alone with Quinn has become the scariest thing.

The bus arrives just in time when Quinn hangs up the phone, so they both help their kids on it before they make the small walk back home. The blond greets the neighbors, smiles at the paper boy and even pecks her wife's tempting lips before they close the front doors from prying eyes.

"Aren't you going to be late?" the brunette asks as soon as they're inside and fearing that her desperation shows in her voice.

"Not today" her wife smiles mischievously before she begins to pick up the dishes from the table and taking them to the dish where she quickly starts to rinse even though the dishwasher is at her disposal. Rachel stands still in shock at the image before her and somewhere inside of her head there's a voice telling her to take over, to do the dishes herself but she cannot believe her eyes and the fear she's feeling only intensifies within her.

"You're staying home?" she's sure Quinn can tell she's afraid by the tone of her voice alone and that's why the blond leaves the dishes to turn around and face her.

"You don't want me to?" she defensively asks, her own fears making an appearance.

"I'm just…" Rachel stutters.

"Are you waiting for someone?" her fears always have the custom of growing out of proportion and the biggest one always turns her into the person that she never wanted to be.

"Of course not" Rachel denies. "I was just asking a question. Can't I ask you a question?"

Rachel's face breaks her again and her chest physically hurts, it's like she's running out of air to breathe, like it's deliberately trying to stay out of her lungs and punish her for everything that she's done to this woman. Her hands shake and she closes her eyes, counts to three and then walks close to her wife.

"You can ask me anything" she enthusiastically says, trying hard to be in this moment. "I took the day off. The guys will take over some of the paper work for me today. We need some vacation, Rach. After this case is done I'm taking a couple of weeks off, I can't keep going at this pace, y'know?"

"Vacation will be nice" Rachel smiles as her hands caress Quinn's upper arms but behind the forced smile the blond can see the fear swimming in her wife's eyes and it kills her at the same time that it empowers her.

She doesn't duel on it much, she doesn't like how messed up her head gets when she thinks about it too deep, so she kisses Rachel and pulls her closer to feel her, to make sure that she's still there, to make sure that she isn't alone, that she's still loved.

"I love you" she smiles as her hands inch higher beneath her wife's shirt.

"I love _you_" Rachel returns but even as she lets Quinn get rid of her clothes, the lawyer never sees the fear fully disappear from her eyes.

"I love you square" the blonde smiles and both of them allow memories of their teen years to come back and the first time that Quinn said those exact words and how much she meant it back then and even more so now.

The kisses grow desperate, items of clothes form the path from the kitchen to the living room where the women lay on a couch and continue their exploration of each other's bodies. Quinn kisses down a path from her wife's chin down to the valley of her breast, smiling when Rachel moans and feeling slightly younger as she touches inch by inch of her wife's skin. It's been so long since she did this, since she took the time to appreciate Rachel like she deserves to be appreciated.

"You're beautiful, Rach" she says as she finally lays between her legs and inches closer to where she longs to be. For her part, Rachel caresses the blonde's face and positions herself to take her wife as they both need each other the most.

"I love you, Quinn" she closes her eyes as the blonde buries herself inside of her and she can only hope that there is no storm after all.

But luck is never on her side and she should know that by now but she always allows herself to hope, to have faith.

They build a steady rhythm that inches them closer to the edge by the second and for a moment, only a moment Rachel truly believes that nothing can go wrong but just as she hugs her wife's body with her legs Quinn stops all movements and Rachel can feel hazel eyes trained on her face like a hawk even before she opens her eyes.

"What's wrong?" she asks against everything she's feeling and knowing that the answer isn't one she wants to hear.

"Where is the necklace?" by this point Quinn has completely removed herself from her wife and is currently staring at her from the middle of the living room as she tries her hardest to remain calm. "Where did you leave the necklace?" her voice is getting louder and the grip she has around herself is slowly slipping away.

"Quinn, I…"

"Just put the damn thing on!" Rachel jumps to her feet and Quinn hears the echo of her own scream resound around their house as her wife runs up the stairs and after a second she decides to follow after her.

She sees Rachel run inside their bedroom and while she'd normally take the opportunity to appreciate her wife's naked form it only makes her inner turmoil grow incredibly fast within her. Sometimes she just doesn't see it coming, she can't control herself when it comes to Rachel anymore and it enrages her as much as it scares her, not that she'd ever admit that to the brunette.

When Rachel walks out of their in-suite with the necklace secured around her neck and tear stained cheeks Quinn sees red and she has to fist her hands in order to be able to breathe and concentrate but it proves difficult.

"You look so beautiful with it" she shakily says as she gets closer and runs the tip of her index finger above the gold chain and capital letter of her own name. She can't explain it but the fact that Rachel has taken this necklace off can only mean that she doesn't want her anymore and it scares her more than anything in the world. That her wife may leave.

"Thanks" Rachel whimpers and the sob Quinn knows is trapped in the singer's throat makes her lose herself.

Suddenly she feels unplugged and she wants to walk away but it's eight in the morning and she has nowhere to be for the rest of the day. She is gone and she can almost feel herself slip away but she's no longer in control.

"You know I don't want to do this, right? But you know that you deserve this, right? You know it, tell me."

Rachel's hands grip Quinn's sides as the blonde forces her to look into her eyes and the singer can tell that her wife is no longer there, the woman that woke up next to her side this morning has disappeared. So she does what she needs to do to get to the next minute, to survive.

"Quinn…" a strong pull of her hair stops her from forming another word and she cries out a strangled moan of pain as the lawyer's breathing increases just inches away from her face.

"I love you, you know that I love you. I love you and I love our kids so much, you are everything to me and I'd be nothing without you guys in my life. You know that right? That I love you and that's why it hurts so much Rachel, that's why everything hurts too deep and I try, you know that I try, right?"

"Quinn, please"

"I try, Rachel! I try every day, every minute of every hour to be better and that day when Gabe said that you are sad, I – I was – I was so scared because I never want any of our children to know about this but then I thought that maybe you had said something and I just lost it. I lost it, Rachel. That's why I left because I lose it and I can't help it."

With the declaration of a weakness it always comes the downside and Rachel knows it too well, so she doesn't say anything and instead tries her hardest to focus on breathing through the knot on her throat and hope that everything passes fast.

"You don't want them to hate me, do you?" the brunette shakes her head quickly but she knows that it won't make a difference. "Because that's what's going to happen if they ever find out…"

"Quinn, I'd never…"

Two strong shoves shut Rachel at once. She can feel the tears running now and tries harder to take away Quinn's hands from the hard grip she has on her hair but it seems impossible. She even hits her wife's chest but the blond doesn't seem to notice.

"I'm not finished" the blonde says slowly. "Don't try to take away my children, Rachel. Don't try to make them hate me, don't let them see this"

"Then stop!" the moment she screams Rachel knows that'll cost her and she's prove right when she feels the slap stain her cheek and then her bare knees hit the ground. She doesn't even know what happens, she just feels and expects what's coming. She knows what's coming.

"Don't you fucking interrupt me" Quinn threatens as she raises her crying wife from the ground again with an unforgivable grip of brunette hair in her fist. "Don't you fucking pretend that you can fight me because you can't, you hear me? You can't! You're weak and you're my wife, and that's all you are, that's all you're good for. So don't pretend like you're anything more than that just because you're about to go back to scream on a fucking stage for money, got me?"

Somewhere in the back of her mind, buried deep inside is a voice that tries to scape but in between blank spaces and blinding rage Quinn can't hear it, can't feel it.

"When do you start rehearsals?" she dismissively asks after throwing her sobbing wife to the bed.

"A –a - a month from now" comes the painful answer and the blonde laughs, loudly and unamused.

"Fucking Broadway!" she announces with arms wide open and mocking smile on her face. "Remember how bad you dreamt with this crap? How bad you wanted it?" then she's back in her wife's face and ripping the white sheet that Rachel's has picked up to hide her body and throws it on the ground before grabbing a hold of the brunette's jaw in a dead grip. "If you think for a second that you can cheat on me again -especially with some lame ass singing son of a bitch- you'll regret it"

"How can you…?"

"I don't trust you!"

The sudden scream falls with a sobering effect on both of them and as Quinn releases her wife and looks everywhere around the room for _something_ she trembles and small spasms make her hands jump in place as Rachel stares scared out of her mind in silent.

"I'd never cheat on you" she finally says slowly and insecurely.

"Again, you mean!" Quinn screams over her shoulder, now with her back to her wife. "You'll never cheat on me _again_!"

"Quinn, I'm sorry" she cries even harder than before.

"Why weren't you wearing the necklace?" the blond asks softly now, picking up a forgotten conversation now that the adrenaline that took over her body is no longer present.

"I always take it out when I shower and I was going to take a bath after breakfast…"

"Stop" Quinn begs her and when she turns around Rachel sees two tears slowly rolling down pale cheeks and she hurts all over again. "Just stop. What the hell happened to you?"

"You happened to me" the change is instant. It's as if Rachel has turned a switch all of the sudden. There's not time to think, no time to feel it slip anywhere.

It's just gone.

"Well you happened to me too, love" Quinn has her pinned against the wall now but instead of crying and sobbing like every other time, Rachel is now pushing her away, or at least trying.

"How bad that was, huh? So many bad things I gave you to begin with! A family, a home, a fucking punching bag!"

"Look at me!" her elbow is now pushing against Rachel's throat as she screams unrestingly. "Look at me and tell me who I am! Tell me if you can fucking see me!"

With a final push of her strength Rachel is able to push Quinn away and take two small steps before her face meets the door with a hard shove and then she's dragged inside the bathroom to stand in front of the mirror as her wife holds her in place by the hair.

"What do you see?" Quinn asks dangerously close to her ear but the image isn't something that Rachel would like to describe so she stays silent. "What do you see?!"

"You're a fucking monster" she spats with all the anger she's been accumulating over the years and Quinn groans a laugh, and as Rachel screams the pain of having her hair so roughly pulled, Quinn screams out of desperation.

"And you are not the woman I married to! Look what you've done to me! To us!"

"Stop it! I didn't do this, I didn't do this!"

"And I did!?"

"Look at the fucking mirror, Quinn!" to her surprise hazel eyes meet hers and both examine the reflection staring back at them.

Both naked but only one of them bleeding, crying and desperately trying to get away. Two broken souls stare back with matching fear but with different reasons of why they're still there.

"I hired Liz" Quinn confesses and even thought the name rings bells loudly in Rachel's head, she still has to take a couple of seconds to figure it out.

"You hired your ex-girlfriend?" she brokenly asks, surprised and even more hurt from this news than the fresh bruises on her body.

"She needed the job"

"And a warm bed?"

Rachel cries harder, louder and even more openly when Quinn doesn't say anything to deny it. Her sobs, she knows, are lame and don't mean anything but she can't help it, she can't stop them from coming and even more so when she realizes who she is in this moment, what she is.

"You're sleeping with her" she says as Quinn's grip gets impossible tighter around her hair. "Why?"

"She just needed the job. Don't twist my words."

The blonde's eyes are trained on the bathroom floor as her entire body shakes. Rachel cries and all she can do to not crumble to the floor in a river of tears herself is to hold on tighter because Rachel –her Rachel- is still here, she's still with her, she's still her wife and Quinn still has a hold on her. She has a hold on Rachel.

"I love you" she convincingly says.

"We said vows on our wedding. We had vows, Quinn!"

"Yeah, well, I thought we made those vows the day I got on my knees and asked for you to take me back" she lets go of her wife's hair and pushes her out of the bathroom roughly. "But those didn't mean shit for you, did they!?"

…

The next time Rachel opens her eyes she's laying on her bed, the room looks clean and it smells clean, she's no longer naked and the bed she's on is made. When she moves, her entire body protests against it and behind closed eyelids she can still see Quinn punching her repeatedly until she passed out. She cries, quietly and terrified.

She hears laughter and her children voices coming from downstairs, and when she looks in the mirror she notices that not a single bruise is on her face. She doesn't recognize herself though and she realizes that she is just as lost as Quinn is. But she isn't sure of which one of them needs help the fastest.

…


	16. Chapter 4

_Chapter 4_

…

The morning comes with hectic activity and more than one rushed person around Rachel. She has overslept and Quinn's alarm didn't go off when she needed it and now she's about to be late to court, which she can't be.

The singer can hear the drawers being thrown harshly against wood in her bedroom but she focuses on getting her children dressed for school with shaking hands and a growing fear within her.

"Rachel!" Quinn calls and Gabriel has to take over in putting Evelyn her shoes as she quickly rushes to the call. "Where is my white suit?" the blond frantically asks and without stopping to flip through the hung clothes in her closet.

"It's right here" Rachel pulls the suit out without having much trouble in finding it.

"That's your fucking side of the closet!" she snatches the clothes harshly and as she begins to get dressed Rachel takes the opportunity to disappear down the stairs where their children are already sited on their spots waiting for breakfast.

The past couple of weeks have been frenzied to say the least. Rachel's rehearsals have been going for a straight month now and with the help of her manager they now counted with a babysitter named Sarah but however helpful Sarah is, the children -and especially Quinn- are still having difficulties with not seeing the brunette as much as they are used to and to adapt to the new routine.

Thankfully, going back to work has had a positive effect on Rachel's life completely but it is on days like this one that she is brutally bring back to reality.

Ever since Quinn had jumped out of bed this morning, the brunette has felt a sinking weight making itself comfortable in her stomach and it isn't going anywhere the longer her wife takes to come down the stairs.

"Mom!" Gabe yells for the second time from the front door and Rachel shakes her head to find him with Evelyn's hand securely held in his and both of their backpacks on his small shoulders. "The bus is here!"

The sinking feeling only intensifies as she helps her children on the school bus and then waves goodbye with a forced smile because Quinn is still in the house.

"Rachel" she hears her name being called from the second floor and the sudden urge to cry almost makes her run out of the door but as always, she ends up where Quinn needs her. "You know my Health Insurance number, right? You have all those papers, right?" she's frantic, she's walking around the room with worry written on her face and her cellphone tightly gripped in her hand.

"Yes, I do"

"Good" the blonde smiles nervously. "I need to tell you something and it's important that you listen and help me because we don't have the time, ok? We can talk about it when I get back tonight, we can talk about it as much as you'd like but right now I need your help, alright? Can you help me?"

"You're scaring me. What's going on?"

"I did something in High School" Quinn blurts out, her eyes checking her wrist watch for the tenth time since Rachel walked inside their bedroom.

"What kind of thing?" the brunette asks as the feeling on her stomach gets ready to burst and it doesn't help to notice that Quinn is fighting back tears and her hands are shaking uncontrollably.

"One that left a big consequence and one that I have had to step up for but one that I don't regret at all, alright?"

"Quinn…"

"Remember how Brittany told Santana that the baby wasn't hers?"

As she nods Rachel finally picks up on what Quinn is saying and the feeling on her stomach explodes, and she feels that pain, that sinking sensation everywhere.

Quinn steps closer, her eyes and body posture begging Rachel to hurry, to get there faster.

"Her baby is sick Rachel, she was rushed to the Hospital this morning and she needs surgery and Brittany isn't insured yet, she just changed jobs and the new school is still processing her paper work and her last job didn't have her ensured but I'm insured and this is also my child."

It's between Quinn's desperate speech that Rachel finally catches on to everything and she pushes her wife away, the sudden rage she feels is foreign but at the moment she welcomes it.

"Rachel, I need you to take my ID to Brittany, tell them that you're my wife and help her with this, please. If they don't take the papers and the insurance than take the money out of the bank and pay in cash. I can't miss court, not today. My client is facing eight years behind bars and Santana has her own audience this morning that she can't miss either and my daughter is about to go into surgery"

"And you want me to go and help your mistress?" she asks outraged.

"Rachel, please. Brittany is not my mistress. We can discuss this later, she never was. I'll explain everything, I promise I will but right now my little girl needs surgery and I need you, please" her voice is hoarse, a few tears are about to roll down Quinn's cheeks at this point but all that Rachel can really think about is the cheating part and how betrayed she feels in Santana's behalf.

"I don't want to hear a thing" she spats angrily. "You did this to Santana, you knew this was your child and you let her go through hell for this?"

"Damn it, Rachel!" Quinn screams, her hands squeezing her wife's arms as she forces her to look at her. "I didn't know it was mine, Brittany said she didn't know! I was hoping it was Santana's kid but it wasn't. It's my kid. My little girl. She's my daughter and right now she needs my ID so she can have a fucking surgery and you're thinking about this!?"

She shakes Rachel in her arms but instead of the common fear, the brunette is angry. "I won't do it"

"God damn it!" Quinn cries and throws her against the wall without a care as she looks through her case again. "Please, please" she begs again, now rubbing Rachel's arms carefully as she speaks again. "Just do this for me, please. We will talk later, I promise. I promise just please. I'll tell you everything, everything but please."

As scared as she feels now Rachel's ego proves to be bigger at the moment, which is rare these days and very uncommon but she feels like she can't do this, she can't recognize that Quinn has another child outside of their marriage, she won't.

"Get someone else to do it."

Quinn punches the wall and then she slaps her hard throwing her to the ground and making her literally kiss the tiles but she doesn't stay on the floor for too long. The blond picks her up and pins her against the door again and ignoring the blood dripping from her wife's mouth she slaps her again and doesn't stop until Rachel becomes heavy in her arms.

"One of my kids is about to go into surgery and I'm asking for your help, I'm asking you to help me and all you can do is show me your back and act like a fucking little bitch instead! What the fuck is wrong with you?" angry tears now scape her hazel eyes.

"Your kids just left for school" Rachel tiredly replies, still unable to accept what Quinn's saying.

"_Three_ of my kids just left for school. Do you have any idea of how much I wish that four of my kids just left for school? Can't you think of my little girl? You can't!" she screams, now her hands are tangled in brunette hair and pulling. "You are such an egocentric bitch that you can't even see that I'm admitting a mistake and I'm asking for help!"

With the next slap Rachel meets the ground again but instead of leaving, Quinn sits on her stomach, trapping her arms with her thighs and pulling her up to see into her eyes before she reassumes her slapping.

When Rachel opens her eyes again she's disappointed to see that she's only blacked out for a moment because Quinn is now standing and holds her belt in one hand and her phone in the other. She hangs up and looks back at Rachel before whipping back the piece of leather and bring it down on the brunette's bare legs, over and over again.

"You don't have to do anything anymore" she says out of breath and ignoring her wife's cries and pleas to stop, sweat making her forehead shine. "That's it, you are _that_ worthless, you are that _useless_. You're nothing! Nothing!"

She stands and as she fixes her clothes and hair in front of the mirror Rachel spits blood on the floor and tries to stand up, only to end up on her fours again. So Quinn takes it upon herself to help her up only to shove her in the shower and open up the cold water to soak her up.

"You're a fucking mess" is the last thing she says to her crying wife before she finally leaves the house.

…

On the second morning that Quinn misses breakfast in a row the kids start wondering where mommy is and Rachel would like to tell them the truth but the truth is that she doesn't have the slightest idea of where her wife might be.

…

Santana is slowly rubbing her temple with the tip of her fingers when her phone rings for the thousandth time this morning but she doesn't move or opens her eyes as the voice of her new secretary comes through the intercom.

"Ms. Lopez, there is a Mrs. Pierce on line one asking to talk to you. I looked on the list you gave me but there's not a Mrs. Pierce anywhere, should I…?"

"Put her on" Santana cuts her off and before she can even analyze the situation she's picked up and pressed one. "Hello?"

"_Santana, how difficult it has been to reach you!_" Mrs. Pierce's sounds hoarse and tired, and for the first time since she heard that name Santana really thinks about reasons that Brittany's mother could be reaching her and the possibilities scare her out of her mind.

"Is everything alright?" she asks pushing aside formalities and greetings, she needs to know if… she just needs to know why she's calling.

"_I wish I could say so, honey. To be honest I thought that I'd get to see you here but Brittany -I'm afraid- has kept many secrets from me and now her daughter is in the Hospital and I'm just so scared that I can't stay any longer, I'd lose my job if I miss another day and I can't afford to do that_" she breaks down crying and Santana isn't sure of what the woman is expecting from her and what did she mean by Brittany keeping secrets from her? When did Brittany made up with her mother?

"I'm sorry to hear that" she clears her throat and it sounds like Mrs. Pierce is also trying to get a hold of herself on the other end of the line. "If there is anything that I can do, please let me know" her offer is sincere and for a second she's shocked by how sincere she actually is with it.

"_That's alright, honey. I just needed to tell you since Brittany refuses to do so, I still think that you are an important part of her life but there's no need to worry because Quinn has been so good to them but I'm sure you'll do the right thing._"

The call ends soon after that with no clear endings and not a single forward petition. Santana tells her secretary that she won't be taking any more phone calls for at least an hour and she sits immobile behind her desk repeating time after the time the conversation she just had with her ex's mother.

After a while she realizes that Mrs. Pierce thinks of her as Brittany's kid parent and she isn't sure of why she'd think that but there is the whole secret thing to add and after so long, so many years she finds herself wrapped in Brittany's life again, only this time she has no idea of what is truly going on.

She's sure that Brittany didn't want her to find out about this and why is Quinn in the Hospital with them? Santana didn't even know that her partner has kept contact with her ex this whole time.

A soft knock on her door finally brings her out of her stupor and as she walks closer to open it she wills herself to push through whatever it comes next because Quinn hasn't showed up for the last two days and she has taken it upon herself to attend to her cases until her friend comes back. But when she opens the door and Rachel Be... Rachel Fabray stands in front of her she loses her breath, just like it's been happening to her since they were seventeen.

"God, you live" she chuckles and Rachel smiles nervously. "I was beginning to you that you are an invention of my mind by now, I haven't seen you in so long"

"Don't exaggerate" the shorter brunette says and as they hug Santana can feel how tense and uncomfortable the woman becomes in her arms, so she steps back as soon as she can and invites her inside her office instead.

"I'd love to catch up, Rae but truth is that without your wife around I'm having the worst week of my life. Where is she? Is she alright?"

She offers Rachel a glass of red wine and she receives a thankful smile as they both sit on the couches arranged on a side of her office. She observes Rachel drinking the wine and lick her lips after, savoring the bitter taste and Santana smiles to herself internally, she's bought that wine just in case Rachel decided to drop a visit and for years she's had to drink those bottles by herself.

"I was hoping to find her here" the singer speaks and the lawyer frowns a little. Somehow she feels as if she's lived through this moment before, as if she'd seen Rachel sited in a couch holding a glass in her hands and eyes trained on the ground as if she were afraid of the world. She's had a Déjà vu in the past but this one feels different.

"You mean you haven't seen her for the last two days either?" she worriedly questions.

"I guess I just wanted to check if…"

Rachel's eyes find the door and Santana is quick to put two and two together. Elizabeth. Rachel came to see if Elizabeth is working or not. Ever since the girl showed up in the office Santana was hell bent on not hiring her but Quinn had thought that she needed help and claimed that she was happily married and that she wouldn't do anything stupid to jeopardize her life with Rachel and their children.

At first Santana had believed her and after a few days she'd remembered how nice Liz actually is and how refreshing it is to talk to an old friend, but after a couple of more days she had realized that something was in fact going on, only Quinn was always so careful and Elizabeth knew her way around just like she's always done when it came to Quinn.

But Rachel knows, how could she not? If there is one person that truly knows Quinn Fabray, that person had to be her wife.

"I had a call" she decides that she doesn't want to get into _that _conversation with Rachel because of a number of reasons, the biggest one being that it isn't her business and bringing it up would only make it look as if she were trying to wake up old –and unforgotten- feelings. Besides, she's not even one hundred percent sure of what is going on between Liz and Quinn. "Brittany's mom called me. Did you know?"

"Yes" it still amazes her how honest Rachel is and for a brief moment she wonders if she knows the little girl, if they kept their friendship with Brittany after everything that happened.

"Do you know her?" she asks a little too eagerly for her own taste but the question is out there and Rachel doesn't judge her.

"No, but Quinn does" this time Rachel doesn't look at her when she speaks and Santana knows that there is more, only she's not sure if she wants to _really _dig into the past like that. Brittany is a chapter of her life that she won't like to ever read again.

"Well, Mrs. Pierce said that Quinn is in the Hospital with them, that she's been a great support and not to worry"

"They've always been good friends"

"That makes sense" and in a way she's happy that Brittany hasn't been completely alienated from their world after what happened. "Will you be heading to the Hospital then?"

"No, I'm not but Quinn will be home soon and I apologize for all the extra work you're stuck with because of her absence"

"Oh, no worries" Santana dismissively waves. "That's what I'm here for" she smiles.

"Quinn, she's a good person" Rachel suddenly says before taking a deep and heartbreaking breath. "She really is."

It clicks. The image, the voice, the slight trembling of her hands, the uncalled _good _reference. Santana has definitely seen this picture before and her breath hitches in her throat as her mind goes back and forth between this image of Rachel and the image of Judy Fabray back when she was still married to Russell.

The more images pop into her mind, the angrier she grows for not seeing any of this before, and after a beat she abruptly stops.

Quinn can't be that stupid, Santana knows that Quinn would never do this to her own wife, she'd never do what Russell did and she chuckles to herself because how stupid is _she_ for even consider this theory?

"What is so funny?"

"Oh, nothing. I'm sorry. It's just good to see you, y'know?" Santana apologizes and her heart does that weird thing inside of her chest when Rachel smiles and tucks her hair behind an ear.

"It's good to see you, too"

"Quinn mentioned that you're going back to Broadway. Are you practicing your lines already?"

"Yes, rehearsals have been going for a month now. We're mostly ready and just polishing details" the change in Rachel's demeanor as she talks about her job makes Santana smile in delight because this is the girl that she remembers from high school and that is the smile that she fell in love with so many years ago.

"I expect front seat tickets for your debut night, lady"

"And you'll have them, I promise."

There is eye contact for a few seconds and as Rachel's cheeks taint a shade darker Santana confirms that her feelings for the singer haven't changed. But as many times in the past, she refuses to let sadness consume her and immediately focuses on something different, a topic that is safe.

"I have something to tell you" she announces, suddenly deciding that she wants Rachel to know about her plans completely. "I've been thinking about splitting up from this firm for a while now and…"

Rachel's shock stops her midsentence and her confusion shows clearly because this isn't new, she's talked to Quinn about opening her own firm, even offered to share a partnership with the blond but it seems like her partner hasn't commented this to her wife at all.

"You're leaving the firm?" Rachel asks for confirmation, perhaps she heard wrong.

"Yeah" Santana nods slowly. "I thought Quinn would have mentioned this to you. I've been working on it for a while now"

"Why would you want to split up?"

"Because there are at least ten of us here, Rae and that was great eight years ago but now I feel like I can do so much more, y'know? I want to do more and we all have different point of views in the way we want to make this place grow. It just isn't working for me anymore and I'm not getting any younger."

Santana sees the betrayal running in waves in Rachel's eyes but she also sees understanding, so she allows the shorter brunette a moment to take it all in and silently wonders why would Quinn keep this from her wife?

For Santana, Quinn and Rachel's wedding has always been a constant pain and she'd admitted that to herself a long time ago but she has also admitted that she couldn't let it ruin her life.

Her relationship with Quinn runs too deep to be easily dismissed. Since they were little kids they've been practically attached by the hip. They attended the same therapy sessions together and alone but always with the same doctors, always for the same reason and always with the same doubts. This physical condition that they share has created an invisible bond between them before they could even grasped the seriousness of the situation they were living in.

They were family, it was as simple as that.

But then Rachel came along and although Santana had noticed the girl way before Quinn had she hasn't been able to open up when the path was still clear. Now she understands why she stayed silent for so long, why she decided to step back and let Quinn be happy for once but it doesn't minimize the pain that doesn't go away.

"I think you'll do great" Rachel finally speaks and Santana blinks slowly before looking at her. If she had done things differently, the woman sitting in front of her could be her wife and not Quinn's.

But even as she thinks it –and God! How she wants it- she feels extremely guilty for it, because after everything that life threw at Quinn when she was younger she deserves this, she deserves to be happy, she deserves to have the woman she loves by her side, she deserves Rachel.

"Thank you" she sincerely says and as Rachel stands up announcing that she's running late for rehearsals, Santana runs through the names of countless girls in her head that can help her fill this void inside –even momentarily- that comes every time she sees this woman.

Once she's back alone in her office she lays on the large couch, realizing for the first time how emotionally exhausting it is to see Rachel and have her so close but so far away at the same time and she cries, for the first time in months she cries.

…

I meant four more chapters. *runs to hide*


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